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Newest Member: flowerfarmer (61841)

User Topic: Crushed
♂ 40222
Member # 40222
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I'm just crushed. It all started a few months ago when I found pics and videos of my gf pleasuring herself, a long with random pictures of male parts!
We moved in after 7 months of dating. She pretty much was doing this with since the very beginning of our relationship (the pictures had dates and time taken) and the last picture taken was 4-5 days before she got caught. So, obviously it was an ongoing thing.
You might be asking yourself, what's so hard about the decision, to anyone with a brain it is a clear decision of leaving that person. But, according to her, she is pregnant with my child. She is due in 5 weeks, and I do not trust her with my child. My girlfriend would make videos, exchange pics and what not when I was 5-10ft away on my desk. She even used the time after my surgery, where I could barely move, to make videos. This happened for almost 1.5 years. During this time, she neglected me, preferred to masturbate with guys online than have sex with me. She would be so bold, making videos on my bed, bathroom, when im standing 5feet away! No respect whatsoever.

Why you might think I don't trust my gf with the baby? She was making videos and taking pictures when she had a full on pregnant belly, which to me shows a lack of respect for the baby. I don't want my child growing up in that environment.

She swears she never cheated physically, but I am getting a DNA test done regardless of what she says since she has been lying to me since the start.

We had a big fight last night, where I told her she would be an unfit mother because she puts pleasing other men online in front of her daughter and family life. She gambled that away.
I don't know what to do, I feel so betrayed. I feel like my best friend died before stabbing me in the back.

For those of you who think online camming or relationships isn't cheating, IT IS. Any sexual interaction between you and someone who is not your partner IS CHEATING. This type of cheating is just a stepping stone for the physical form.
She has given me full access to everything I've asked. But, she has lied since being caught.
DDay was June 18th, one day after our first birthing class (lovely, no?) and the real shock came about two weeks later when I found out she was saying I love you and hubby to a guy for 7 months. My WS said she stopped all contact with OM once she decided to keep the baby. I can somewhat confirm this with phone logs, emails and attitude change I saw. She also confessed to meeting someone online in person for lunch. I've read their logs and it was never sexual, but that doesn't mean she hasn't met other guys and had sex with them.
Since I was neglected in every way, I was getting detached from her, and now after the A, it feels like we were pulled in opposite directions, she seemed to be more "in love" but I am feeling the complete opposite.
I want things to work if its my baby.
First thing on my mind is the paternity test.
WW has been dealing with this in a very negative way (cutting herself) so she's trying to find a good therapist to deal with that.
I'm trying my hardest not to lash out and put more stress on the pregnancy, but it's getting very hard to do so.

Posts: 74 | Registered: Aug 2013
♂ 39700
Member # 39700
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a mess. Good decision to make sure the child is yours. But even if it isn't, that's an innocent child. Why would you stay with this woman? What are you doing to be sure her behavior is ending? I don't really understand your attitude that if its your kid, you want to make it work. What kind of parents would you be if that's your only reason?

Posts: 59 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 40246
Member # 40246
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First off I'm very sorry. I would read up on the 180, get strong yourself because your child will need you regardless. I would not be surprised if WW is a Sex Addict- her behavior certainly sounds like that to me... perhaps this is a good time to set some boundaries and then disengage for the health and safety of your child and WW. The problems will still be there a few weeks from now. In the meantime I would see a lawyer to start talking about custody arrangements, but keep the information to yourself, and prepare/or go through with separation. Although I do think someone who is a SA/ and someone who is lying is not the best role model for your child, I don't know that you need to jump to the conclusion that these photographs mean she doesn't respect the baby, but it certainly did show a lack of respect for you and your relationship, and I know that hurts.
She should also be STD tested as should you, especially when we are talking about the health of a child. I don't think a decision needs to be made immediately, but I would hesitate especially in a non-marriage situation where the child isn't born yet to ever "stay for the child". You can still be a great dad and have the peace of moving on. Best wishes to you.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ 40306
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I'm so sorry.

Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 M - 22 Years
D-day: 7/2013; D filed 7/2014; Divorced 7-27-16
...the WS affair starts off in a dreamland where everything is all Golly, Wow! and Meant To Be! and Soul Mates drop from the trees to frolic in the mist. -devotedman

Posts: 5601 | Registered: Aug 2013
♂ 40222
Member # 40222
Default  Posted: 3:09 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all the replies. Tonight we had a fight. One of the rules i had for her was to show me she wanted to work things out by not being allowed online at all, except for work.
Well, tonight she downloaded an app on her phone that gave you other websites that may interest you. I asked if any of those websites had a registration system and a way to send messages, which obviously some do, so I said you can't have the app. She got an attitude and returned a snarky comment back like "I guess I won't do anything" don't remember exactly. I flipped out, I told her how she didnt see the gradual fall back into the Internet. I said that she gave up the right to privacy and to be trusted online-especially since she was so bold with her affairs (5ft away etc). She ran on and was trying to be the victim which pissed me off even more.
I feel like she should be saying yes dear to everything, and comforting when I get frustrated, but instead she gives snarky comments, tries to be the victim and just piles on more stress.
She also said I was verbally abusive and that she doesn't know how long she could take it. I have never said anything that was not a fact. She considers repeating it as abusive because it makes her feel bad. But, is isn't that part of my healing? The venting.
Is it wrong of me to ask her to stop going online and the whole "yes dear" thing?

[This message edited by Landoes at 3:12 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)]

Posts: 74 | Registered: Aug 2013
♂ 17484
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 3:50 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Venting here is fine, just what the doctor ordered. We get it.

Read what Andthencraigslis said again, paying special attention to:
keep the information to yourself

It's easy to get caught up in managing someone else's behavior....becoming her "keeper", her "daddy", her "parole officer", but do you really want to be that?

Didn't think so.
That's why "disengage" is such valuable advice.
Another benefit, is you begin "engaging" with yourself.
In essence, the 180 is all about you & your healing. Do not run it as a manipulative tool - to get her to do something. It doesn't, and it will not work that way:


Stop engaging with her. Get into yourself & make a plan, Stan. The DNA test is a good start.
If you do this, and keep it to yourself, I predict she'll be all over you, wondering wtf just happened.
When that happens, you'll have more decisions to make, but I'd suggest "staying the course" & keeping your sail set on the journey into yourself.

Posts: 7269 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
♀ 34262
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She sounds like a sex addict who needs extensive counseling.

You need to check paternity, get a lawyer, get custody and then get out. Take all your evidence to the lawyer. You'll need it.

Me: BS 48
Her: FWS 51 (both family med MDs; together 21 years)
OW: who cares (PhD)
Dday: 10/11: 11/11 TT for months; NC 8/12
"band aids don't fix bullet holes" Taylor Swift
I NEVER mind medical ???

Posts: 3006 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Here
♂ 32380
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow tough spot. You know there's no law that states you have to stay with her just because you have a child together. Yes you might be on the hook for child support but you don't have to live with that person. IC or no IC, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

Sounds to me like she needs a dose of "This is what it's like to be a single mom" and show her the door...pregnant or not.

My exWW slept with a guy who was on his way home from overseas duty on emergency leave for the birth of his son...and she knew it. She was also sexting with him while I was in the hospital for 9 days undergoing two surgeries I found out. So I know that feeling. Whereas this is a bit different there is still a child being involved. I informed his wife after ten months and it was the most difficult conversation I ever had to have with someone. And of course her blame shifting was..."That was a shitty thing to do telling his wife"....really?...and what you did fucking her husband wasn't I guess?

She sounds very selfish to me. The only job you have now is to show her what reality will be. I hope she has a job to afford a place as a single mother. She doesn't appreciate you. That's very apparent.

BS(me) 50
WW 49
1 son 17 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley

Posts: 1636 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
♀ 38511
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she sounds shitty to me too. I feel for you Landoes. What a terrible thing to have to go through.

I do understand the need to protect your child and your feeling uneasy about this. Perhaps you could file for custody (if it is yours). Then she would only have limited visitation with the child until she recovers then you see where your relationship is then.

Good luck, try and stay strong.

Me, 47 BS
H, 65 WH
2 boys 23 and 18 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 523 | Registered: Feb 2013
♀ 36988
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I concur that she sounds like a sex addict. Since I am married to one, I totally understand your pain and confusion! It doesn't make sense and it never will to your unsick mind. There is a thread in I Can Relate for spouses of SAs, there aren't currently any men on it but I have several at my COSA group. It is soul crushing. Here is the link:

There is also a Betrayed Men's thread in I can relate: Here is that link:

Sorry you find yourself here but you will get a plethora of support. (((HUGS)))

DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
♀ 25001
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why you might think I don't trust my gf with the baby? She was making videos and taking pictures when she had a full on pregnant belly, which to me shows a lack of respect for the baby. I don't want my child growing up in that environment.

I agree with this. Also, a court might agree with this also. I'm not saying you have to stay or go, that decision is yours, but I will say that more fathers are getting custody these days. Also, just because the couple is still together doesn't mean that the home isn't broken.

To me she sounds incredibly selfish. If she's capable of camming when you're recovering from surgery when will she find the time to feed a new born every few hours or change the diapers?

For those of you who think online camming or relationships isn't cheating, IT IS. Any sexual interaction between you and someone who is not your partner IS CHEATING. This type of cheating is just a stepping stone for the physical form.

I agree with this also. There's a lot of people who feel that cheating is physical only. There's a much wider range when it comes to infidelity.

I'm trying my hardest not to lash out and put more stress on the pregnancy, but it's getting very hard to do so.

Don't beat yourself up over this. You're right, you don't to put more stress on the pregnancy, and we all know you're not trying to. This is a horrific emotional roller coaster you're on and it will take a while to even yourself out emotionally. When you feel yourself losing to your anger try to find something physical to do, running, biking, join a gym and take it out on a heavy bag. You'll feel better and you'll be doing something for yourself.

Hang in there. Keep posting, it helps.

Me - BS, 40 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS11, DD8
Getting my ducks in a row for divorce... finally (4+ D-Days too many - listed in profile.)

Posts: 6121 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
♂ 40222
Member # 40222
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for your thoughts.
I think you guys are absolutely right, she's a sex addict. My WGF has done this to all her boyfriends (three) but its the first time she has been caught.
The other reason why I wouldn't trust my little girl around my WGF is that she was engaging in this behavior with a man over TWICE her age. Her sexual compass is skewed, I wouldn't want my daughter around a 55-60 year old man who already likes girls much much younger. I'm not willing to take that risk.
I am going to start doing more exercise to release stress, I've been a bed bum for over a month now. Like another said, time to work on me!
My heart wants to work things out, but my ego is making me feel like a weak man for staying.
Thank you for the links, it's always helpful to talk to other men about this, but only if they've been betrayed. I'm honestly very thankful for this site and its members.

Posts: 74 | Registered: Aug 2013
♂ 27673
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 5:53 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My heart wants to work things out, but my ego is making me feel like a weak man for staying.

We understand this thought process very well. It comes with the deflated self-esteem.

But what you will discover, if you put in the effort on yourself, is that if you can honestly make the decision to either stay in the marriage, or walk away, then there is no *weak* decision. Because at that point you are choosing which path you wish to take.

If you stay in the marriage right now without the option of leaving, because you are scared, that is normal....but unhealthy. But if you get to the point that you could walk away, but want to try to fix your marriage---well then, that is an entirely different story.

[This message edited by jb3199 at 5:54 AM, August 23rd (Friday)]

2 boys-20 & 23(special needs)
Married 24yrs.(together 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Plenty
Accepting that I can may end this marriage 7/2/14
Heading for D

Posts: 2990 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
♂ 40222
Member # 40222
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the advice. I really appreciate stumbling on this site.

As of now, my WGF is starting therapy for her issues. She has always dealt with depression and even cuts herself, and did so after D-day. She has shown great remorse, lets me know everywhere she is at all times, and is very sympathetic and helpful when I trigger. But, the movies are just getting more intense.

I understand that I am only 3 months out of Dday, but I never thought the pain would get worse than it was. This is leading me to flirt with the idea of separation once the child is proven to be mine. I'm not sure whether this is my real feelings or if it's a reaction to the triggers.

Her mother has been great in all of this. Her mother is going to be here for the birth of the child and has been a great support for me. My WGF is due in a few weeks; so, you can imagine how anxious I have been regarding the paternity test.

My family doesn't know anything. My mother, obviously, noticed something wrong. I just made something up and we moved on. My mother was cheated on as well, but I feel like she would hate my WGF if we decided to R.

I have thought of something, but I don't know if it's a good idea. I am thinking of asking for legal custody of the baby, while we are in R. I mean, we would still live together, but I would have legal custody of the child. Dumb idea?

Posts: 74 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 14

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