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WS on trip for 5 days I'm all over the board here...Nuts

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heathenchristian posted 8/20/2013 22:17 PM

He hasn't even been gone a day yet and I am going crazy trying to find things to bust him on.

I downloaded what I could from our wireless provider on texts and phone calls.

There have been none from OW in the past 1 1/2 months. That's good right?

However she still works at the same company. Of course he did change his hours so they work separate shifts, but at the end of his there is a chance he can run into her.

Last night we were up for ever it seemed. He said one thing bothered him about me. I guess when OW and he would have lunch at work together she would warm up their food and even if he was late getting there she wouldn't touch any of the food. He said it was like she respected him to wait for him to come to eat.
I wanted to lash out about her respecting him....lmao. She is married and is now screwing someone else from work. He knows she used him. However he still seems to be hurt by it. Will that ever end? He did mention he didn't like to talk about her or the A.

We start MC the day after he gets back from his trip.
He is with his brothers, nephew and an uncle. I really have no need to worry about it. He's actually worried it's going to be so boring that he's gonna get depressed.

He has been more attentive yet still distant. I told him last night that I still want to slap and punch and kick him but that I've decided to act with love and respect and express my feelings verbally in a non combative way.

I did ask him last week if he would start wearing his wedding ring again. He took it off about 3 1/2 yrs ago when our last MC went south. He said he really wasn't ready to wear it, but decided to wear it and he even had me bring it to him one day because he forgot to put it on before work.

I am boiling with anxiety I think. I don't know what to do and how to do it.

We've been sexual, so that is not lacking. I however at times want to retreat, but I really want the sex.

Do I ask him if there is other stuff that maybe she did that I didn't/don't (non sexual) do that makes him feel good about himself? I had been terrible about it in the past.
I heard the song "Cold as Ice" by Foreigner and I was like that is me and almost busted out in tears at work.

I don't want to be that person anymore. I know I was horrible.

I am beside myself with anger, hurt, emotions from one extreme to the next.
Not sure how I am going to be the next 5 days. I don't want to be negative or fall back into depression.

He was talking with some guys who've done MC and they told him the MC doesn't tell or give them advice as what to do. He's like what's the point then?
Any thoughts on that?

kiki1 posted 8/20/2013 22:23 PM


Deep breaths, let it out slow.

Wow, I understand your anxiety. I dont know what I would do, other than trying to keep myself calm.

Your right, he's with his family, it should be low key. You have his phone.

You cant change what happens, dont let it torture you.

Dont blame yourself, please. There is never a reason to cheat. I firmly believe that it isnt about what the cheater isnt getting, its about what they're not giving.

It wasn't what you did or didnt do.

As for the MC, he wont know what the point is unless he gets there himself.

Good Luck,,,,,,

heathenchristian posted 8/20/2013 23:30 PM

Yes I know he made the decision to step outside the marriage.

I feel a little calmer now.

I still have 5 days to go. UGH

homewrecked2011 posted 8/20/2013 23:40 PM

He was talking with some guys who've done MC and they told him the MC doesn't tell or give them advice as what to do. He's like what's the point then?
Any thoughts on that?

I'd say just take it slow and really watch his actions to you. It might take him a little while to come out of the fog. His denial (or whatever is wrong with him) is telling him he doesn't need MC. As a condition of R I told my WS he had to go for 6 months. At first he said no and left. Then he went for just a short time. But during that time he learned alot, as his family never taught him respect, communication, how to think of others feelings, etc.

Plus, it puts another set of eyes on the issues and holds him accountable at weekly sessions. Our marriage counselor DID tell him some stuff to do right away and was able to get thru to him.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 11:41 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

babbs posted 8/21/2013 00:51 AM

WW here.... I wanted to say that the time he spends apart from you will actually be good for him. He will have a lot to think about and it may surprise you what he has to say about the "trip" when he gets back. After DDAY and H throwing me out I was alone and it was horrible.. I had a lot to think about and in hindsight it was good he did that as it opened my eyes to all the pain I had caused my H. Keep yourself busy :) good luck

TheRealDeal posted 8/21/2013 08:14 AM

He was talking with some guys who've done MC and they told him the MC doesn't tell or give them advice as what to do. He's like what's the point then?

I don't have experience with MC but I do know that when I started my IC, I had never been to one before. I somewhat thought I'd walk in, tell him what was going on, and he'd give me a list of things "to do" and I'd be on my way after a few sessions. I now know that was extremely nave of me but I had no idea what it actually meant to go to IC.

In reality, what I've come to learn is that no MC or IC is going to tell you "what to do". Instead, they are there to act as a guide and provide insight of what could be improved and how to find the answers yourself.

the answers can only be found within the individual seeking IC or MC. There is no shortcut.

In other words, the "what to do" list can't be given by the therapist, it is up to the person to find those answers in themselves. That is a personal responsibility, not something that can be laid at the feet of the MC or IC.

ETA: and if you aren't comfortable opening up with the first MC or IC, or if their guidance doesn't seem "right to you", then definitely a different one should be found. Not all MC/IC are created equal. luckily my first IC is awesome; he was a BS in his first marriage so he understands

[This message edited by TheRealDeal at 8:20 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)]

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