Pre-A, my H and I were having some marital problems (big surprise, eh?). When I logged on to his e-mail last month looking for info on the affair I thought he was having, I found that and much more.
In his sent folder was an e-mail to a co-worker/ mutual friend, from the end of May (before the A, but in the middle of our other problems). There is a line from that e-mail that I simply cannot shake from my head. It said something like, "I will never have what it is that I want. So shouldn't I just be there for [my wife]? At least one of us will be happy."
That's not an exact quote, but it's close. Anyway, what I read from that is "I'm going to allow myself to be miserable, so my wife will be happy." Things have been so much better between WH and I lately, but I got to thinking about this this morning. What if he is just putting on his happy face so he doesn't have to see me hurting anymore? What if he is plugging through this marriage because he thinks it's what I want, and he's just going to roll on by with a smile on his face and a lead weight in his heart?
I worry because I feel like in the past he did an awesome job at hiding the fact that something was wrong (he wasn't nearly as skilled at hiding his A).
I don't want us to R just because he thinks that's what I want. Even if he doesn't stray again, it'll still be false R. I can't tell you how many times I've questioned him ("I love you." - Are you sure?): Do you want to still be married to me? Would you tell me if you didn't? I don't want to keep pestering him, it's going to wear on him after a while. But I don't want him to pretend to want this just for my sake, or our daughters.
How do I know this isn't what's happening? Without asking... even if he was telling the truth, it's not in my nature to believe him these days.
WS's are welcome to chime in if they have any insight!me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day
married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m
"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."