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Newest Member: LoneRaven (61770)

User Topic: To R or Not
♀ 38816
Member # 38816
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have not posted on this board much as I read more than I post. I have posted mostly under the Divorce/Separation since that is where it looked like I was headed but now I am not sure since I received a text message today from WH.

My story is in my profile and nothing has really changed.

I have been fighting my WH for 9 months to save this marraige and I finally gave up about a month ago while he had given up since the start.

My WH texted me today "I have been thinking about it and you're right. I didn't ever tell you that I was sorry for everything that's happened over the past nine mo nths and for that I am sorry. I know you have been through a lot but if you you're still willing I will give our marraige an honest try. I can't make any guarantees but I will give it an hones try. If you've been through to much already and just want to move on I understand but I just thought I'd put it out there."

I texted him back and told him that I am not talking about this through text and I wanted him to tell me in person to see how sincere he is even though I am not 100% sure this is what I want because I don't think he will givve me tranparaency and passwords.

He has a retirement dinner tonight for a co-worker and OW will be there which triggers me already. I told him that we can talk tonight and he said that if I was up he would. He said he is not sure what time he is going to be home. Well if this is really what you wanted wouldn't you be home in time to talk?

A part of me still wants this marriage but I need to send boundaries and rules but I don't know what.

OW and my WH are both cops at the same department so they have to communicate.

WH - 36
BS - 34 Me
DD - 11
DD - 6
DS - 6

Posts: 14 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Maryland
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

because I don't think he will givve me tranparaency and passwords.

Without this it isn't even worth trying. Sorry. It's a bare minimum requirement. I'm not trying to be all doom and gloom...just don't get your hopes up.

I would talk with him and see what his thoughts are. You can save a list of requirements until the second talk, but warm him it will be coming. He can choose to meet them or not.

I will tell you than continued contact with the AP makes reconciling extra difficult. It causes the affair feelings to linger, it tortures the BS longer than necessary and is often an open door to continuation of the affair. I would think long and hard about if he cannot move departments, etc.

A bare minimum list would include:

transparency and accountability of his time, all the time.

NC with the AP

Entering IC for himself, and later, MC for the two of you

Reading whatever books you need to read

An open dialog about the affair

An open ended timeframe for your healing.

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 8014 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ 18429
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does the OW's BH know about the A? If not, that might help put a stop to the text messages right there. The BH has a right to know what is going on in his marriage too. And he can also put extra eyes on the WS's to "encourage" them both to behave.

Honestly though, I wouldn't hinge any real thoughts of R on one text message. I can guarantee you that your WH has no idea how hard it is going to be to R... I don't think any WS's know from the beginning how hard it will be. Healing takes 2-5 years, and I was on the longer end of that program, and it was hard. It would never have worked if my H wasn't fully on board and 100% committed from the beginning. So he has to really want to R, not just want to take a shot to say he did.

Tell the OM's BH, don't tell anyone you're going to do it (because they will convince the BH that you are crazy and jealous and he'll believe them) and then make your decision if you can start to work with WH or not on healing together.

DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - WS
Us - working on R - again
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
D-day 2 July 4, 2015, turns out he is a SAWH, status, working harder than ever before, trying to fix something we thought we already had. It's

Posts: 4467 | Registered: Feb 2008
OK now
♀ 14459
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To me this sounds unacceptable.
I can't make any guarantees but I will give it an honest try

Too wishy washy, not enough enthusiasm. Giving the old college try just so he can say he did make an attempt to save the relationship.

If he was remorseful and committed to reconciliation there would be an emotional commitment; a promise to repair the marriage. If he makes an insincere attempt to rebuild and it fails, you will get another dose of unwelcome pain and misery.

Choose carefully.

Posts: 2062 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
♀ 38391
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly, that text would not encourage me much. R is such hard work and it really doesn't sound like he intends to do it. More like he would come along for the ride if it wasn't too hard.

If you feel like you need to give this a try, keep your guard up.

D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1162 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Topic Posts: 5

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