I constantly try (in my mind)to find things that bring forth the same feeling as infidelity. I don't know why - maybe to try to understand it.
So here is my analogy. True story.
My oldest was having a horrible time in his mid teens. He was ranting one night because we had found out that he broke a bunch of rules. He ran to get his keys to take off in his car. I KNEW he would have a wreck if he drove at that time. So, I got in the car, and would not get out.
He pulled on me for a while, but I wrapped my arms around the steering wheel. He got angry and threw open the door, which knocked my husband (wheelchair user) on the concrete. Then my son proceeded to lean over my husband who couldn't get up - and scream and curse at him.
I was afraid he would hurt one of us he was so mad. So I yell for a sibbling to call the police. So my kid then leaves.
I can't express what it was like to see him in that emotional / psychological state, saying the things he said, and doing what he was doing.
As I see my precious son running down the driveway I think I just lost it. I literally lost my mind. I feel down on the driveway - on my knees - and started praying out loud. He heard me and started making fun of me.
So, I am sobbing / screaming out loud, "Somebody please help me!" "Somebody please help me!" The kids that didn't leave just stood there. My husband is telling them that I need them to hold me - he can't get up from the concrete by himself.)
Noone comes. Noone comforts me. Noone helps me.
After a time, I got up and my life started again. I helped my husband get up, and made sure the kids were OK. I calmly explained to the cops about my sons issues, and asked for their help.
That is what infidelity feels like to me. When I was on the driveway, kneeling, praying, screaming, sobbing - and noone would help me.
It also feels the same as infidelity, because now, years later, I have picked myself up - I go about being a mother and wife as best as I can.
But its almost like both of those events wiped away part of me. Like deleting something unintentionally. Something good. And no matter how hard you try to 'get it back', it is never quite the same.
My husband knows this is how I feel - and yet, he still does not 'help' me.
I know I can't count on his help - I know I am a grown woman and need to help myself.
But what I want most in the world is for someone (him) to care enough to just want to help me.
Sorry for the rambling. Just how I'm feeling today.
[This message edited by WhatsRight at 12:30 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]