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Newest Member: timeheals (61501)

User Topic: help with holding conflicting emotions
♀ 39543
Member # 39543
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm hoping you all can help me figure out how to deal with this very confusing new phase.

I am so appreciative of the hard work my WH is doing to learn about himself, to take care of me, to love me fully and to show me how remorseful he is feeling. We are both working hard to learn and our MC is going really well.

But sometimes I just get so angry again, so hurt, so depressed, and so unsure I even want to continue with him. I feel bad for feeling angry about something he feels terrible about and is now working so hard to address. It doesn't feel fair to express my anger, and it feels like I am holding it against him now!

I'm struggling with these conflicting emotions. Love, warmth, caring, compassion for FOO issues alongside anger, hurt, dismissiveness, detachment.

I'm guessing this is normal, but how are you all managing it? How do you continue to express anger at someone who is so sorry, and who clearly is so much happier now that he is being honest?

M 1989
3 young adult kids
D-Day 4.13.13
WS (him): 7 OW over 15 years
BS (me): had no clue

Posts: 107 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
♀ 39709
Member # 39709
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I had some great advice for you, but I'm in the same boat. I scheduled another IC appt. If I don't let this anger out it will force its way out. I don't want to do that to my WH. He's doing so good supporting me!

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 30396
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found IC was very helpful. I was conflicted with wanting R and not wanting R. My Mother died then my H had his A, shortly after that I lost my job, we had to move and lost my support system. I found that I had so many conflicting emotions I couldn't heal from one because the other was too closely connected. IC was very helpful to aid me in sorting them out and figuring out how to deal with them.

When I was not in IC (for a period between jobs and moving) I would try to identify my feelings and explain them to him. We did set up time limits for the conversations so it wasn't always about beating him up. When we talked, we would face each other on the couch, touch each other's hand. That was our "gauge" as to what was going on....if someone pulled away during the "conversation" we knew we needed to discuss that topic more in depth. It was a do-it yourself approach, but we were both invested and did it. Did we make mistakes, yep...but at the time, that is what we could afford. It was better than ignoring the issue.

Try to talk and set up "rules" for the conversation. It could be very helpful.

Me-54 BS
Him 61-WS
Married 34 yrs, together 37
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1962 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
♀ 40281
Member # 40281
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear learning,

I've been posting and wondering the same exact thing. Like the others, I'm starting IC tomorrow morning because I'm feeling like I'm insane the way my moods will drastically shift. Have you tried it? I asked others who have tried & got all positive feedback.

I am BS- 38
He is WS- 35
D-Day 10/26/12
NC 10/26/12
Married 6/11/11
In sometimes rocky R

Posts: 7 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: East Coast
♀ 39543
Member # 39543
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all. Yes, I am in IC since the Dday and it does help. After reading your kind replies I realized that it's ridiculous to spare him the feelings that his actions created. Furthermore, he has "known" about all this since it began in 1998 and I'm still trying to process 15 years' worth of infidelities in only 4 months. When I started to think about it that way, it helped me give myself permission to still feel a lot of anger alongside the good feelings of our work on R.

This is so hard! I am grateful for all of you, and so sorry you must be with me on this terrible journey.

M 1989
3 young adult kids
D-Day 4.13.13
WS (him): 7 OW over 15 years
BS (me): had no clue

Posts: 107 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 5

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