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Would the WS love you enough?

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Yakamishi posted 8/20/2013 16:44 PM

At the risk of sounding abrasive...

If the situation were reversed would the WS have enough love and commitment to stay? I mean, they certainly didn't have enough love to be faithful, how could they have enough to bear the terrible burden of betrayal they've put on us? To be able to suffer the pain, the shame, the humiliation, the insecurity. All the while be able to look at their spouse and say, "I love you to much to walk away. I love you so much I'm willing to go through the years of hard work to make our marriage strong again."

If they couldn't love us enough to say "no", how could they love us enough to walk in our shoes?

[This message edited by Yakamishi at 4:47 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

confused615 posted 8/20/2013 16:48 PM

...and if they didn't love us enough to say "no" before...why are we to believe they love us enough to say "no" now?

I know..I know..more questions.

My WH has already told me how he would handle the shoe being on the other foot. He "thought" I was cheating on he decided to cheat on me...rather than confront me,search for evidence,file,etc. (I was not cheating..and had he bothered to investigate *at all* he would have known that)

babbs posted 8/20/2013 16:54 PM

I hope its ok to reply. Im the WW and I too am suffering the humiliation of this. I too am showing up every day hoping to mend this "break" I've created. I too have fears that he will decide to walk at any moment.
I want a loving H again and I may never have that with him again I want to see love in his eyes.... I'm in this fight too. I would do the same had it been him. You will never know for sure but what does that matter? Your WS is with you now working on a better life. Please focus on that it's paramount.

Yakamishi posted 8/20/2013 17:22 PM

Ty Babbs. I hear what your saying, but you say that now from the perspective and guilt of a WW. I'm not judging you, I'm just trying to illustrate that it takes a hell of allot of love to try to work through a betrayal. I would go further in proposing that the love needed, would be considerable greater than that which was needed to stay simply stay faithful. If one can't do that, how could they do the harder, more difficult task as trying to reconcile with the one who did the unimaginable?

babbs posted 8/20/2013 17:36 PM

I see. Well as a WW that was not well during my A I can tell you that the proverbial slap in the face I received was what I needed when being caught. There are many what if's that you can drive yourself mad over. I think you know your marriage is worth the fight and after all that's why were all here.

whattheh posted 8/20/2013 18:44 PM

My H also claimed at first that he cheated cuz he thought I was. I have read this is a common excuse they come up with (projection).

I gave him no cause or reason to think I was cheating so I don't buy that excuse and he's never repeated it. I bring it up because if it were true he's telling he would cheat instead of working on it.

Now he says he would have worked with me and stayed married.

I couldn't have imagined ever staying with a cheating H nor how hard it would be to face infidelity when so blindsided. I feel battered, abused, PTSD effects, etc.

So I don't think anyone knows what they would do unless it happens. And we are all different as to our tolerances of what we can live with...

[This message edited by whattheh at 6:47 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

sailorgirl posted 8/20/2013 21:25 PM

I mean, they certainly didn't have enough love to be faithful

I'm not sure that "love" keeps people faithful. I think my WH was not emotionally healthy enough to be faithful. It really had nothing to do with how much he loved me. Life is hard, he couldn't deal, he fell apart, he did stupid shit. No amount of love for me could overcome his FOO, his dysfunction and his buttheadedness.

It the situation had been reversed on d-day, there is no way my H could have done what I am doing. Not because he didn't love me enough, but because he was f#cked-up. He was way too broken for R as a BS.

Even now, after 50+ hours of IC, I don't think he would be able to handle me cheating . . . but he is strong enough to be a remorseful, giving fWS.

It's not my love for fWH that made me stay. It's my solid mental health, and my conviction that fWH is the right person for me.

RockyMtn posted 8/20/2013 21:30 PM

If I did it now? As in today? I think he'd be in for R. Even without the guilt of an A. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if he was as healthy as he is now, he'd be strong enough to R.

Had I cheated on him at the time of D-Day 1? He wouldn't have kicked my ass to the curb, necessarily. He would've gone on a drinking bender and would've for sure had a RA. I just know it. He was really unhealthy. And his lack of health meant he was only committed to me to a degree. I think he loved me immensely - but the commitment wasn't there because he couldn't really see beyond himself and what he needed to numb his pain and problems.

HardenMyHeart posted 8/20/2013 21:33 PM

If the situation were reversed would the WS have enough love and commitment to stay?

Personally, I don't think anyone knows what they would actually do until they are staring face to face with betrayal. However, if the situation were reversed, I suspect my FWW would have tried to R.

Lonelygirl10 posted 8/21/2013 09:45 AM

My WS said repeatedly after DDay that he would have already forgiven me if it was reversed. I took some time apart from him, and he used to say that he wouldn't have done that. That he would have been back with me sooner. It frustrated me a lot every single time he said that.

I don't think he would have been able to be as strong as I have been. I think he might have stayed with me, but I think he would have punished me with his anger a lot more than I have him. He would have called me horrible names. He would have been more distant than I've been I think. And I wouldn't be surprised if he had a revenge affair, since he was obviously capable of cheating when I thought we were happy.

I don't think he realizes how truly hard this is. He says he's sorry, but I just don't think he understands. It feels like I live with a rock on my chest that never goes away. I think he had too many issues to be able to live with that the way I have.

strongerdaybyday posted 8/21/2013 09:57 AM

He "thought" I was cheating on he decided to cheat on me...rather than confront me,search for evidence,file,etc. (I was not cheating..and had he bothered to investigate *at all* he would have known that)

^^This was my WH as well^^

He says he would be pissed off and hurt - but he says he'd be willing to work on us. IDK if that's true because in reality he doesn't have to deal with me having an A or an OC with another man - would he be so forgiving? I have my doubts.

Kelany posted 8/21/2013 10:01 AM

My husband has said he would have forgiven me and not left the marriage. I do tend to believe him because he can't be alone. I'm not saying that in an insulting way, it's just him. He was terrified of losing me (so why have affairs right??) and he very likely would have rug swept and stayed. Though, he wouldn't have been staying for the right reasons.

I also know, had I left him, he would have immediately gotten involved with someone else in effort to not be alone.

He's worked hard on that issue though.

shatteredheart7 posted 8/21/2013 10:02 AM

My FWH also has said that he thought I was cheating, actually OW convinced him of it because of a trip I took with my kids to visit family and wouldn't let him go with me. Yeah, he was pretty messed up (shake my damn head)! When he confessed to me I asked him what he would say if I told him I had cheated (I hadn't), his answer was "I would say I had been right" meaning he was correct in thinking I had cheated. He says he would have stayed with me, which I believe because he honestly thought I was cheating and he told her that he had no intention of ending our marriage (would have been easier on me than what he did).Yes, I have seen the email to her stating this. However, I don't believe that he would have been as nice as I have been and I doubt he would have wanted to go to MC. If it happened now, yes, I do believe he would want to work it out. He is in a much better state mentally and emotionally than he was almost 4 yrs ago when he first started talking to OW.

strongerdaybyday posted 8/21/2013 10:16 AM

Sorry this is off topic but:

shatteredheart this in your signature:

7/13~ Happier than we have been in yrs

gives me much hope that it doesn't HAVE to end...I know it's work, but I love seeing this stuff!

ON TOPIC - to add to what I wrote - I do know he told the OW he would never leave me...not sure if that includes if I cheated though...

sparklezombie posted 8/21/2013 12:22 PM

MY WH would never stay. Not for a minute would he put up with the crap that I've put up with. Makes me wonder why I put up with it for so long...

lostworld posted 8/21/2013 12:23 PM

Oddly enough, I know he would have stayed and done all the necessary work of R. Perhaps knowing that is one of the many reasons I stayed. Hmmm.

BeyondBreaking posted 8/21/2013 13:09 PM

I doubt it.

WS gets very jealous and doesn't like other men at all. He hates all of my ex's, even ones from high school and whatnot, and gets really angry and jealous if I ever mention any reference to sexual activity before him. One time he found a picture of my prom date kissing me on the cheek and flipped out (this was while he was cyber cheating on me...). I don't think he would be able to handle it.

jjsr posted 8/21/2013 13:19 PM

His honest answer has been he doesn't know. I respect that answer because before this happened, I didn't know if I would stay or go either.

doesitgetbetter posted 8/21/2013 13:23 PM

In all fairness, how many BS's swore before DDay that infidelity would be a sudden and instantaneous deal breaker, only to find that it wasn't when push came to shove? It's not fair, IMO, to question if the WS would stay if the BS had cheated on them because TONS of people say they wouldn't, only to change their minds when faced with it as a reality.

While my H says he wouldn't, I really don't know how he would respond if it came down to it. And he is man enough to admit that he is not sure either, since it was a deal breaker for me before DDay and I stayed anyway.

Blameitontherain posted 8/21/2013 14:36 PM

Before WH became remorseful, I said what if I did xyz to you? How would you feel, react, etc?

His response: it wouldn't matter how I react. I would be gone. I would be divorcing you.

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