"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Crescita posted 8/20/2013 16:12 PM

I was a FWB failure in my only attempt, but I've always wondered, how does this not ruin the friendship? Do new partners not mind former FWB hanging around? Does the reverse make you uncomfortable?

I don't stay friends with exes, so the idea of staying friends with someone you have been intimate with seems foreign and unnecessarily complicated.

So I guess 3 questions for those who have had FWB, or have partners who have fFWB

1) Do you remain friends?
2) If so, does your partner know/care?
3) How do you feel about your partner’s fFWB(s)?

Newlease posted 8/20/2013 17:00 PM

I feel that any past sexual partners are not anybody's business. To discuss that leads to disaster, IMO. My SO does not know of any of my past partners other than my obvious XH and I don't know or want to know his.

I can't do FWB. But I know some people can - maybe they will be along soon.

NL

gma56 posted 8/20/2013 17:18 PM

I'm also one that can't do FWB. When I was in my 20s I did and I didn't stay friends after the benefits were canceled.
I also didn't share my sexual history until I married FT and I don't remember how much I told. Too long ago !
With CW, we both have shared some/all sexual history and have been very open of our pasts. No secrets so hopefully no surprises.

SBB posted 8/20/2013 18:05 PM

I had several FWBs before I was married and at the end of the M. I didn't stay in contact with any of them once I was in a relationship.

Many of my recent FWBs have been with relatively new friends. I haven't found a way to maintain a FWB arrangement without them trying to turn it into a relationship so I'd say I have zero chance of maintaining friendships with them.

I personally am unable to stay friends with exes, FWB or otherwise. It is all too intense for me - I don't do well with complications.

I wouldn't be happy if a guy I was seeing was still friends with a FWB. I was OK with being friends with exes in my M (on his side) but I don't think I'll be as willing to be in that situation again.

I suppose it would really depend on the individual circumstances. But FWB, no.

Amazonia posted 8/20/2013 18:16 PM

My fFWB knows I'm dating and stays away. He always pops up when I'm single again but I've turned him down after the first time ended, since it's not what I'm interested in at this time.

persevere posted 8/21/2013 00:41 AM

My FWB relationships, and there have been two in memory, haven't been sustained friendships. We may keep in touch after, but it's nothing but occasional contact.

I wouldn't feel the need to share that, or much of my sexual history with a partner.

Weatherly posted 8/21/2013 09:07 AM

I've had a few FWB. Heck, my husband used to be a FWB. (Apparently, we got attached )

I have only remained friends with one of them.

haven't been sustained friendships. We may keep in touch after, but it's nothing but occasional contact.

Yeah, that is how it is with ffwb.

Aussie does know about the guy, but has never met him. He doesn't care.

Aussie had a few as well. Most of them he lost contact with before we met. The one he didn't was oddly possessive when we got serious. So, he went NC with her as well. I'm glad, because there was no way this woman was going to end up a friend of our marriage, ya know? And, I actually knew the other ones, and the man had a habit of attracting crazy. So, I'm honestly glad he hasn't remained friends with any of them.

I feel that any past sexual partners are not anybody's business.

I don't think I agree with this. I'd be pretty upset if I found out that some woman my husband was good friends with was somebody he used to sleep with. I mean, why hide it? I think many people would be upset if their partner was hanging out with an ex, and the current partner didn't know it was an ex until quite awhile later. Reading here, about how many people see red flags in everyday situations, it seems that if someone posted "I've been dating a great guy for 6 months, and he was good friends with a girl. But, I found out yesterday, she's his ex girlfriend" so many would be quick to jump on the "he's hiding something, red flag" so...how is not admitting you slept with a friend better/different?

Newlease posted 8/21/2013 09:34 AM

I guess that's not an issue for me, because I don't keep in contact with any of them. Except for maybe a casual contact, but very rare.

I guess as long as both people know about any diseases or potential diseases, then who, when, how many are just not anything that needs to be shared.

I shared with my XWH (prior to my marriage), and it came back to bite me in the butt when he was trying to justify his A.

I'm still of the opinion "Don't ask, don't tell" on this subject.

NL

hill posted 8/21/2013 16:40 PM

I would have a really hard time if a SO hid the fact that he had been intimate with a female friend. I think it's always a good idea to let the new SO know... that way new SO doesn't feel there is still lingering intimacy (meaning secrets).

Now numbers, I don't believe in sharing!!!

hexed posted 8/21/2013 16:56 PM

1) Do you remain friends?

-Yes in the one successful FWB situation in my life we are still friends many years later

2) If so, does your partner know/care?

Yes, TG knows. As does FWB's wife. Due to the natural course of our lives we've had less time to hang out together and we've both moved to different cities so we don't see each other much. TG is fine regardless of what I do but I choose to only hang out with FWB in groups or public places just b/c of our history and now we have other people to consider YMMV
3) How do you feel about your partner’s fFWB(s)?

TG does not maintain many female friendships so this hasn't been an issue.

My one successful FWB situation was very unusual I guess. We were so blunt and honest during the summer we were FWB that it really made the whole thing work. We were both clear that we were looking for permanent partners but the other person wasn't it. There was a moment in time when that line got blurred and we both pulled back and talked about it VERY candidly. Early on we had realized that our fundamental beliefs in life were not compatible nor were our long term goals. Any LTR would be doomed or at least plagued by tension of competing ideals and goals.

damncutekitty posted 8/21/2013 22:54 PM

Normally I feel that past partners are not anyone's biz but my own. However, I have one past FWB that is still in my social circle. He also slept with a few other girls in our social circle, back when we were all single and partying a lot. (whereas now the group has mostly coupled up and drifted a bit) My SO knows about him mostly because I preferred he hear it from me than from someone else, like at a party or something.

damncutekitty posted 8/21/2013 22:55 PM

My story is a good example of why you should find your FWBs outside of your normal social circle.

persevere posted 8/22/2013 16:57 PM

...why you should find your FWBs outside of your normal social circle

Definitely!

BeyondBreaking posted 8/22/2013 17:31 PM

I LOVED doing FWB in my younger single days.

Each FWB relationship was different and had it's own unique set of "rules."

With some of them, we were FWB, and didn't sleep with other people. We weren't anything other than friends and never officially dated, but didn't sleep with anyone else either.
-Most of those ended in disaster when one person decided that they wanted to officially date, and the other didn't OR when one person started dating someone else and the benefits ended. I am unfortunately not friends with any of these people, BUT unlike most of my ex's, I have nothing negative to say about any of these people.

With some FWB, we slept with others while having our arrangement and we just didn't discuss it. It was a clear understanding that if one or the other person started feeling more, that person needed to end the benefits and take space immediately. Benefits ended if/when one person or both people were in relationships. The friendship was kept seperate, if you will, from the sex. So yes, there was sex, but it wasn't really talked about.
-I am facebook friends with 1 of them, but we don't talk or keep in touch really at all. Part of that is because my H is not comfortable with that, which I completely respect.

I had two FWB who were more like "between boyfriends" FWB's (I hooked up with them seperately- no three people situation ever happened just so that there is no confusion). We got together when both of us were between relationships. I was (and if H was comfortable with it, still would be) very good friends with both of them. We never ever liked each other anything other than platonically, and genuinely were happy when the other person was in a relationship and happy. We were able to talk about sex with other people and not get jealous.
-I am not friends with them anymore because H doesn't feel comfortable with EITHER of us being friends and regularly chatting with people who we formally slept with. Both of these people understand- there have been relationships in which SO's didn't want us to hang out and we backed off, and SO's who weren't jealous and we are all friends. If H ever allowed it, I would love to be friends with these people again (obviously no sleeping with them involved and nothing inappropriate).

Crescita posted 8/22/2013 18:17 PM

Thanks for all the replies. I'm glad to know my thinking isn't out of line on this.

It would seem odd to me to remain close friends and not let your partner know, so it makes sense that people do it with friends they aren't afraid of being less close to down the line.

UnexpectedSong posted 8/22/2013 19:45 PM

There is a term for FWB if you are not friends (during or after) - FB (f___ buddy).

c6284x posted 8/23/2013 02:00 AM

I'm jealous. I never had a FWB