If the situation were reversed would the WS have enough love and commitment to stay? I mean, they certainly didn't have enough love to be faithful, how could they have enough to bear the terrible burden of betrayal they've put on us? To be able to suffer the pain, the shame, the humiliation, the insecurity. All the while be able to look at their spouse and say, "I love you to much to walk away. I love you so much I'm willing to go through the years of hard work to make our marriage strong again."
If they couldn't love us enough to say "no", how could they love us enough to walk in our shoes?
[This message edited by Yakamishi at 4:47 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]
I know..I know..more questions.
My WH has already told me how he would handle the shoe being on the other foot. He "thought" I was cheating on him..so he decided to cheat on me...rather than confront me,search for evidence,file,etc. (I was not cheating..and had he bothered to investigate *at all* he would have known that)
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
I gave him no cause or reason to think I was cheating so I don't buy that excuse and he's never repeated it. I bring it up because if it were true he's telling he would cheat instead of working on it.
Now he says he would have worked with me and stayed married.
I couldn't have imagined ever staying with a cheating H nor how hard it would be to face infidelity when so blindsided. I feel battered, abused, PTSD effects, etc.
So I don't think anyone knows what they would do unless it happens. And we are all different as to our tolerances of what we can live with...
[This message edited by whattheh at 6:47 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]
I mean, they certainly didn't have enough love to be faithful
I'm not sure that "love" keeps people faithful. I think my WH was not emotionally healthy enough to be faithful. It really had nothing to do with how much he loved me. Life is hard, he couldn't deal, he fell apart, he did stupid shit. No amount of love for me could overcome his FOO, his dysfunction and his buttheadedness.
It the situation had been reversed on d-day, there is no way my H could have done what I am doing. Not because he didn't love me enough, but because he was f#cked-up. He was way too broken for R as a BS.
Even now, after 50+ hours of IC, I don't think he would be able to handle me cheating . . . but he is strong enough to be a remorseful, giving fWS.
It's not my love for fWH that made me stay. It's my solid mental health, and my conviction that fWH is the right person for me.
Had I cheated on him at the time of D-Day 1? He wouldn't have kicked my ass to the curb, necessarily. He would've gone on a drinking bender and would've for sure had a RA. I just know it. He was really unhealthy. And his lack of health meant he was only committed to me to a degree. I think he loved me immensely - but the commitment wasn't there because he couldn't really see beyond himself and what he needed to numb his pain and problems.
If the situation were reversed would the WS have enough love and commitment to stay?
Personally, I don't think anyone knows what they would actually do until they are staring face to face with betrayal. However, if the situation were reversed, I suspect my FWW would have tried to R.
Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.
I don't think he would have been able to be as strong as I have been. I think he might have stayed with me, but I think he would have punished me with his anger a lot more than I have him. He would have called me horrible names. He would have been more distant than I've been I think. And I wouldn't be surprised if he had a revenge affair, since he was obviously capable of cheating when I thought we were happy.
I don't think he realizes how truly hard this is. He says he's sorry, but I just don't think he understands. It feels like I live with a rock on my chest that never goes away. I think he had too many issues to be able to live with that the way I have.
He "thought" I was cheating on him..so he decided to cheat on me...rather than confront me,search for evidence,file,etc. (I was not cheating..and had he bothered to investigate *at all* he would have known that)
^^This was my WH as well^^
He says he would be pissed off and hurt - but he says he'd be willing to work on us. IDK if that's true because in reality he doesn't have to deal with me having an A or an OC with another man - would he be so forgiving? I have my doubts.
working towards D...I can't pretend anymore
**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**
I also know, had I left him, he would have immediately gotten involved with someone else in effort to not be alone.
He's worked hard on that issue though.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
shatteredheart this in your signature:
7/13~ Happier than we have been in yrs
gives me much hope that it doesn't HAVE to end...I know it's work, but I love seeing this stuff!
ON TOPIC - to add to what I wrote - I do know he told the OW he would never leave me...not sure if that includes if I cheated though...
WS gets very jealous and doesn't like other men at all. He hates all of my ex's, even ones from high school and whatnot, and gets really angry and jealous if I ever mention any reference to sexual activity before him. One time he found a picture of my prom date kissing me on the cheek and flipped out (this was while he was cyber cheating on me...). I don't think he would be able to handle it.
"What did you expect? I am a scorpion."
While my H says he wouldn't, I really don't know how he would respond if it came down to it. And he is man enough to admit that he is not sure either, since it was a deal breaker for me before DDay and I stayed anyway.
His response: it wouldn't matter how I react. I would be gone. I would be divorcing you.