I have been able to piece together a very general timeline - enough to know we are through. If we were reconciling I would want to know everything, but we aren't. And I don't want to know a million more hurtful things that will bounce around in my mind, keep me up at night and making me angry and bitter.
There is no "right" or "wrong" approach to this, but sometimes I wonder if I know everything and go through the additional hurt is that somehow more healing? Am I protecting myself at the cost of personal growth?
I have been able to piece together a very general timeline - enough to know we are through.
"And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be."
- Sarah McMane
That's how I feel too. I need to embrace that.
I think some of it is relating it to having been so completely blindsided when he gave the ILYBNILWY speech that sometimes I worry this is more hiding from the truth. I hate feeling stupid because I trusted so completely. Somehow it's tied together...
[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 3:24 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]
This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet
I want to know everything. If I could watch a movie which captured my entire relationship with STBX and the things he did, I'd watch it. It used to severely torture me that I would never know. I'm more at peace with that now, but I'll never have full peace at not knowing. I have uncovered such staggering lies & deception, I'll never believe I've found out all there is to know.
I totally agree with Nature Girl. For me, not knowing the details has truly hindered my healing.
Update November 2013: It only took seven years but I finally turned a corner. :)
She was a nasty and cheap whore who was just looking for attention and some money. I know that in exchange for one of their sexual encounters she asked for a pizza.
I know that my Ex is such an emotionally immature idiot that despite her being pretty damn clear on how she viewed what they had going on, he thought that sex meant she wanted a serious relationship with him.
I know that he asked her to move in with him and she turned him down. He was particularly nasty to me during that time and I thought the anger was guilt but later found out it was him being rejected and having no one to stroke his little ego (or anything else! )
I know that SHE cut off contact with HIM and if she hadn't he would still be wearing that evil little smirk he wore when he came to get his stuff and he *thought* it was the beginning of his new life with a fresh victim.
I know that he is probably the biggest idiot I've ever encountered and putting the pieces that I have together makes ME feel an idiot because I spent 10 YEARS with someone with the emotional maturity of a preteen at best.
Every additional piece is another blow to my self-esteem because it shows just how poorly I picked. I don't want any more details. All I've put together and found out about so far has been more pathetic than I could have ever imagined.
So basically, I would take information that I can use to evaluate and gauge what relationships I 'keep' going forward and which ones I let go of. I've pretty much completely distanced myself from any person that was a 'joint' friend already, though......
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
I've always said I have enough evidence to convict him in civil court if not in criminal court.
I wish he just said "We need to have serious talk. I am not happy. Have not been happy and do not believe we can ever be happy. Therefore, I think we need to start planning for separate lives."
Or, "I am not happy are you? We need to fix it so we are both happy and go to counseling..."
Whatever. If you aren't happy, just go. I didn't really need to know about your Affair, how you still LOVE this person, how she arranged to meet me, my kids, how she was in my house, about her "open marraige" and "living in total honestly" and how she "opened him up emotionally." puke puke puke
Really, I know stuff I just simply wish I didn't know and I am not sure how it helps me- except helps me to hate him, which may be what he wanted so there would be NOOOO chance of any R.
I believe there is probably ALOT of stuff I still don't know, and it is only going it harder to work out custody with the kids. You need trust for co-parenting, and I do not trust or like this person. I don't know this person.
So, he should not have told me anything about the A if it was just a symptom and not the cause. Which he alleges..true or not, who knows??
There was one point after the D that he wanted to "come clean". I told him I wasn't interested.
The three main reasons that I didnt want his "confession" at that point:
1. The truth at that point was for HIM to assuage his guilt, not to help me.
2. It likely would not have been the full truth, since XWH had never demonstrated honesty in ANYTHING unless there was an immediate benefit to himself.
3. I believe it was an attempt at drawing me back in. By giving me SOME truth, I'd likely have more questions, which would lead to more discussion, rinse and repeat.
No thank you. I'd already hopped off that crazy train and had no desire to ride again.
[This message edited by GabyBaby at 5:27 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]
WH#2 (suicide prior to finalized divorce)
XWH #1 - legally married 18yrs. 12+ OW (that I know of).
I edit often for clarity/typos.
I'll decide later if I really want to know everything. When I first told him, he responded, "I don't think i can tell you everything...." Yeah, you'd better.
I don't know if I will ever open it...I just want the option.
Now that we are going through with D it doesn't matter anymore. What he did is his part of our marriage. I'm sad for him and us that he made those choices. My part was authentic and truthful. Every once in a while I think of a question. Very quickly I realize that the answer doesn't really matter now. The answer doesn't change my future anymore.
I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken
There came a point when it was too painful to love him, so I stopped.
[This message edited by babbs at 2:28 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)]