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Newest Member: Hephaestus2 (60769)

User Topic: Something bothering me
♀ 40076
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pre-A, my H and I were having some marital problems (big surprise, eh?). When I logged on to his e-mail last month looking for info on the affair I thought he was having, I found that and much more.

In his sent folder was an e-mail to a co-worker/ mutual friend, from the end of May (before the A, but in the middle of our other problems). There is a line from that e-mail that I simply cannot shake from my head. It said something like, "I will never have what it is that I want. So shouldn't I just be there for [my wife]? At least one of us will be happy."

That's not an exact quote, but it's close. Anyway, what I read from that is "I'm going to allow myself to be miserable, so my wife will be happy." Things have been so much better between WH and I lately, but I got to thinking about this this morning. What if he is just putting on his happy face so he doesn't have to see me hurting anymore? What if he is plugging through this marriage because he thinks it's what I want, and he's just going to roll on by with a smile on his face and a lead weight in his heart?

I worry because I feel like in the past he did an awesome job at hiding the fact that something was wrong (he wasn't nearly as skilled at hiding his A).

I don't want us to R just because he thinks that's what I want. Even if he doesn't stray again, it'll still be false R. I can't tell you how many times I've questioned him ("I love you." - Are you sure?): Do you want to still be married to me? Would you tell me if you didn't? I don't want to keep pestering him, it's going to wear on him after a while. But I don't want him to pretend to want this just for my sake, or our daughters.

How do I know this isn't what's happening? Without asking... even if he was telling the truth, it's not in my nature to believe him these days.

WS's are welcome to chime in if they have any insight!

me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."

Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
♀ 35215
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel exactly the same way. How do you know? My Wh's MOW told me recently that my WH is staying with me because he is afraid I will commit suicide (and I have attempted suicide in the past).

Just the fact that my WH told her this info (info that happened after DDay #2) was enough to make me sick.

Half the time I wonder who is the bigger coward. Me for not leaving or him for not leaving.

BS/FWS (me):43 Madhatter
WS/BS:46 Serial Cheater
Together 20 years, Married 15
DD(13) DS(10)
DDay(s) Too many to count
False R 7/11/14 Same OW2
"Never seek validation from those who are unworthy."

Posts: 4022 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
♀ 19197
Member # 19197
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That line would likely haunt me too. But, from a distance, it sounds like something someone, who was dissatisfied with himself, would say while looking for another person to fill a void in his life--by stroking his ego and providing excitement to a regular old mundane life, during a marriage that had hit a rough patch. To me it sounds like someone in a pity cycle who was playing the attention-getting martyr. I know that sounds bitchy, but I honestly don't mean it that way. Even those of us who never had A's can be guilty of examining our life under a microscope, exaggerating its mendacity, and viewing ourselves as the poor guy who will just suck it up for the greater good. (Although I've got to admit, recovering from infidelity as the BS can often feel exactly like this!)

While I do think this type of thinking can be common, it's definitely something to become aware of and to strive to change. It seems to be a somewhat immature and potentially very damaging mindset to simply accept. I think it can set the stage for resentment and an unhealthy sense of entitlement. What does your H say about it now? Has he done the work to find out what led to his A and how he gave himself permission to go outside the marriage? A hard lesson for me has been trying to accept that my H said some really hurtful things right before and throughout his A, but that those things were only "true" in the moment; they weren't really indicative of his inner heart and soul. They made sense to him during the fantasy his A created, but they don't look very realistic or truthful now, in the real light of day. Just my two cents worth, krazy.

Me: BS
Him: FWH
Married Over 30 years w/ grown kids
Dday 1: 2007
Dday 2: Mid 2008 (same MOW, 14 month false R)
The affair was the aberration, not the marriage or the man.

Posts: 869 | Registered: Apr 2008
Topic Posts: 3

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