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Why cant I be happy?

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broken313 posted 8/20/2013 17:16 PM

So here I am on holiday in an amazing villa on a mediterranean island....nearly 5 months since dday. And I'm out of my comfort zone, work, parents, friends. I'm feeling so sad.
I look at him and think back to when we booked this time off, he was right in the middle of his A... I asked him had he wished he was taking her and not us? Of course not, I never stopped loving you he says.
I have kept well out of his way again like the early days.

Why are you so sad when all these happy times are here he says.
I said I don't trust being happy anymore, its not important to me.
He looks sad and says sorry.

Our 17th wedding anniversary is coming up in 5 days, I cant bear to even recognise it, I know this has something to do with how low I'm feeling. Feel an idiot for not really this man after so long together.
Have moved really far from R here, what the heck is wrong with me?

Morhurt posted 8/20/2013 17:28 PM

Oh Broken,
That feels sad. I can feel it through your post. I'm so sorry.

rachelc posted 8/20/2013 17:41 PM

((broken313)) you are very early in this journey, however in turns out. try to enjoy where you are, knowing that everything will turn out ok,no matter what happens...

I booked our family vacation to a lake home when he was in an affair. I mean I agonized over every detail. When
i figured that out I ran out of the house. I'm not sure how he thought he was going to go on a vacation with a OW back home but I'm sure he didn't think that far ahead.
at any rate, it was over by then and I enjoyed the fruits of MY labor!
please take some time to enjoy the scenery and know that better times are ahead.

LA44 posted 8/20/2013 17:51 PM

broken313, to echo rachelc, you are early on in this. It doesn't matter how beautiful the scenery when your heart is broken.

You make a choice about how you want this vacation to go. It's okay to love your H and want to strangle him too. It's okay to feel sad, to cry, to feel a little lost. It's also okay if you decide to hold hands and walk down the beach. For so long, you did not have the ability to make a choice. Now you do.

Your H needs to understand that this is the new normal for now.

Find 5 beautiful things every day to appreciate while on holiday bc no matter where you go, there you are.

I hope tomorrow is better.

UKlady posted 8/21/2013 01:07 AM

((broken313)) - I feel your pain and was in your shoes just a couple of weeks ago! On holiday in a most beautiful part of the world with stunning scenery yet still feeling so unhappy.

Our recovery has been going so well but the feelings of happiness made it seem worse. I think this may be a pattern for many of us so you're not alone in feeling like this.

You may be putting yourself under too much pressure, subconsciously, to enjoy the beautiful place you are in. Allow yourself to feel what you feel and take a bit of time to appreciate the beauty of the scenery around you. I know it's hard and my holiday wasn't perfect by any means but once it's over you will be able to look back on it and know that your WS was not involved in the A and it will be a new 'past' memory you have created.

Take care.

kansas1968 posted 8/21/2013 02:42 AM

Because you are only five months out. It is unfortunate that you could not have posponed this romantic holiday until later on the coaster ride. You are terrified to seem happy because you don't want your FWS to think he is off the hook.
That is the hardest thing to overcome and start allowing yourself to be happy. I would just tell my WS that I feel really good today, but don't know how long it will last. Or, I feel really crappy today and talking to you about the affair would really help.

We went on a trip about six months out and it was a bit rough, but we did have some good times.

It is just a terrible journey and it takes years to heal.

So sorry for your pain.

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