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babbs posted 8/20/2013 12:24 PM

it's been 4 months since my BS found out I cheated on him twice once in the first year the other about 6 years later. He is justified in thinking it's all been a lie that I never loved him and that I am a serial cheater. The truth is I'm not I felt the guilt while I was cheating but was going through a lot that he doesn't fully believe is the reason I cheated. He says he's no longer in love with me Im heartbroken. I have not and will not speak to or contact AP again. This has all taught me a powerful lesson and I will never betray my spouse and children again. What would help you believe your spouse is truly trust worthy. What actions can I take to prove to him I love him? I hate what I've done to him he doubts himself and his self esteem is shattered. My sweet happy go lucky guy is devastated. I want to help him. Please tell me what would have helped you in the months Post DDAY. Were in IC Ive given him access to all my media. changed my number and email and have had NC with either of my OM.

Tred posted 8/20/2013 12:36 PM

what would have helped you in the months Post DDAY

The truth. Not having to find out everything on my own. No lies of omission. A complete timeline. I take it he discovered your affair, you didn't confess?

babbs posted 8/20/2013 12:42 PM

No i didn't confess and he did find out everything on his own. I was a mess after he found out I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to lose him. Looking back I should've done that differently but it's done and he was very angry about it. Still comes up.

Girlietoo posted 8/20/2013 12:53 PM

Yes the truth. But I also need(ed) a lot of reassurance that he loves me, never loved her. Doesn't think about her and he regrets everything. I need him to show true remorse and bring me close to him, reassuring me, when I doubt his love for me.

I still struggle a lot- when he kisses me I wonder if he kissed her the same way. It helps when he tells me that it was awkward and uncomfortable, not at all like when he kisses me, the woman he loves.

The most frustrating thing for me is when he gets defensive or says things like "do you want to get better"?. I know it is difficult for him to see me in so much pain that is his cross to carry and I don't much appreciate having any guilt being placed on me. This is all him.

Have you asked your BS what he needs. Perhaps if he can't verbalized it (that is difficult for me) he might be able to write to you. If he doesn't know, tell him you will be patient and be ready when he does.

Deeply Scared posted 8/20/2013 12:57 PM

babbs...

General is primarily for BS's, I will move your thread to the WS forum where BS's can still reply.

1ost0ne posted 8/20/2013 12:58 PM

Babbs, You have to make him whole. You need to be the wife he deserves.

Start with the Truth. Sit down and write out a sincere letter of apology confessing what you did to him.

Second find big ways to show you love him. Show up at his work with a great picnic, brag about him on Facebook, throw out all of your ugly clothes, make sure you are always attractive around him, finish your own honeydo list for him, etc.

It takes time. You are asking the right questions and reading your other posts, you seem to be on the right path. My WS seems to be still in denial.

Sad in AZ posted 8/20/2013 13:01 PM

First of all, you can stop this:

but was going through a lot that he doesn't fully believe is the reason I cheated.

'Going through a lot' is not a reason for cheating; you have to be absolutely honest with him. Tell him what you were really feeling at the time that you cheated. Dig deep inside yourself for the answers.

Unfortunately, there is no guarantee that you won't lose him. For some BS, the A is too much. However, for you to have any chance at R, you have to be upfront and honest-with yourself and your BS.

For the rest, you have to talk to him to find out what he needs. No one else can tell you. Try reading the Healing Library for insights into how the BS feels.

Good luck.

babbs posted 8/20/2013 13:03 PM

He tells me he doesn't know what he needs. That he is checked out and that he's going to protect himself. He tells me I can't blame him for not trusting me. That he will open up once he sees I'm trustworthy but this isn't productive as I have no idea what that looks like to him exactly.

babbs posted 8/20/2013 13:04 PM

oh oh sorry!!!!

Smedley posted 8/20/2013 13:23 PM

The things I wanted:
* Full Disclosure - I got disclosure a little at a time. When this happens....you believe nothing - EVER
* No contact at all
* Communicate to your spouse what he means to you, and what you don't want to lose
* Be patient - the timeline from here will be choppy. You need to understand that empathy is a trait that is required right now

Later posted 8/20/2013 13:29 PM

it's been 4 months since my BS found out I cheated on him

Still comes up.

Yeah, at 4 months out I would expect anything and everything to still come up. Unfortunately, for him it's probably constantly running in the background.

Have you read the thread, "what every wayward should know?" If not, I highly recommend that you do.

ETA the link: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250

That really should be stickied.

[This message edited by Later at 1:33 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

Lucky2HaveMe posted 8/20/2013 13:33 PM

Get thee to IC. It was a requirement for R for me. He needed to do a lot of work to dig down to his core to repair himself. As he worked on himself, he was able to give more of his authentic self to me and our M.

sailorgirl posted 8/20/2013 13:35 PM

What helped me was when WH stopped being defensive. He took full responsibility for the A every time in every way.

When I said "How could you?" instead of giving me a bunch of excuses, WH started saying, "It was a horrible thing to do. It was the worst and most painful thing I could have done to the person I love. I am so sorry."

When I asked, "Why?" instead of giving me a bunch of excuses, WH would say, "I don't know yet, but I am working so hard in IC to figure it out. I will never stop working to be a healthier, better person. You are going to get the best husband possible from now on."

He completely stopped defending himself, trying to get my sympathy, explaining etc.

JanaGreen posted 8/20/2013 13:37 PM

What would help you believe your spouse is truly trust worthy. What actions can I take to prove to him I love him?

What helped me the most was for him to answer my questions with a lack of defensiveness. I had been spying on him long enough to know that he was lying to me a lot, and I knew when he was lying, thanks to my PI skills. Defensiveness was a dead giveaway.

Also, my H didn't have an affair (story's complicated, in profile) but rather a period of really shitty behavior, including a drunken ONS and some bad boundaries with "just-friends." I didn't doubt that he loved me, but I DID doubt that he respected me. Hearing him tell me that he NEVER thought I was crazy (as he said many times), admitting that he was just trying to deflect my questioning, was huge.

Also, he bought a car last year without my consent. A brand-new red corvette (midlife crisis much?) After he extracted his head from his ass, he offered to sell the car, as it triggered me. I told him it was up to him, I wasn't going to tell him what to do. Eventually he traded in my old car and the crisis-mobile to buy me a brand-new shiny SUV. That was a very large gesture on his part - he got rid of the car that he really did love because it upset me, and bought something nice for me in the process. That kind of gesture goes a long way.

Deleting anyone who bothers him off your facebook, opening up your electronic devices (which you already did), letting him know if anyone tries to cross boundaries with you - etc. etc.

Also, it helps when he thanks me for staying with him, tells me he feels lucky to be with me, glad he has the chance to make it up to me, etc. That helps a lot.

ETA: Sailorgirl and I were sharing a brain there for a minute!

Good luck!

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 1:38 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

GabyBaby posted 8/20/2013 13:44 PM

What would have helped me:

1. Complete disclosure from the beginning. Keeping details only protect you, not your spouse. Finding out additional details later is like being stabbed repeatedly, but weeks apart. You will NEVER heal.

2. Complete transparency and open behavior from WS. He was good at giving lip service to "wanting our marriage", yet refused to give up his (various) email passwords, names of his APs, etc. He would tell me he was working late, but would then in fact, go hang out with friends.
If you tell your BH that you're going grocery shopping, you better be at the grocery store - and not for 5 minutes before heading off for an hour to hang with friends.

3. Stop cheating! It sounds stupid, but you've already cheated twice. How do you exepct him to believe that you're sorry when you cheated once in the beginning, saw the anguish he went through, then did it again? It is going to take a lot of time on your part to rebuild that trust that you completely destroyed.

He will get frustrated. He will get angry. That's his right.
Remember - you created this mess. You have to put on the big girl panties and do what it takes to clean it up.

I wish you and your BH all the best.


kickboxer posted 8/20/2013 13:48 PM

It would help me a lot if my WH would take the initiative...install a keylogger on his computer/phone, install software to protect boundaries online (one of our boundaries includes no porn)...on his own, without me having to ask for it. I feel like I had to request access to everything when he should have just written down the usernames/passwords and given them to me immediately.

I really don't know how long it will take to restore trust. My husband went out for milk last Friday, and I texted him with another item to pick up, but he didn't respond and didn't answer his phone. I was worked up into a tizzy, trying to find my shoes and ready to go hunt him down when he walked through the door, milk in hand. He hadn't felt the phone buzz in his pocket. How long does that go on? I really don't know, but it's a horrible, sinking feeling on this end in the meantime.

Repeated affirmations that you love him, you love the life he has worked hard to build for you, you do not desire anyone but him. Repeated words of gratitude that he hasn't given up on you. Lots of praise -- tell him how handsome he is...no man could ever look better in your eyes. Mention you like his hair or his glasses, and tell him how amazing he looks just sitting and watching TV.

I also need complete honesty. My WH has refused to give me the timeline I've asked for. He says it doesn't matter and he can't remember anyway. He doesn't feel the details are important, whereas I feel they're absolutely paramount before my heart can heal.

In the end, recovering from betrayal is not about your needs (the WS)...it's about his (the BS).

babbs posted 8/20/2013 13:55 PM

I should have clarified. He found out about both affairs on his own within weeks. We are in IC and I also see a psych that is helping me deal with depression.

I gave H all passwords cut out contact with a friend who knew about affair I dont have FB account and I don't go out with friends etc. The find my phone app is enabled on my iphone so he could see where I'm at anytime he wants. I no longer do overnights for work and I don't spend much time texting anyone so he doesn't have to wonder what Im texting. I'm trying to be as empathetic as possible but I am scared of what he will ultimately decide. I feel as if Im standing on the edge of a cliff and he's deciding weather to push me off or help me back to safety. I never get defensive... honestly I have taken full responsibility for the affair from day 1. I apologized to his parents and spend time with his family or whomever he wants to visit etc regardless of whether they know or not of my A.

strongerdaybyday posted 8/20/2013 14:14 PM

The truth is I'm not I felt the guilt while I was cheating but was going through a lot that he doesn't fully believe is the reason I cheated.

Your reason for cheating doesn't matter. He's rightfully hurt and pissed. You've destroyed his trust and betrayed him.

BUT...

That doesn't mean you can't reconcile. Please avoid becoming defensive, my WH said defensively (after me losing it about him cheating) "well, maybe if you didn't argue with me so much!" and later realized he was wrong to say that; but it was said and it hurt.

Rebuilding trust takes time. You have to be honest and completely transparent; if you're both truly committed to making it work, it will. He just needs time.

Good luck - I hope it works out for you.

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 2:18 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 8/20/2013 14:19 PM

That he will open up once he sees I'm trustworthy but this isn't productive as I have no idea what that looks like to him exactly.
For me, I needed to see complete transparency and the willingness to dig deep and find out why these things had happened in our M. It takes a LOT of time and consistency. He doesn't want to open up to you because he's afraid you'll hurt him again. The fact that he'll even consider it, in the future, is worthy of hope.

I'm trying to be as empathetic as possible but I am scared of what he will ultimately decide. I feel as if Im standing on the edge of a cliff and he's deciding weather to push me off or help me back to safety.
As gently as I can, I'd like to say that what you describe is exactly the position you put him in, except you DID push him off the cliff, blindfolded. Empathy would be recognizing this and understanding how it feels to be pushed like that.

Is he here at SI? If not, would you be comfortable referring him here?

aesir posted 8/20/2013 14:26 PM

He tells me I can't blame him for not trusting me. That he will open up once he sees I'm trustworthy but this isn't productive as I have no idea what that looks like to him exactly.
Unfortunately, there is no way to purposely demonstrate this. The secret is to actually be trustworthy over time, and open enough in whatever you are doing that he can see you are being trustworthy. It also has to be consistent for long enough that he can believe it is a pattern and not an act.

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