Well, about 8-9 months ago, he tried to commit suicide. He was in the hospital for about 2 weeks (being evaluated and treated).
He told me at the end of July that he cheated on me with another soldier about 6 months after we were married.
Since then, he's been very depressed, despondent, NO emotion at all, laying in bed all day (when not working), etc.
On Thursday, he went to the hospital to be evaluated because he was starting to feel how he did 8 months ago. They admitted him (and he's currently still in there). They diagnosed him, currently, with severe depression.
I understand he has a mental illness and needs treatment. I've put aside how I feel about his infidelity to focus on what he needs right now.
But I'm pissed about it! It's probably insanely selfish and wrong of me, but I'm going to have to walk on eggshells around him, which means that I can't deal with his cheating. Which, then, makes me feel like a huge piece of shit for even being angry about it.
What the hell is wrong with me?
He is in the hospital..being evaluated by doctors? So you need to speak with these doctors and tell them what is going on in his life..tell them about the infidelity..and that it has just come out..and it MUST be dealt with..and ask them how to do that. Maybe they will suggest that the two of you only speak about it in MC. But it is unfair,and unhealthy for you to shove your feelings aside. Fuck that. It will make YOU suicidal to do so.
Of course you are angry. You have every right to be. What he did was a huge betrayal..you have been traumatized. And your feelings..and your healing is EVERY bit as important as his.
If you don't address the infidelity,it will happen again. Not talking about it doesn't make it go away..it will always be there.
WHY would you feel like a POS? Your husband cheated on you..more than once. It is normal to be angry. It takes 3-5 years to heal from this shit..he has put you on an emotional roller coaster...depressed or not..he needs to own his shit.
As for it being 5 years ago..that doesn't matter. You just found out about it..so it is new to you.
[This message edited by confused615 at 3:47 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Im so sorry. This is so incredibly unfair to you.
The thing that I wasn't, was sweeping his adultry under the rug. He started IC, we stared MC, he started ADs, and he saw a psycologiest for the ADs all within a couple of weeks. And he got no free pass over screwing me over. None at all. He had support and by god, I was using that support for all I was worth so that we would get through this shit-sandwich he served up, depressed or not.
So please. Go tell his doctors exactly what is happening. That way they can monitor him and you can get some support that you need as well. They need to know about this to come up with an effective therapy and health plan for him. And you need it to be out so that you can DEAL with it vice having it swept under that damned rug again. (((hugs)))
D-Day, June 10, 2012
As far as I'm concerned he gets no free passes because of poor choices. Better to ask, "What are you planning on doing about your depression and the fact of your infidelity?" and "Exactly what have you been doing in counseling for 8 months?", than to worry about him being "sick".
Your anger is justified and I think the normal reaction to betrayal. Having said that, you may have to wait a bit before you ask the questions. Until then find an IC for yourself.
I question what his source of depression is? From serving? From cheating? From it being a life long issue? Whatever it is he is being totally self absorbed right now. While depression is very real and can be difficult to deal with he has to on some level man up.
Are they giving him meds? Had he been evaluated for bipolar? Has he been assessed for abuse as a kid? If not these things need to be addressed.
This does not give him a free pass and you need to go in and talk with his psychiatrist, psychologist, and treatment team. Make them very aware of what you are dealing with and make sure you both have all the supports in place to help you be successful when he's discharged.
Lastly you need to let him know that you are mad as hell but you aren't going anywhere for a while. With whatever time frame you need . Then he needs to know what you need from him to stay when he is not quite so broken
It took quite a bit of IC for me to internalize that if he did kill himself it would be because of him and his choices, not because of me & my reactions. It's hard to get to that point. It's also sickening to realize that someone has played on your kind heart, using your sympathy to keep you in line.
I hope you don't let this turn into a major rug-sweeping scenario.
The barracks thing is a precaution to cover their butts. My WH had to do the same with a guy who came home from a deployment with the knowledge his wife cheated. If he or you fly off the handle and hit, beat, or kill the other one, it doesn't look good that they knew something was up but did nothing. I'm not saying either of you are like that at all. It is just precaution and protocol.
I wanted to respond with, "Yeah, well...you have a wife and you still went and put your mouth on some other chick's twat..." but I didn't.
Today is NOT a good day.