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Is It Wrong That I'm Pissed?

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SoLost1545 posted 8/20/2013 15:41 PM

I posted about my husband cheating 5 years ago, but I just found out about it.

Well, about 8-9 months ago, he tried to commit suicide. He was in the hospital for about 2 weeks (being evaluated and treated).

He told me at the end of July that he cheated on me with another soldier about 6 months after we were married.
Since then, he's been very depressed, despondent, NO emotion at all, laying in bed all day (when not working), etc.

On Thursday, he went to the hospital to be evaluated because he was starting to feel how he did 8 months ago. They admitted him (and he's currently still in there). They diagnosed him, currently, with severe depression.

I understand he has a mental illness and needs treatment. I've put aside how I feel about his infidelity to focus on what he needs right now.

But I'm pissed about it! It's probably insanely selfish and wrong of me, but I'm going to have to walk on eggshells around him, which means that I can't deal with his cheating. Which, then, makes me feel like a huge piece of shit for even being angry about it.

What the hell is wrong with me?

confused615 posted 8/20/2013 15:47 PM

No. It does not mean you can not address his infidelity. Depression doesn't give him a free pass.

He is in the hospital..being evaluated by doctors? So you need to speak with these doctors and tell them what is going on in his life..tell them about the infidelity..and that it has just come out..and it MUST be dealt with..and ask them how to do that. Maybe they will suggest that the two of you only speak about it in MC. But it is unfair,and unhealthy for you to shove your feelings aside. Fuck that. It will make YOU suicidal to do so.

Of course you are angry. You have every right to be. What he did was a huge have been traumatized. And your feelings..and your healing is EVERY bit as important as his.

If you don't address the infidelity,it will happen again. Not talking about it doesn't make it go will always be there.

WHY would you feel like a POS? Your husband cheated on you..more than once. It is normal to be angry. It takes 3-5 years to heal from this shit..he has put you on an emotional roller coaster...depressed or not..he needs to own his shit.

As for it being 5 years ago..that doesn't matter. You just found out about it is new to you.


[This message edited by confused615 at 3:47 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

SoLost1545 posted 8/20/2013 15:56 PM

He swears it was only the one time he cheated (so maybe I wasn't clear with my post).
He sees a counselor weekly (since his suicide attempt 8 months ago). I called her to make her aware of his behavior right before he decided to go to the hospital. I told her that he admitted his infidelity to me. She said that was probably what set this off...and then mentioned us seeing a marriage counselor about it.
I feel like a piece of shit for being pissed at him for being in the hospital. He has a mental illness, which cannot generally be prevented most of the time, and I'm angry that he is in there rather than here groveling. On the plus side, I'm able to be alone in the house (with our 3 year old son) and don't have to deal with his moping.
We have been up to visit him daily (more for our son's benefit), but he really doesn't seem like he cares either way. I had a nurse corner me the other day and tell me about his moping too (he just lays in his room the whole day there).
Ugh! I just don't need this shit right's just too much.

confused615 posted 8/20/2013 15:59 PM

I would be very concerned he is going to use this depression to get you to back off and rugsweep his infidelity. That is unfair to you.

Im so sorry. This is so incredibly unfair to you.

Skan posted 8/20/2013 16:00 PM

When I confronted my FWH, he was in the midst of a full clinical depression that he had been in for years. I was honestly afraid that he would consider suicide. And so yes, I held back some of my anger, and I read his private journals when he would seen to go back downhill, and I was mindful.

The thing that I wasn't, was sweeping his adultry under the rug. He started IC, we stared MC, he started ADs, and he saw a psycologiest for the ADs all within a couple of weeks. And he got no free pass over screwing me over. None at all. He had support and by god, I was using that support for all I was worth so that we would get through this shit-sandwich he served up, depressed or not.

So please. Go tell his doctors exactly what is happening. That way they can monitor him and you can get some support that you need as well. They need to know about this to come up with an effective therapy and health plan for him. And you need it to be out so that you can DEAL with it vice having it swept under that damned rug again. (((hugs)))

phoenixrivers posted 8/20/2013 16:35 PM

Both depression and suicide are choices. If suicide is his solution to his bad behavior, it's his decision and his alone. I'm sure his doctors are more sympathetic, but at some point and in the near future he will have to face his poor choices (including his infidelity) and decide exactly what he plans on doing about them.

As far as I'm concerned he gets no free passes because of poor choices. Better to ask, "What are you planning on doing about your depression and the fact of your infidelity?" and "Exactly what have you been doing in counseling for 8 months?", than to worry about him being "sick".

Your anger is justified and I think the normal reaction to betrayal. Having said that, you may have to wait a bit before you ask the questions. Until then find an IC for yourself.


SoLost1545 posted 8/20/2013 18:38 PM

Thank you all for your input. I'm relieved to know that I'm justified in my reaction.
For some reason, I have always been the one to care for others (but not in an overbearing way). The problem with that is I put everyone else first and I'm always left in the dust.
What happens when the caregiver needs to be taken care of?

hobbeskat posted 8/20/2013 18:49 PM

I STRONGLY disagree that depression is a choice. But do agree to give it a little time. Make him use the resources available to him to cope with depression and with what made him cheat and make it a condition of R. In the meantime, take care of you. Post here, eat, seek support and gentle with yourself.

tushnurse posted 8/20/2013 19:09 PM

Yes you have every right to be pissed. No you are not a pos for feeling this way.

I question what his source of depression is? From serving? From cheating? From it being a life long issue? Whatever it is he is being totally self absorbed right now. While depression is very real and can be difficult to deal with he has to on some level man up.

Are they giving him meds? Had he been evaluated for bipolar? Has he been assessed for abuse as a kid? If not these things need to be addressed.

This does not give him a free pass and you need to go in and talk with his psychiatrist, psychologist, and treatment team. Make them very aware of what you are dealing with and make sure you both have all the supports in place to help you be successful when he's discharged.

Lastly you need to let him know that you are mad as hell but you aren't going anywhere for a while. With whatever time frame you need . Then he needs to know what you need from him to stay when he is not quite so broken

Chicky posted 8/20/2013 19:18 PM

Depression is not a choice. It is an illness. It can be controlled with medication but it is not a choice one willfully makes. No one that has suffered from it wants to feel that way and if they could help it on their own they would.

SoLost1545 posted 8/20/2013 21:08 PM

First, I want to say that I know that depression is not a choice (I know some of you are commenting on what someone else said). It's an illness. My husband is sick, and despite what he did to me, I wouldn't feel right leaving him to deal with this on his own. I'm still very angry, hurt, etc. at what he did...and I don't know if I'll ever be able to get past it.
Having said that, he is on medication for depression. They did evaluate him for an assortment of issues, but they ultimately came up with severe depression.
The depression is not from his time in service, and he does not suffer from PTSD. He has been deployed, but he wasn't deployed to a high combat zone (at least not until right around the end of his deployment...then he was sent to Afghanistan).
His IC is aware of his infidelity. I told her about it when she called me. She is not treating him while he is an inpatient (she is strictly an outpatient behavioral health psychiatrist).
On top of all of this, we have a special needs child (he's almost 4). I have to keep up with his therapy and such. I just don't know how much more I can take before my body and mind just decide it's enough.
I saw my husband today. He told me it looked like I had lost weight...which is strange since I'm eating regular meals and getting some sleep...I think the stress and weight of ALL of this is just getting to me.

Nature_Girl posted 8/21/2013 02:34 AM

My STBX controlled me off & on throughout our marriage with threats of suicide if I got too uppity and dared question him. When he wasn't raging at me he would cry & sob & be so, so sad, depressed, and talk about how we'd all be better off if he were dead.

It took quite a bit of IC for me to internalize that if he did kill himself it would be because of him and his choices, not because of me & my reactions. It's hard to get to that point. It's also sickening to realize that someone has played on your kind heart, using your sympathy to keep you in line.

I hope you don't let this turn into a major rug-sweeping scenario.

SoLost1545 posted 8/21/2013 07:18 AM

I'm not letting what he did get swept under the rug. I'm finally at a point in my life where I'm done being taken advantage of (by everyone, not just him).
He told me yesterday that they may be releasing him soon (either today, or by Monday at the latest), after that, they want to put him in the barracks and have no contact with us for 72 hours (meaning no visits, phone calls, etc.). They generally only do something like that when something has happened in the home (domestic abuse, etc), so I'm thinking that since I made them aware of his infidelity, they may be doing this as a precaution to protect him and myself (so I don't just blow up on him when he comes home...causing him to hurt himself or whatever). I'm not sure. I was told we would meet with a team (his doctor(s), therapist, and social worker) before they released him.

Blameitontherain posted 8/21/2013 14:47 PM

No it is not wrong that you are pissed. Having the depression, suicide risk, etc just means that you have more layers added to the crap you are dealing with. Sorry for that. It does suck but it doesn't mean he gets a free pass. Honestly I would go with him to his IC and ask how do we handle this? Start with what they recommend.

The barracks thing is a precaution to cover their butts. My WH had to do the same with a guy who came home from a deployment with the knowledge his wife cheated. If he or you fly off the handle and hit, beat, or kill the other one, it doesn't look good that they knew something was up but did nothing. I'm not saying either of you are like that at all. It is just precaution and protocol.

SoLost1545 posted 8/21/2013 17:59 PM

Today is NOT a good day. My son had therapy (speech and occupational). He was being difficult the whole time. It's just one of those days.
When we went to visit my husband up at the hospital, I mentioned that we had gone up to the PX because I needed to get a lamp for the bedroom and light bulbs. He responds saying that I have lamps down in the basement (which they aren't really lamps, but more of bright lights you put on a computer desk). He tells me I don't need a lamp for the bedroom because I have something like it already.

I wanted to respond with, "Yeah, have a wife and you still went and put your mouth on some other chick's twat..." but I didn't.

Today is NOT a good day.

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