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Newest Member: 4ever2gether (45763)

User Topic: For those who have chosen to stay
WhatsRight
♀ 35417
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to know how you do it?

I have chosen to stay. For better or worse; covenant before God; marriage is forever; whatever the reason.

But I am sad and lonely. I doubt my marriage will ever be better - and right now it is tolerable...just not happy.

If you have decided to stay, how do you find your happiness again? Do you fake it with the husband? Do you just live together, but are actually separate?

I feel no connection with my husband. This morning I told him that I wanted us to heal. He is mad at me for bringing anything up.

For me - and I speak strictly for myself - this is not a 'leavable offense'.

But how do I move on in my life? I volunteer teach - I help friends with stuff - I volunteer with kids sports and stuff.

But I look in the mirror and it simply is not me.

I want to do my best by my husband and kids. I included my husband in that statement because I don't believe you can / should discount someone for something they did. 2 wrongs don't make a right.

But not recognizing my pain and wanting to aliviate it - I simply can't wrap my head around that.

So I am left with just me. I'm not all that great any more. No zest for living. Overreact about most things. Hurt easily. Feel like I have no options. I don't even like being with me - so I can't imagine how my family must feel.

Anyway - for those of you who don't see the fabulous, reconnecting relationship in your future, but yet you have still decided to stay...

How do you do it? What gets you through the day?

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 12:03 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
Ellephantastic
♀ 39833
Member # 39833
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Simply put?

I love him too much to leave.

I think of my life without him and I can't bare it


BS(me)
WBF = PA
Ow = 19(at the time)
WBF A = 08/10/2012-17/10/2012
D-Day = 24/01/2013

"It was easier for him to hurt me than it was for him to turn her down"


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Scotland
roses303
♀ 40161
Member # 40161
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

:( I know that place and I am sorry you are there. It gets better but takes time and work.

For the first month or so, I made it through the day by being on autopilot. Things needed to get done so I did them. Now it is getting easier. I can see some normalcy returning.

I am also trying to take care of myself more. I'm going for long walks, exercising, trying to eat better. Focusing on what I need to feel less stress. But I still spend a lot of time thinking. Will this ever be better, will this ever be different. Am I just going through the motions or will I feel happy again someday.

I am lucky to have a WH who seems genuinely remorseful and is working hard to be someone he hasn't been for a long time so that is extremely helpful. We found an amazing MC who is helping us open up our communication and addressing some FOO issues that have plagued both of us.

One thing that has helped is that WH and I are trying to do more things together. We went away for a weekend, we go on walks, we work in the yard together. Things that give us time to talk and communicate and most importantly, have fun. Sometimes it feels wrong to have fun after the pain and betrayal and sorrow but the only way we will be able to repair what is broken is to find what we loved about each other again.


Me: BW - 46
Him: WH - 49
MOW: my BFF from college and good friend for 25 yrs
Married 14 years, 2 Tweens
DD: 5/20/13 2 year long EA/PAs (one 7 yrs ago and one this past year)
Status: day by day, in MC, working on R

Posts: 141 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: roses303
Smokehouse
♂ 40203
Member # 40203
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi WhatsRight. My DDay was 07/13/13, second DDay, 08/15/13, when I discovered she had ran out on DDay #1 and bought a pay as you go phone.

I've read several others write about DDay 2, saying its easier. None of this is easy. My WW seems remorseful at times. Other times she acts like yourWH.

Not sure how long ago your DDay was, but, my WW does not get it either. I Had a terrible night at work, my WW wife was very rude and angry on the phone yesterday before work. It made me shake, scared, nd then the thoughts of the EA, that's all she will admit too, lots of lies, started running through my head. Couldn't make them stop. All night. I called her on the way home and she was indifferent about my emotions as I told them to her. I haven't seen real remorse. You are not seeing it either.

After DDay 1, because the remorse was so weak, I felt something else was still going on. Searched her emails, her iPad and phone are synced and she erased it off her iPad and not her phone, and I found a receipt from cricket for the second phone.

Maybe your WS just doesn't get it yet, maybe in the fog still, maybe resentful he had to leave the affair, maybe depressed over the affair ending. Just the thoughts that run through my mind. I believe one or more apply to my WW. Maybe guilt?

I too, was getting the angry responses from my WW when I would tell her how I feel. I was afraid to bring it up. Last night at work, I decided not anymore. I wasn't mean, just firm, I was truthful, I was genuine, and let her know the only way I can make it out of this pain she caused is with her help. I can't do it at all by myself. No way!

We are shells of our former selves. I barely function.

I told my WW nobody that is remorseful acts the way she acts. I want her to be sorry she almost lost me. I know why she did it, or the root causes that led her to a spot in our marriage that allowed her to justify the A. Still all her fault, and I let her know that, in a genuine, firm, but caring way. Maybe you need to speak with your WS in a firmer tone, angrier, or however it needs to be delivered.

He needs to understand, just like my WW needs to get it. Then we can heal. Then we can start to repair the marriage. I am going to take a me first attitude and stance. My WW needs to be the one that tends to me as best as she can at least. If it gets better, but not perfect, maybe an A for effort.

BS-49
WW-33
SD-10
DDay#1-07/13/13
DDay#2-08/15/13

[This message edited by Smokehouse at 2:44 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 166 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Ohio
WhatsRight
♀ 35417
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Smokehouse...

Thanks for your kind words. My DDay was actually 7 years ago. Yeah.

I actually have times where I can go for weeks without feeling the fulll pain of it all. But, because my WH read Joseph's letter and has 'started' How to help your parnter heal from your affair" - and still no change.

Angry is what I have always been. I know we handled it wrong when it happened. I was hysterical, called him horrible names, screamed, etc. He lied and got defensive.

Not that so much time has passed, I feel there is not much chance we will ever seriously get help.

I want to tell you that I hope your wife will get out of the fog soon.

Best wishes to you.


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
crazyblindsided
♀ 35215
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is a day in day out process. Each day brings with it different emotions for me. I try to embrace whatever emotion it is, feel it and then it usually passes. It does feel like I have an eternal sadness. I feel like my new shiny toy is dented and I can't make it new again so I have to be okay with it this way.

I hope my M gets better, if it doesn't I do plan on getting D. I tolerated my M and my WH pre-A I certainly am not going to just tolerate him now. If he isn't making me feel special and important it usually gets addressed whether he likes it or not.

Since my WH is conflict avoidant and also doesn't like me to bring up the A. I bring it up in other ways, text, conversations, emails. Sometimes he responds and others not, but at least I am pointing out the obvious and if there is another screw up I hopefully will not have to explain my reasons for D.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
ladies_first
♀ 24643
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((WhatsRight)))

I don't even like being with me - so I can't imagine how my family must feel.

Start there.

Laugh more, and hang out with real live people who make you smile.

Read Erma Bombeck, read authors who make you giggle.

Find your sense of humor. Embrace joy. Start a gratitude journal.

Find a personal motto -- then do ONE THING, each and every day! -- and live that motto.

This is much different than rugsweeping.

WhatsRight, have you considered IC? I hate to witness you spinning your wheels, going in circled, talking about the same thing over and over, but never reaching peace.

[This message edited by ladies_first at 3:26 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
lieshurt
♀ 14003
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe your WS just doesn't get it yet

He doesn't get it because he doesn't have to. As long as he knows WR is going to stay, no matter what he does, he doesn't have to make any changes at all.

WR, I think you have to give up hope. You are staying. He isn't changing. It's been 7 years. You have to give up hope that he will, so that you can reach a place of indifference. You have chosen this life, so you have to accept the consequences of that choice. Once you do, you may be able to achieve some happiness in your life.


A relationship without trust is like a car without gas. You can stay in it all you want, but it won't go anywhere.

Posts: 13841 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
2cooldaughters
♂ 19408
Member # 19408
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Same here WhatsRight. We stayed together, but we are really separate. Truth is, I let her stay with us, but we are really separate. We live together and are raising our two kids (16 and 13) together as a family. I don't know what happens next. I'm 45 and too old to be appealing on the dating scene and I don't have a girlfriend, so I'm probably looking at being single in my old age, or living with this woman.

How we do it is day-to-day. I have half the friends I once had. We no longer associate with the crowd we were friends with since that's the crowd that supported the affair. I get satisfaction as a good father and role model for my girls, and I'm a good leader in my company and I serve the best interest of my clients jealously. I wish I had a love-life and someone to dote on and be sweet to, but I don't. My WW is only concerned with her own feelings and refuses any attempt to talk about our relationship in any meaningful way. She is not happy either, but I believe she is content on the days that she can ignore our past and her behavior in the aftermath of her actions. I'm tired of being the one to bring it up, so I don't.

It's not a popular road, taking a wayward back. It's harder than the actual shock and awe of the DDays, in fact. But I only need look at my daughters to know that I am in the right place. I don't trust their mother to raise them properly, so I have to be with them if she's going to be with them.


Posts: 68 | Registered: May 2008
64fleet
♂ 18710
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel about the same as 2cooldaughters, we are together but apart. I don't think of us as a "team" or on the same page or anything.
She's here, I'm here, and we got two kids to feed.

I don't trust mine to raise the kids alone, either.

[This message edited by 64fleet at 3:55 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5405 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
WhatsRight
♀ 35417
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand about the kids.

My kids all have birth mother issues, and WH is so bitter, ashamed, angry, depressed, etc. about the whole thing, that he is almost never happy, and grumpy all the time.

I can't leave them with him.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 4:41 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
doesitgetbetter
♀ 18429
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I heard a saying once (ok, many times). It goes "never stay in a relationship where the cost is yourself". Just a thought. We BS's are not martyr's, nor should we have to live like one. We do not need to give up our life and ourselves just to stay with some jerk that cheated on us.

I don't know if I should answer your question though because it seemed posed to people who are choosing to stay miserable just to stay married and how they got through life being miserable and married. I chose to stay, and NOT to be miserable and lose myself, and my reality has been very different than yours seems. So I can't answer your question. Just wanted to throw out that quote.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
2married2quit
♂ 36555
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know the feeling. That's where I find myself right now 1yr out. There are days where she does make me happy again. There are other days (most of them) that I wonder why I stayed? Nothing she's doing now, just the thought of the A and feeling like an idiot for not kicking her out.

I guess I'm depressed.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1417 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
ladies_first
♀ 24643
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WhatsRight,

Are you choosing to stay?

or

Are to choosing to stay miserable?


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Skye
325
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was you for close to 12 years and then I realized I didn't want to live unhappy. I stayed but I have a very full, good life without him. I decided to be happy with just me.

I think, quite frankly, I've seen too many unhappy people wallowing in their own pity and I didn't want to be that way. I have to say that I didn't live that way in public but felt that way inside. I was afraid the insides would come out one day and I don't want to be that type of person.

You aren't you anymore. Infidelity does that. But the new you can be terrific. I also came to realize that maybe the life I had and loved would have changed for a different reason than infidelity. I do not want to be a person who can't adjust to change.

Believe me when I tell you I know how hard it is, but it can happen if you work on it.


Posts: 5632 | Registered: Jul 2002
WhatsRight
♀ 35417
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ladies_first...

I guess I have to honestly say that I am chosing to stay AND to stay miserable.

I don't know how to change any of it.

I do feel like I am the leaf in my life - not the wind.

I feel like I am totally stuck.

But the bottom line is that my kids happiness and my husband's well being is very important to me. AND doing the right thing is very important to me.

Right now, the only thing I have going for ME is that I am doing what I feel is right. If I leave, I will not be doing what is right (in my strong belief).

So, I wanted to reach out and ask how others who chose to stay without true reconcilliation - how they became happy and useful and back to who they were. (as much as possible).

I understand that "no one should have that much control over another's happiness". But to me, marriage involves some of that - codependence is not always a bad word in a marriage. My dreams and goals have always been about family - a marriage and kids. Now that I have failed at those things, I need to perservere, but I want to help myself, too.

I can't quit. If I do quit, no matter what becomes of me, if I have friends or money or career, if I am able to contribute to something, it will mean little to me.

I guess it was how I was raised. I do not want to put myself first. I just don't. (Actually, by not putting myself first, I can feel good about myself - so I guess that IS putting myself first.)

I also don't want to be a martyr. I have just felt that if I do what I think I am supposed to do - there is a chance things will change, but if not, at least I have been true to my beliefs.

I so appreciate all the words of wisdom. I'm sorry if I have sounded like a martyr.

I was just wondering what the others who have stayed have done to 'rise above' the hurt of unfulfillment.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 8:52 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)]


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
ladies_first
♀ 24643
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never suggested that you leave.

I never suggested that you quit.

I never suggested that you break your marriage covenant.

I did, however, strongly encourage you to see an IC about your depression.

(((WhatsRight)))


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Painfuljourney
♀ 40208
Member # 40208
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I knew on DD that I wanted to stay. Even when I wasn't sure if he did. I still love him. Once I found out the details I still wanted to stay. I had to grieve a lot and I'm still grieving, as is he. I think since his occurred 4 years prior and burned out so there isn't OW in the picture still helps.

What is helping is his total transparency, his total remorse, his total commitment and he's just a different person since all the truth is out. He is no longer the angry asshole I've lived with the past 5 years.

Also faith in God. Reading tons of books and SI is helping. We have reconnected sexually, emotionally, reconnected in every way. I don't necessarily forgive fully yet or even forget. But overall I'm having more good days than bad. I get my sad and lonely moments and cry. I talk to him, make him cry, we cry together and hold each other. It's devastating. But there is more good than bad and I love him. I know he loves me again. He forgot how to love, he had self hatred as well. He's back. I hope forever. But only God knows what will happen. I just live a day at a time.

But you should know divorce and separation are an option for you. Even though you are Christian. Adultery is one legitimate reason for divorce, as is alcoholism and abuse. So if you can't get over the hump or no longer feel you can love him. I think you should explore your options.


BS (me) - 44
WH - 46
DD - July 1, 2013
2 daughters, 14 and 10

Posts: 102 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest
doesitgetbetter
♀ 18429
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't help but think of families like the Powell's when someone talks about just taking whatever their spouse will throw at them "for the sake of keeping my family together". You all know the Powell's, Josh Powell killed his wife, then 2 years later he killed his 2 young children and himself in a fiery blaze after chopping the kids with an ax. His father, Steven, is suspected as an accomplice, as well as a brother of his is suspected as well. The brother also committed suicide a few months after Josh killed his children.

Why do I bring this story up? They had a mother who turned a blind eye to what was going on. She knew her husband, Steven, was cheating on her. She knew her husband watched porn and the kids would walk in on him watching it and he wouldn't turn it off. She voiced her dissatisfaction about it, but stayed because "they were better off with both parents". Steven took every chance he had to tell the boys that women were meat only, and they were there to do the bidding of men only. He spewed his evil thoughts and feelings everytime the mother was in the other room.

The mother finally figured the kids were old enough to deal with a divorce, so she left when the kids were all in their late teens to early 20's. Now, the father is in jail for taking pictures of underage girls in his neighborhood, 2 sons are dead by suicide and both suspected of killing her DIL, and 1 son killed both of her grandchildren as well. I bet she wished she had decided not to show those kids that women should live a miserable life and they deserved whatever they got at the expense of whatever men wanted from them.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
1ost0ne
♂ 40202
Member # 40202
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can understand the desire to cling to your spouse, even after what they did to you. It's very difficult to abandon what you have spent years together building. The reality is that our image of what we had is fictitious.

I've been in a deep depression and really down. I feel that each day I'm getting better and healthier. If my WW is not going to join me and jump in with both feet to fix this marriage, I will eventually complete the seven stages of grief and move on. She's starting to get the picture and dedicating herself to this marriage.

I've read a lot on the 180 and a lot of people think that it's about trying to get your spouse to notice you. The reality is that it is about you and removing the dependency you have been living in.

DIGB - I don't think my WS is going to turn into a killer if I stick around in a codependent marriage.

[This message edited by 1ost0ne at 11:43 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)]


“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
― Maya Angelou

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