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BeautifulEmpty posted 8/20/2013 18:47 PM

I finally asked all the whys, wheres and whatnot.
We are a year out and getting to asking those questions was hard for me as in some ways, I was afraid of the answers.
I'm glad I have it in writing as I'm pretty sure I'll need to read it over and over again.
The level of confusion and conflict is palpable in his responses. The pain over his behavior is obvious and the level of abject deceit on the OW's part is insane. Like, literally...insane.
I know what it feels like to be carried away in the feelings of freedom and new relationship energy but I also know by now how short lived and unreal all that stuff is once real life intrudes. As I put all the last pieces of the puzzle together, I can see that real life started wrecking havoc pretty quickly for him. It hurts that he got hurt so bad but I know it was exactly what he needed to stop his long term foolishness.
I get angry because I was the only one who deserved to cause him pain over his misdeeds but I didn't get to. She had to cause the that he could see who she was.
I have to take the high road and it hurts. It leaves me in a place of self righteousness which I hate. Like, yay me for being the 'good' one...when I know good and well that if I'd been bad right along with him, I'd not hurt so bad because the wounds would be spread around more evenly. Or something like that.
On the other hand, I've been bad right along with him many times before and I still got hurt plus it fed his personal tornado of boundary-less selfishness. confusing. I just wish we had come out on the high road together rather than me standing up here waiting for him to be worthy enough to stand beside me again. It's crap.
I hate that our personal magic was erased in my eyes and now, I must decide if I want to find it again or try to continue on without its constant presence. Do I look at him and see only a man? Or do I allow myself to see the wild beastboy I always loved?
I just try to hold to allowing the magic back as it comes but knowing that if anything goes haywire again, he will see the side of me that so many others have experienced though they have hurt me far less. It's ruthless, cutting and seeming without second thought or mercy.
I have my game plan but I hate having to keep it ever in reserve. I guess it's just part of growing up. I saw a post somewhere that read 'the first 40 years of childhood are the hardest' and I'm inclined to agree. Heh

kiki1 posted 8/20/2013 22:01 PM


I understand, I think.

Wh's first ow dumped him. It bothers me that another women did that to him and that he felt it.

From her, not me.

sucks, I know.

LOL, I hear ya on the 40 years.

blakesteele posted 8/21/2013 01:54 AM

Well stated beautifulempty...

I remember seeing the pain in my wife as her AP dumped her. I also remember observing the insane nature of her affair....the deceit that was achieved by both of them, the insane thought that what they shared was something so special, so worth the sacrifice that they continued to engage in adultery.

I also have the desire to take the low road and have felt self righteous taking the high road...even though I got there by default. I, too, have been bad right along side her as well.

My wife has failed to grant my request to draft a written statement regarding her affair. I can see how it could be therapeutic to read and re-read that.

The abject tiredness is awe-inspiring...not really sure how I keep my job at times. But God gives us what we need to survive...and that must be the reason behind this.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 1:56 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)]

BeautifulEmpty posted 8/25/2013 00:26 AM

You know Blake...I totally hear you about the uniqueness and specialness of their super awesome uber love bs....I know it well.
But we know better, you and I (and all of SI) need only to read a small handful of threads here to quickly discover that there is nothing special, unique or cool about the exact same philandering crap festival that so many WS have put their BS through. So unspecial and freakishly MUNDANE that any seasoned SI BS can predict with a seemingly psychic level of accuracy just when the ILYBINILWY speech will occur and it's like, what the flaming hell is wrong with you? Can you not see that you are being so unworthy of the actual specialness of OUR relationship? Ugh...why is your wife not getting you a written statement? This would bother me but again, I don't know why she's not doing that for you so I'm not casting judgement, just curious.

Mack25 posted 8/25/2013 10:33 AM

I'm glad I have it in writing as I'm pretty sure I'll need to read it over and over again.

Can you tell me more about this letter? I'm thinking of having my WW do this so that I can refer to it and hopefully decrease my obsessing.

BeautifulEmpty posted 8/25/2013 18:03 PM

Hi Mack...

He has troubles remembering things. It's a long term problem, not just during the A so I wrote him a timeline according to what I was experiencing during the whole thing because I'd done a lot of writing during that period. I then asked him when everything happened, where it happened (ow liked to tell me that the last time was in my house, on my bed), why it happened (how, considering our history, could he ave thought for one moment it would turn out okay), and when and why it stopped.
I asked about when was he planning on telling me or was he even planning to tell at all. Ow outted him so that's why I asked.
Then he could look through my line of what was going on and fill in the blanks, which he did.
I told him that I know he hides behind not remembering but I hoped he would really use my timeline to jog his memory so that I could forget. I remember every day.
So...that's what it looks like. I know he does struggle with memory, our daughter does too and has been heavily evaluated for it. He isn't faking it entirely but he does hide behind it out of habit.
I hope that helps and gives some ideas for your situation.
I had a complete meltdown the other night and was yelling about how shitty it is that he chose to destroy my image of him and us for someone he can't even remember her last name anymore :/

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