oh sistermilkshake...I so enjoy your posts!
I love that scene....Meg is taking the philosophical high road...and Billy is stating the blunt reality.
nekorb...I find the same thing odd....and I am surprisingly fine with this attitude. Don't get my wrong, it is surprising...maybe ironic? But, as I go through this I am understanding my wife like never before. I see the coping mechanism within her that made an A not only possible but actually probable. It is this same coping mechanism that leads me to kind of the same point you are at....that our WS really don't grasp what is being offered to them. Maybe a more accurate way to describe this is that they don't see the situation in the same light as we do?
Let me try to explain...
Conflict avoiders cope by avoiding conflict. The fact that our WS are unable to fully commit to R is a natural mode for them....that would mean fully committing to a long duration conflict. What we see as an opportunity to make amends they MAY see as a sentence to more conflict...which is NOT a blessing to them, but a curse.
I don't think they are necessarily being mean or hurtful regarding this action...I think they really ARE fence sitting...thinking and rethinking if they ever loved us in a sustainable way, looking at the many times they were NOT happy or comfortable in our marriages. I wonder if conflict avoiders would ever be content and comfortable in a long term relationship...because conflict is an unavoidable part of a relationship. By letting little things go so as not to endure any conflict...they will eventually feel overwhelmed by the feelings generated by years of avoiding conflict...and repeat the stepping-out pattern again. (to be sure, if I don't want to repeat my unhealthy patterns I must change my poor coping mechanisms as well...this is why it is also true that D does not solve problems. If you don't change within yourself you will simply repeat your pattern with the next person X amount of time down that path).
In my opinion they are subconsciously building a case to avoid further conflict by laying the groundwork to say....You know what, I never really loved you like I should have...its just not meant to be.
I am fine with this now...wasn't always...but am now. I am now because for the past 11 months I have been immersed in infidelity and coping mechanisms. It is clear to me that unless strong changes are made with regards to both of our childhood-established coping mechanisms (my fear of abandonment and her conflict avoidance and need suppression) we stand exactly zero chance of R our marriage.
I believe my wife is processing as best she can, I am doing the same thing...and suspect you and your husband are too.
The simple fact is the best we can may not be enough to save our marriages. It could prove to tough and too painful to actually do.
We can only control ourselves...truer words have not been spoken.
11 months in and I can tell you I have seen real change in me. I have more to work on and have no doubt that I will continue to work on them. I am doing this for myself and for those who I have and will choose to have a relationships with. I pray my M will R. I also know it is not all up to me.
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 2:28 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)]