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Is it unfair of me to ask wh to go nc with family?

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DragnHeart posted 8/20/2013 12:16 PM

Wh still has his family on fb. They have posted pictures and made statements that have totally pissed me off. I can see that it bothers wh but he won't block them...

I have had a very difficult time not posting to them. Wh doesn't want me too and I understand. He still works at the same place as his mother and it's difficult enough now.

He says he wants them out of his life. He says our kids will never know them. (dd doesn't ask about them anymore). At the same time he won't end this connection with them.

Despite what he thinks I do understand what he's going through. My family and I had a huge falling out mostly due to my father. It took us years to be able to have a relationship again and I really had to put my foot down with him. (he drinks and gets nasty and I had had enough. He made a statement about me being to sensitive and I told him he's a nasty old drunk. I think that was a slap in the face for him and he hasn't been nasty since).

I know that's different from being completely abandoned by parents. At the same time My father made an effort to fix things. Wh family has not.

Wh told me his mother started telling him info about his brother. He said he ignored her. I asked him why he didn't say something like:

"none of you could be bothered to acknowledge my children's birthdays. What makes you think I give a flying f**k what goes on in your life?"

Yes I need to deal with my own anger issues towards them but it's difficult to have mental nc with them when wh still has this connection, it obviously upsets him and continues to poison our lives.

Advice?

Dreamboat posted 8/20/2013 13:31 PM

I will give you and WH the same advise that we give to divorcing BS when their WS tries to bait them: crickets and ignore. I think your WH is doing the right thing just ignoring her when she tells him things. He cannot avoid her completely because he works at the same place. And he certainly should not say anything snarky to her because that just ups the drama.

HTH

DragnHeart posted 8/20/2013 14:35 PM

Life at work is stressed enough without more crap from her. I agree. That's why I have bitten my tongue for the last five months.

It's the fb that bothers me. Why torture himself seeing what they post?

Amazonia posted 8/20/2013 14:39 PM

Blocking someone, especially a family member-no matter how toxic, on facebook is a pretty drastic step. I bet it feels like a really drastic step to him. What if you suggested something more gradual, for example HIDING them from his newsfeed so that he won't see them, and placing them on a RESTRICTED list so that they can't see anything on his profile.

Maybe as he sees how much more peaceful his life is without seeing them on fb, he will be more ready to move forward with unfriending or blocking?

DragnHeart posted 8/20/2013 14:47 PM

Thanks. That's an awesome suggestion. I will offer that to him tonight and see what he says.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 8/20/2013 15:28 PM

WH and I have his family blocked. I'm also NC with them, but I didn't require him to go NC until he's ready. I was afraid that he would resent ME, if I forced the issue. You can block them on your FB and you won't see what they post. If you DO see something that upsets you, ***CRICKETS***. I KNOW it's hard, but they are expert manipulators and it's futile to engage.

DragnHeart posted 8/20/2013 15:39 PM

Part of me already feels wh resents me for the situation to begin with.

I have had them blocked for a very long time. Shortly after the first DDay. I posted something about ow#1 and mil assumed it was about SIL. I didn't use names just referred to "her" having failed at destroying things...

Anyways I didn't want to have to explain every thing I ever posted and I hated how mil jumped down my throat when he didn't even know who it was about. They all got blocked then.

StillGoing posted 8/20/2013 15:49 PM

lol, I do the hiding thing because blocking anybody in my insane circus family would cause more drama that I'd save myself. Also don't have to see the endless fields of THIS PERSON JUST SHAVED 4 SHEEP IN FARMVILLE AND THAT ONE MADE LOVE TO A ZOMBIE IN ZYNGAS APOCALYPSE VACATION ISLAND splattered all over the place when I go to log in and look for my gramma's phone #.

DragnHeart posted 8/20/2013 16:00 PM

I can't find the "hide" option on the mobile site. Guess its apart of the main site only?

I hate, I mean hate that they can see his posts. They commented on his pictures of the kids and LIED. I just wanted to post the damn truth so the entire family could see it!!!

Also, anything his mother posts is sent as a notification like he is following her somehow. It's weird. I don't know if he could do that or if he had to but it's annoying because I have access to his fb and email for other reasons so I see it too. Drives me crazy. And ya I figure they know it drives me crazy...

What pissed me off is that my BIL girlfriend tried to friend me. Ya NOT happening. Guess they wanted to see what I am posting. Not that I post much. I do share posts I see but I don't post much myself. she was promptly blocked as well.

Amazonia posted 8/20/2013 18:26 PM

If you go to their profiles, even on the mobile site there should be a button at the top that says "friends" with a check mark. Drop that down and there'll be an option for "show in newsfeed" that you an uncheck, and the restricted list so they can't comment on (or see) his stuff, both on the same menu.

his#1 posted 8/21/2013 13:02 PM

After dealing with YEARS of torture from my husbands family, I finally got to the point where I *DID* say to him, "Either THEY go or *I* do." He had been a classic conflict avoider his entire life, but even he saw that they are a toxic bunch.

I say block them. When they ask him why, just simply tell them, because I am just tired of the constant crap." Yes it will stir shit up for a little while, but when they see they don't get a rise, they move on. I'd be damned if I'd let them have ANY insight into my life. They don't deserve it, and they haven't earned it.

It is your husbands choice to make, but eventually he must put you and your kids in front of his family.

Tearsoflove posted 8/21/2013 23:36 PM

If you are on his facebook and a family member posts, up in the right corner of the post is a little X. If you click on the X, you can choose "I don't want to see this". It will then give you the option to hide all posts from that person or hide all posts from the page they keep sharing.

I do this with a brother and sister-in-law who have completely different religious and political views from ours. I don't see all the stuff they post and they aren't making me miss important posts with all their drivel anymore. I used to open my page and have it be completely covered with other posts they shared to the point that it would bury everyone else's posts several pages down.

I also have some friends who I don't want to bombard with my family pictures and posts because we're not that close. I went into settings and set my post and picture default to exclude them. Now they only see what I specifically go in and choose for them to see. Play around with the settings and you will get the hang of it.

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