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What is wrong with me ??

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Taurus517 posted 8/20/2013 16:31 PM

These couple of days has been really rough personally. Realized a lot of personal childhood trauma and the A has been hitting harder now a days. I hate looking at myself in the mirror now because of who i see. I dont want to be this person anymore and it makes it harder because I see my BS every morning and every night. I did this and I cant take it back. She is beautiful, I dont want to leave for work in the morning because I see her and just want to hold her and keep telling her I'm sorry. The fact is I cant rewrite the past and I'm pissed.
I have been reading some posts and I'm not the only one that cant remember things and compartmentalize things. It has been locked away far far far away or I just forget about it right after it happened and move on from it. So when BS asks questions and I dont have answers, I get frustrated at myself because I dont have the answer for her and she is getting tired of hearing I dont know or I cant remember. So is it just me not really remembering the details or am I really blocking everything away, this is a why I have been asking.
I have rescheduled my IC for this weekend and the last time I have been was in Feb. I need help for myself to get to the root of all this. I just have a hard time going through the day without a reminder of what I did and to see my BS the way she is, the up and down. Knowing this is my doing and I have caused her to be in this position hurts a lot.
I cant stand this right now because I cant stand seeing my BS this way, she deserves so much more and I cant stand myself, half the time I'm confused and the other I'm pushing to make this work. I have dug myself into this BIG ASSSSSSSSSS HOLE and I hate it !!!

jrr111800 posted 8/20/2013 17:40 PM

I completely understand how you feel. I too am completely at a loss when it comes to details. My sweet beautiful loving BS needs them and I just canít give them. I am not hiding anything, I have come completely clean. As for remember every little detail of my ONS, I donít have them, or a timeline. It meant absolutely nothing to me, mentally detached from the whole thing. If I could remember I would give them. All I can do is show my BS is that I love her, only her with my actions and my words. I donít think we leave out details because we are afraid, I truly believe that we just donít remember, we are not wired that way, especially when it really meant nothing to us. She knows more about my EA that lasted months than I even remember and that was recent. I know my BS is hurting and I am the cause, my ego, my selfishness made her this way. I am the one to blame and I am the one who must do everything possible to fix my marriage, family and myself.
I made the mistake of TTing my through the first week or so and that did not help one bit it only made it worse. I do feel my BS does feel a tad bit better knowing it is all out but she will always be waiting for some other shoe to drop. Whatís frustrating is that there will not be another shoe and we have no credibility to back that up. Frustrated because we cannot make the hurt go away quickly enough. We will have to stand by our BS and ride the rollercoaster and do it with as much compassion and love as possible.
I am in IC and its good to see that you are going too, hopefully you and I both can figure why we both made these awful mistakes and how we can help the one we love the most, heal. Good luck my friend and know that you are not alone.

Taurus517 posted 8/20/2013 22:11 PM

@jrr111800 thank you. I know i'm not the only one going through this. My BS tells me all the time that SI has people in my shoes.

TTing my through the first week or so and that did not help one bit it only made it worse

I TT for 4 months and lead a wild goose hunt when I had the answers, I know since the truth came out, it has gotten worst because she cant believe me.

I donít think we leave out details because we are afraid, I truly believe that we just donít remember,

That just doesnt work does it ?? We should be able to remember everything because of what we did and if we can go that far to destroy our BS, we should be able to remember right ?? Thats the problem I'm facing is I a telling my BS everything I know and some questions I really dont have an answer too, what do I do ???!!!

1DumbHusband posted 8/20/2013 23:56 PM

My lovely BS and I had a discussion over this this weekend because of some TT. Here is my suggestion: tell you BS that you will tell her everything you remember now. As more info comes to your memory, you will tell her (right then and there). Even if she's having a good day, tell her as soon as you remember. My mistake was I remembered something and and didn't tell my wife right away. Instead it TT'd out because I was dealing with the death of a family member who passed instead of telling my BS right away like I promised. Long story short: promise to give more as it comes out and then give it right away no matter the consequences. If its a bad time, my wife suggested I bring it up as follows: honey, I just remembered something. Do you want to discuss it now or later when you're in a better state of mind to talk about it?

jrr111800 posted 8/21/2013 08:37 AM

That just doesnt work does it ??

No it really doesn't, that is what sucks. If I had answers I would give them. I think what 1DH said about telling her when you remember something you will tell her right away. I told my BS that if I could remember I would tell her. I am not hiding anything. Why would I, I have already have caused so much pain there is no way in hell I want that to just keep her from healing on purpose. I dug this hole, now I am focusing on just rebuilding this ladder one rung at a time.

[This message edited by jrr111800 at 8:38 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)]

Taurus517 posted 8/22/2013 21:01 PM

@ 1DumbHusband thanks for your advice. I had an opportunity to do just that today and didnt, I gave a short answer instead of putting my best foot forward and give the whole scenario. I was thinking and ASSuming that a question is asked and I will provide the answer and if there are more questions I will answer. So BS said to me what you said. No matter the situation I either let her know or write it down till I get the chance to tell her, regardless once I find out new info let her know right then and there. Thank you for the response.

@jrr I agree with you and thank you again.

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