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Dealing with double betrayals

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2married2quit posted 8/20/2013 13:38 PM

When your spouse had an A with your friend. How do you deal with that. I became a victim of this and although I never gave it much thought since it was a huge catastrophe anyway, now that I look back I wonder how I actually survived this bomb?

OM knows me. We've been friends for years and my W with him and his W. Although she doesn't know his W that much, there is still a face with the name.

Did he close his eyes to the knowledge of me? Or did he enjoy it? Cause sometimes I look back and I can think of times when I think he envied me. I wasn't sure at the time why, but now I know. And he was such a nice guy too.

atsenaotie posted 8/20/2013 14:01 PM

I knew 2 of the 3 OM (I know of) and had met the third. I really believe that this points to the selfish nature of the A and the APs doing what THEY want to do. Nothing else factors in. It was not just you that they hid the A from, you were one of many friends, co-workers, family members kept in the dark. They did not dwell on what these people they were hiding from would think. After all, no one else would understand.

When FWW and her OM did speak of me it was in an abstract or third party tone. I did not appreciate my W, I did not careif she had an A so long as I did not know, I was selfish; but there was very little talk about me.

Compartmentalization was another factor with FWW.She would meet with OM and his W for lunch. She became friends with OM BW and OM DD to facilitate spending time with OM. They ALL spoke of how undeserving I was of her. She was able to do this because she was not AP then, just friend. It was only when they were at his house alone, or texting and talking that she would be AP to OM. When she came home she was Mom or FWW. Again, compartmentalization.

I believe that we (BS) do not have A in part because we could not isolate and comparmentalize like this. I know that parts of my life bleed through to the other parts. I just cannot imagine meeting with an OW, having a longterm sexual A, and then coming home to my W and family. In fact, the one time I thought of pursuing it when flirted with, it was just this sort of thinking of consequences that kept my pants on.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 2:02 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

foundoutlater posted 8/20/2013 14:06 PM

I am living this. Two years out I am at a point where for the most part what he did or did not feel, what he got out of it and where I fit in his head are not relevant to me. I’m working on him being totally irrelevant to me. It’s tough because he was a long-time friend and intertwined in my youth and I will have some exposure to him for the rest of my life unless I want to leave my entire past behind which I refuse to do. He really was (maybe is IDK) fucked up. It takes time and work. I had to go through this shit over and over again repeating the truths learned on SI. The three big ones for me -
“she was fucked up and it had nothing to do with me or him”
“it is not a completion”
“he is not the man I am and not the man of her fucked up fantasy world”

Edit to add – my story is a little complicated (in my profile) and by DDay the “friend” had not been a part of my current life for 10+ years. That emotional distance has probably allowed me to deal with this faster IDK.

[This message edited by foundoutlater at 2:24 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

DWBH posted 8/20/2013 14:19 PM

Double Betrayals are the worst... I have lost the ability to trust anyone. Having gone through 8 months of lies from not only my W, but also my "bff", was hell. And how my W could have done the same to her "bff" is beyond me. I've had suspicious, jealous thoughts about virtually every male who has interacted with my W since the A. I suspect it will always be like that, no matter how strong her boundaries are.

They were totally in their fantasy world. No thoughts of leaving their spouses at all! They were just "compliments" for each other's marriages. Giving each other "advice" on M issues, talking about complaints they each had which had never been voiced to their spouses.

I've got no answers on how one deals with this, but just know you are not alone.

2married2quit posted 8/20/2013 18:50 PM

DWBH - yep, same here.

It's demonic! I mean one person lying but two at the same time and to the same people? It's just beyond me. Did OM think of me at all? You figure he forgot about his own BS, how much easier it was to forget about me.

I believe that we (BS) do not have A in part because we could not isolate and comparmentalize like this. I know that parts of my life bleed through to the other parts. I just cannot imagine meeting with an OW, having a longterm sexual A, and then coming home to my W and family. In fact, the one time I thought of pursuing it when flirted with, it was just this sort of thinking of consequences that kept my pants on.

Atsenaotie said it well (above). Maybe it does take a special kind that can compartmentalize so well. I sure can't. I was stupid in my 20's and when ever I got anywhere close to a possible EA, I remember confessing it and feeling like shit. Heck, I felt bad for having attractions. HUH!

BeautifulEmpty posted 8/20/2013 19:12 PM

The last debacle for me involved an OW who intentionally befriended me to have a relationship with my H. I don't make friends easily and it's a long story as to why but I hold people at arms length. When this woman started her long con with me, I told her straight up that I had trouble trusting people's friendships and why. She always pretended to have my back and worked really hard at proving she was friendship material for me. I even joked that if my H and I didn't get our shit worked out, I'd dump him and live with her >.<
Yeah...no. I had no idea that the big, huge, nasty joke was all on me.
I think double betrayals are insidious regardless of how they come about but they really tarnish concepts of friendship and trust in addition to trust within marriage etc.
I'm sorry you are going through this and I hope it helps a little to know you aren't alone.

roses303 posted 8/20/2013 21:05 PM

I'm dealing with the hell of a double betrayal as well. And I sympathize with everyone else that is going through this same thing because it really is hell.

The OW in my case was the person who introduced my husband and I, was MOH at our wedding (as I was at hers)and is godparent to one of our kids. Little did I know that 7 years ago she decided my WH was the one she really wanted and they had a one year affair (I didn't find out about it until DDay this year) In the interim 5 years between the end of that affair and through the year long affair they had again that ended on dday, she planned camping trips with us, went to parties with us, helped me through kid issues and marital issues, talked to me daily on FB etc. All the while sleeping with and trying to convince WH to leave me and run away with her. (what she planned to do with his 2 and her 3 kids I don't know)

I just can't see what the end game is in a double betrayal. I get how a spouse acts when having an affair. They have something serious to lose if they are caught. But why drag on a friendship if you are betraying that friendship. There isn't the same kind of tie you have in marriage and obviously you've already decided the affair was more important than the friendship so why play the game.

Beautifulmom posted 8/20/2013 21:43 PM

Same here. My fwh and exbff had an affair for 3 years. It started while we lived in ca...somehow we ended up living 2 streets over from them in georgia! I know for sure she was jealous of me. I think secretly she had to have really hated me to do something like that and be able to lie to my face that she loved me. She even gave my fwh the number to a divirce lawyer when she had no plans to leave her husband! Thats cold. All while i supported our family so he could be a stay at home and play house with her all day.
Why do i find myself hating her so much when my husband committed the same crime? Why do i think she is a horrible, miserable person but look at my husband with some affection? I know it is selective but i guess i need to do it to survive.
I wonder if it is worse knowing op extremely well? I have pictures of her holding my newborn in the hospital, so now when i seee other peoples newborn pics i get upset. My saran wrap reminds me of her...fireworks remind me of her...the beach reminds me of her. Ive known her longer than my fwh. I am having such a hard time knowing that my fwh took her away from me...and she let him.

bionicgal posted 8/21/2013 07:52 AM

Another member of the double-betrayal club here. My H's OW was part of a close couple/family friend to us. It is a little better as we weren't bff, but still very hurtful.

I wrote her a letter, which helped, and she wrote a wimpy apology, which helped, but not in the way she intended. (It just made me see her for who she was. . .weak, self-absorbed, etc.) I don't at this point feel much about the loss of her friendship, per se. I do miss her kids terribly, and her husband as well.

Like a couple of you, I know she was jealous of me, and to some degree my marriage. She told my husband tht she had had a crush on him going back years. . . That she envied our communication, and how affectionte we were with each other. Blew his ego up like a big, inflatable doll, and was on her way to trying to take my place. Luckily, the affair only lasted a couple months. He was pretty hooked even in that short amount of time, with loyalties shifting to her, etc. it was a big f-ing disaster.

We are doing ok in R. . .it is the best of times and the worst of times. I have seen my husband rise up and be the husband and man he is capable of. He is working hard, transparent, etc. I have become a better partner, too. But, the pain is so intense at times. I am choosing to just keep walking through, and having faith.

Peace be with everyone.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 7:56 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)]

DWBH posted 8/21/2013 08:20 AM

Why do i find myself hating her so much when my husband committed the same crime? Why do i think she is a horrible, miserable person but look at my husband with some affection? I know it is selective but i guess i need to do it to survive.

Survival is the only rational answer, right? I've posted about this phenomena in the ICR Double Betrayal thread before... my intense hatred and fear of AP.

Hell, I have paranoid thoughts about one of you being the OBS, posting here in this thread. I know the AP and OBS know about this forum, as I (stupidly) shared it with them very early on when I first discovered SI, before NC, and the shit hit the fan on 5/4/2012.

2married2quit posted 8/21/2013 08:47 AM

I think the biggest issue is that it was someone close to the family. In my case not only a friend but also a business friend. We have way too many friends in common. His name pops up in conversations all the time. Especially with her friends. Worst thing is not being able to tell everyone to PLEASE not mention that name anymore.

I wish I could move to another city or something. Not hear that name again!!!!!

lifeishard24 posted 8/21/2013 09:13 AM

Double betrayal for me was wife's emotional affair with her sister's husband. He is such a controlling individual that his wife allows him to do anything and she is fine with it. Did I mention they are also swingers, so sex with other people is sort of the norm? He waited until they moved out of our area for protection I suppose, but didn't wait long to "invite her down to visit 4 times a year, without me or the kids". He's full time job is working on his tan and riding his motorcycle, while his wife kills herself working 12-14 hour days. A true playboy. Since the discovery when "I" ended it, he has made the comment that when he sees me, I'm a dead man. Also calls my phone to hang up. Yes he is a man/child, and at age 55 still does the rabbit fingers behind someone's head whenever a picture is being taken. But to try to pretend this never happened, turned the rest of family against me. I'm ok with that. Make me out to be "sick". Especially when all evidence erased and deleated to allow for denial. Makes weddings an exciting time, to be sure. Since we have known each other for over 20 years, the double betrayal only makes me wonder what else I DON'T know. I would be just as upset if it were a stranger. The only problem is I can never truly get thim out of my wife's life. Family never goes away. And while she claims not to communicate with him, she shares his life every time she talkes with his wife, which is 2-3 hours/day. Yes, the affair brought "them" closer together. How special.

DWBH posted 8/21/2013 10:46 AM

I think the biggest issue is that it was someone close to the family. In my case not only a friend but also a business friend. We have way too many friends in common. His name pops up in conversations all the time. Especially with her friends. Worst thing is not being able to tell everyone to PLEASE not mention that name anymore.
I wish I could move to another city or something. Not hear that name again!!!!!

^^^^ ^^^^

I hear ya. The circle of friends we had/have with this couple is huge. Everyone I work with, and so many others outside of work, including family. We've really had to draw some hard lines, and lost some other friends we really didn't want to lose, but decided it was best to avoid contact as much as possible.

Doesn't help I still work with the AP, but that's a whole different story. At work, I've made it pretty clear to a large number of people to keep me out of any contact with him, under any and every circumstance. I've also told at least half of those people exactly WHY. I used to feel embarrassed and shame by this whole thing, but fuck that. Unfortunately, I suffer panic attacks just seeing him, or hearing his voice on a conf line, so I have to avoid contact with him.

DWBH posted 8/21/2013 10:52 AM

The only problem is I can never truly get thim out of my wife's life. Family never goes away. And while she claims not to communicate with him, she shares his life every time she talkes with his wife, which is 2-3 hours/day. Yes, the affair brought "them" closer together.

Oh man, wow... just my two cents, but I'd be severing ties completely there. Yes, it's her sister, but IMO she needs to determine priorities in terms of which relationship is more important to her.

lifeishard24 posted 8/21/2013 16:27 PM

My thoughts exactly. Howeever, marriage counselor animant that my insistance on limiting relationship with sister would end our marriage faster than the affair. A few sessions later commented that we should only surround ourselves with people supportive of our marriage. I pointed out the contradiction, but to no avail. My wife scheduled a vacation with sister to rebond and put this nonsense behind them. Where did they book vacation? 100 miles from him (1500 miles from me) Yes I found out by hacking email; told me a different place entirely. When I told her the kids and myself would not be home when she returned, she rescheduled. Only reinforces fact that this bullshit is not over yet. Very frustrating.

DWBH posted 8/22/2013 09:53 AM

Yes I found out by hacking email; told me a different place entirely. When I told her the kids and myself would not be home when she returned, she rescheduled. Only reinforces fact that this bullshit is not over yet. Very frustrating.

I would highly recommend you get over to the JFO forum, and share your story. You are definitely not in R at this point, as your W sounds totally unremorseful.

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