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It's not even the A that I'm most worried about....

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nekorb posted 8/20/2013 17:39 PM

I find this odd, but the affair is almost a negligible event in my mind.

What I'm Lilly conned about is that my husband may leave me. We were having some relationship issues anyway that we were just not communicating about and progress was pretty much stalled and the problems worsened.

I know this is what led up to the affair - I see the affair as a symptom, not the problem.

Right now my husband isn't sure that he wants to commit to the long haul of R. Are you kidding? You cheated on me and I'm the one worrying about R?

But I can't help it. I love him.

SisterMilkshake posted 8/20/2013 19:14 PM

we were just not communicating about and progress was pretty much stalled and the problems worsened.
I know this is what led up to the affair - I see the affair as a symptom, not the problem.
I will disagree with you. The problems in your marriage didn't lead to or cause your WH to have an affair. His issues, his coping mechanisms, his demons, his brokeness or whatever his dysfunction was is why he had an affair.

Look, you were experiencing the exact same things in the exact same marriage. Did these "problems" cause you to go fuck a "symptom"?

My favorite "When Harry Met Sally" movie quote:

Jess: Marriages don't break up on account of infidelity. It's just a symptom that something else is wrong.
Harry Burns: Oh really? Well, that "symptom" is fucking my wife.

blakesteele posted 8/21/2013 02:20 AM

oh sistermilkshake...I so enjoy your posts!

I love that scene....Meg is taking the philosophical high road...and Billy is stating the blunt reality.

nekorb...I find the same thing odd....and I am surprisingly fine with this attitude. Don't get my wrong, it is surprising...maybe ironic? But, as I go through this I am understanding my wife like never before. I see the coping mechanism within her that made an A not only possible but actually probable. It is this same coping mechanism that leads me to kind of the same point you are at....that our WS really don't grasp what is being offered to them. Maybe a more accurate way to describe this is that they don't see the situation in the same light as we do?

Let me try to explain...

Conflict avoiders cope by avoiding conflict. The fact that our WS are unable to fully commit to R is a natural mode for them....that would mean fully committing to a long duration conflict. What we see as an opportunity to make amends they MAY see as a sentence to more conflict...which is NOT a blessing to them, but a curse.

I don't think they are necessarily being mean or hurtful regarding this action...I think they really ARE fence sitting...thinking and rethinking if they ever loved us in a sustainable way, looking at the many times they were NOT happy or comfortable in our marriages. I wonder if conflict avoiders would ever be content and comfortable in a long term relationship...because conflict is an unavoidable part of a relationship. By letting little things go so as not to endure any conflict...they will eventually feel overwhelmed by the feelings generated by years of avoiding conflict...and repeat the stepping-out pattern again. (to be sure, if I don't want to repeat my unhealthy patterns I must change my poor coping mechanisms as well...this is why it is also true that D does not solve problems. If you don't change within yourself you will simply repeat your pattern with the next person X amount of time down that path).

In my opinion they are subconsciously building a case to avoid further conflict by laying the groundwork to say....You know what, I never really loved you like I should have...its just not meant to be.

I am fine with this now...wasn't always...but am now. I am now because for the past 11 months I have been immersed in infidelity and coping mechanisms. It is clear to me that unless strong changes are made with regards to both of our childhood-established coping mechanisms (my fear of abandonment and her conflict avoidance and need suppression) we stand exactly zero chance of R our marriage.

I believe my wife is processing as best she can, I am doing the same thing...and suspect you and your husband are too.

The simple fact is the best we can may not be enough to save our marriages. It could prove to tough and too painful to actually do.

We can only control ourselves...truer words have not been spoken.

11 months in and I can tell you I have seen real change in me. I have more to work on and have no doubt that I will continue to work on them. I am doing this for myself and for those who I have and will choose to have a relationships with. I pray my M will R. I also know it is not all up to me.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 2:28 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)]

jjct posted 8/21/2013 04:09 AM

But I can't help it. I love him.

Thousands of us hoist ourselves on this petard.
Such 'suffering for the sake of love' is not healthy.

I can't help it is a statement of powerlessness.
Yes. You. Can. "help it".

By loving yourself.

blakesteele posted 8/21/2013 06:20 AM

jjct....also speaks the truth.

What led my wife to her affair was NOT how we interacted in our marriage is something within her that was established early on....loooonnnnggg before she met me.

After $3-4k in counseling and reading 20 plus books....I know this to be fact now.

Yes, others on here have told me early on it was not about me....hell, even my wife told me that early on!

Please do what you need to to arrive at this fact. I am thick headed and have control it took me a while to 100% believe this. So I don't expect you to change your perspective by reading my post to you, or jjct or any other member.

But, there will be a time in your future when you too will arrive at this understanding.

I hope your WH is not playing into this natural but wrong perspective you have.

My wifes AP totally made his wife feel 100% responsible for his actions (I met her for a brief 15 minute conversation to relay what I knew of the affair andh and over the emails and cell phone bills that substantiate what I was relaying to her)....he wasn't getting attention at home, he didn't have sex as often as he desired it, she worked all the time leaving him to take care of their 5 kids...blah blah blah.....

Stuff right out of a non-remorseful, non-repentant WS play book.

It was sad to witness and still makes me sad. I wanted to comfort her...but that was not my role. Plus, the type of comfort see will seek, and what I sought, and what you are looking for comes from within. How one finds it differs.

If he is doing any of that please search the Healing Library and read up on 180.

God be with you both. This is tough stuff and not for the faint of heart.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:22 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)]

nekorb posted 8/21/2013 06:37 AM

Thanks everyone.

After a long day of bombarding him with long, heartfelt texts...which as the day went on I thought to myself, this is not helpful....he said, "you know - I can't deal with all that. It isn't helping your case for me wanting to be with you.

So - I've decided I need to look to those who have walked before me and embrace, in baby steps, the 180.

the reality is though, that his unhappiness in our marriage had a lot to do with me...and him...unresolved issues...its like he cant focus on anything except what was going wrong in the marriage and completely ignores all the great stuff we had going on, which is what was sustaining ME.

I do love him. I don't want to stop loving him - I want my marriage back. I don't want to put my children through a divorce - I've been through that as a child and 35 years later still talk about it in therapy....and my parents did not have a nasty divorce either....

I'm hoping that if nothing else, the idea of damaging his relationship with the children will snap him out of it and get him moving toward me and our marriage again.

Thanks for the feedback.

I'm so sad.

blakesteele posted 8/21/2013 10:08 AM


Peace of God be with you.

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