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Smileemptysoul posted 8/20/2013 20:31 PM

That's what I feel like right now. It's been two weeks since DDay and there has been the expected roller coaster of emotions. There have been good days, a few very bad days, lots of communicating and sharing of information and even a healthy dose of hysterical bonding. We have started MC and I have my first IC session later on this week.

I feel now though that the long and hard grind to hopeful R has begun and I have to admit to feeling very lost. The anger and continued questioning from my BW is understandable and warranted. The problem that I am having, is I honestly don't know what to do or say in order to become engaged with her. Am I just supposed to sit there and let her verbally attack me and not offer anything back? Anything that I say is not to be believed and the answers that she seeks only seems to infuriate her further when I give them. I am being honest and open and not withholding...that would be a death sentence right now and I am done with the lies.

I know that everything is still fresh and we are both still trying to process everything. I want to be part of the conversation...I want to be part of the solution. But I honestly don't know what I should be saying or doing to help facilitate that right now as it seems that nothing is helping right now and what I am saying and doing only seems to be making things worse.

Help!!

Sam793 posted 8/20/2013 20:49 PM

There is nothing you can say or do specifically. Keep doing what you are. This is all new to you and these bouts of anger will continue until your BS can deal with them. If you're doing what you say you are doing then keep doing it! The anger will eventually subside.

NoGoodUsername posted 8/20/2013 20:52 PM

I understand how you feel. I'm about five weeks out from D day and sometimes her hurt and anger, the incessant questions, all of the pain, hit like a force of nature.
I don't have any solutions for you. Be there for her and answer what you can. Let her know that you are sorry for the hurt that you did to her.

Make damn sure that you have told her everything. Not accusing you of anything, just sharing my own foolishness. I TT'd for a month and that made it ever so much worse in the end. Lying poisons the process.

She doesn't get to abuse you, but she's as hurt as she ever has been. Hysteria, anger and wild emotional swings are actually a healthy reaction to what we have done to our partners. You both have to work through it and there are no guarantees.

Good luck and strength to you.

1DumbHusband posted 8/20/2013 21:10 PM

Smile! It's a good name and something you should strive for. I am 8 weeks out from DDay. My poor BW is still reeling and in so much pain from my betrayal. My only words of wisdom are to let her speak her mind, comfort her (hold her) when she lets you, and always be remorseful and honest. I also TT'd over the past couple of weeks and I can also say that it is not productive. My wife and I had a good talk yesterday where I told her everything I remembered to the best that I could. The roller coaster continues as she determines whether R is possible for us. As for me, I try to do something every day to show her I am making permanent changes in our relationship to show her she has 100% of my love and attention. Tonight, she had to work late. So I went grocery shopping, fixed dinner for the kids and her, and had it waiting when she arrived at home. While she ate, I bathed the baby and got him ready for bed. I know it's not much, but I want her to have a little less stress when she comes home so that she has time to herself to read, study, or whatever she wants. Find new ways to show your wife you're truly remorseful and willing to change (and make the changes permanent!)

Smileemptysoul posted 8/20/2013 21:58 PM

Thanks everybody for the replies. From everything that I've read and what people have shared, it sounds like this is normal. But I just feel so friggin' useless. I've hurt her so much already and want to be engaged and feel like I'm making a difference with my words and actions. I guess it's just going to take time and I'm going to have to accept that. In the meantime, I have to be supportive in every way that I know how. And even that has been a bit of a struggle too. I've been so selfish and self-centred for so long, that I'm almost at a loss for how to even be supportive right now. How fucking sad is that? God...what have I done?

1DumbHusband posted 8/20/2013 23:59 PM

I try to find new ways of showing/expressing love for my BS. I ask her what I can do but she says she doesn't know right now what I can do. So be prepared for that answer if you ask the question "what can I do to help". Just keep trying and do whatever you can think of.

TimeToManUp posted 8/21/2013 09:53 AM

SES-

Remember what I said about the tsunami? Well, at this point, the floodwaters from the first one have likely not even begun to recede yet. Don't be tricked into complacency by the fact that you have some good days. There are a LOT of bad, some VERY bad, days t come yet. Just keep being open and honest. It feels strange to quote a Sci-Fi movie here, but in Men in Black III, they say "The most bitter truth hurts much less than the sweetest lie." Every answer you give, answer honestly and FULLY (no lies of omission). It will hurt her, because it SHOULD. But it will pass... eventually. As usual, easier said than done. All of the advice and support you receive here is written in the blood of those who have lived through it before you. But keep on the path and you have a chance. Stay strong.