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Who is like me? Need a few SI friends in my same boat....

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sleepless34 posted 8/20/2013 16:58 PM

Hi,
I have found this group really helpful. It is good to read the stories and feel like mine is not the only lifetime movie of the week. There are people with lots of similar situations and everyone has been so kind and caring.

I am looking for a few SI friends to start a thread with me that are in a similar situation....??

H dropped bomb 2 weeks ago.
The story was confessed in a pretty immature and selfish way that was all about him not being able to "hold it all in anymore" and wanting to "live honestly now." Eventually, I got the whole story- which was not just him confessing what he did and asking for forgiveness. He was spinning it that he made a mistake and I kicked him out and of course I could never forgive him....so I guess I made that decision??

No. He made the decision to
leave the marraige. He met some skank in a sex chat room. They had a few sexual encounters and eventually it turned into a full blown LOVE affair. Yuck.

This has been going on for 16 months now. He has never communicated during this time that he was unhappy or that we had any issues that needed to be addressed. I had actually been REALLY happy this last few years because I left my job and started rediscovering myself, was less stressed, everyone in the family seemed to be thriving.

Prior to affair and during Sex life was not great. But honestly, whose is after 15 years, two careers, little kids, etc. He wanted more of it, and I told him what would make it work better for me. Little things, emotional connnections, more help, more affection pre bedroom. Same old story. I thought he just didn't care to put the effort in and just accepted it wasn't happening as often.

Well, it was happening alot over the last 16 months, just not with me....again YICK.

So, now he says he is in love with this skank he met in a sex chat room. SHe is getting D, my H wants D. Seriously???

I don't want him back. I feel like I don't even know who is or how he could do this to the person he said he would love, honor, respect- even if he wasn't "in love" with me, you still don't treat me that way. No Way. So cruel. Ripped apart all we built in 15 years.

Anyway. He is intellectualizing it all. Trying to justify and rationalize it. He doesn't really accept what he did as "it would be too depressing to focus on coulda, woulda, shoulda and I just want to live in integrity now and move forward." Huh? bullshit. bullshit. Bullshit.

He is deep in denial of the catastrophe of this thing for me and the kids. The life we had. Everything is going to be different and he can't even accept what he has done...just wants to move forward...


Anyway, I will be going through a D I am sure soon. Trying to be smart, letting the dust settle, getting my bearings. Meeting with professionals- IC, Separation Therapist (for kids), finding good Lawyer who is not a shark-type but compassionate type. Looking into how D works in our state, learning as much as I can.


Who is in similar situation and wants to be my buddy here????

Deeply Scared posted 8/20/2013 19:22 PM

Sleepless...

I'm bumping this for you in hopes someone out there can relate to your situation.

Hang in there

MovingUpward posted 8/20/2013 20:08 PM

Your situation seems to overlap with so many here. Maybe there aren't many that are 100% the same but there are many many here that share commonality with you.

Many WS try to rationalize and justify their actions. Some want to bail and unfortunately there isn't much that you can do.

I will advise on top of what you are already planning on doing is to secure financial documents - bank statements, savings, bonds, stocks, retirement accounts, cars, houses, any other significant asset. This will protect you in getting a fair financial D settlement.

I wish I could help more.

suckstobeme posted 8/20/2013 20:10 PM

Honey, you got your buddy.

I had a very similar path, save and except for how he met the ho. I also had no idea he was unhappy, let alone willingly flinging himself off the deep end behind my back.

I too was M for fifteen years with two small kids. He also rationalzed and still refuses to see the damaged he caused me and still causes the kids. He left just about three years ago and we have been D for almost two. I have to deal with him now living with that pig and my kids having to be around her. That's a whole different ball of shit.

You are welcome to pm me and ask whatever u want, whenever u want. I can tell u that it will suck for a while. They don't call it a roller coaster of emotions for nothing. But, the storm will slow one day and life will be better again. You just need to be strong and trudge through it.

tryingagain74 posted 8/20/2013 20:42 PM

Hi there. My story is similar. As far as I could tell, we had a pretty decent life together. It wasn't perfect. I felt stressed out and wanted him to be more of a partner. I often felt like a single mom way before the A. I also totally agree with this:

Prior to affair and during Sex life was not great. But honestly, whose is after 15 years, two careers, little kids, etc. He wanted more of it, and I told him what would make it work better for me. Little things, emotional connnections, more help, more affection pre bedroom. Same old story. I thought he just didn't care to put the effort in and just accepted it wasn't happening as often.

Same with me. We were married 13 years, three little kids, and he had LONG given up being romantic. I was supposed to do all the work-- be the domestic goddess by day and then magically transform into the sex goddess by night. He didn't do much to make either even remotely a reality.

Anyway, my XWH met his "true love" on Ashley Madison (and actually married her... what a train wreck). He threw everything away without even hinting that he was unhappy (except for ONE phone conversation when he was deeply into the A where he said he was thinking about divorcing me... and we talked through it, and I thought we were okay since I had no idea what he was really up to). We never went to MC. He never bothered to ask for a D before he involved a third party. He just used the A to nuke our marriage.

This was almost two years ago, and we've been divorced for over two months. It gets so much better once you get some space and distance. Hang in there, and make sure that you take care of yourself and your kids. Your WH also sounds a lot like mine in that he wanted to discuss the A (once I discovered it) only so he could get it off of his chest. I remember my XWH saying, "I feel so much better." Yeah. Great. Glad you feel better so that I could feel like garbage. While my XWH wasn't as bad in the D as some on here, he wasn't the most generous and repentant man either. I doubt that yours will be, so move quickly-- get as much as you can before he starts letting go of the guilt and thinking about his life with the OW, or worse yet, before she starts getting involved in his financials and wants to start pulling the strings.

sleepless34 posted 8/21/2013 11:10 AM

Thank you! I do want to talk and any advice you will give me will be greatly appreciated...I am trying to figure out how to PM and respond directly to your posts. I will try that too, so if this is a repeat, sorry.


I feel a little bit better today than I did yesterday. I feel like I have the upper hand right now, but I agree that this person is not going to feel bad and guilty for long and than act like even more of a jerk.

I am meeting with L tomorrow and going to start the process. He promised he would send overview of our financials, and I asked again for it today so hopefully I will get it.

I am waiting right now for his mother to call me....she is really upset about all this and wants to talk to me. It is going to be hard. Her husband did the same exact thing to her. She thinks this is the same thing, and that my H's father walking out is the reason he is going crazy right now. I have heard from my SILs anyway, as I have not spoken to her directly.

Do you think he did the A to blow up the marraige? Or fling that turned into romantic affair? I don't know if it matters but I am wondering.....

sleepless34 posted 8/21/2013 18:05 PM

SO Today I got served!

WTF. He agreed he wouldn't do that. He agreed to take it at my pace and let the dust settle. We have it in writing. I can't trust anything he says. He is not reasonable nor trustworthy and he is playing me. Still. Now I have to Lawyer up for reals and get ugly and I really don't want to do that.

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