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Taurus517 posted 8/20/2013 22:21 PM

currently just want to vent, dont need no answers. I feel like absolute shit !!! I cant seem to do this right. I understand that what I say now is unbelievable. Every question I answer, seems to make the situation worst because its something new and it causes her to get angry, sad, depressed, and hurt. I have been reading post after post and this is the norm but its so hard to handle because I'm the one causing this. I just want to make her smile again and I seem to keep pushing her into more depression and anger. I cant even pull myself back from this shit I created so how do I pull her back as well. Currently I want to help but it seems like she wants to be left alone and with me around I'm the biggest trigger. I FEEL LIKE SHIT !!! I just feel horrible right now that I cant do anything to make it any better.

trytoforgive posted 8/20/2013 22:27 PM

Taurus, Didn't your wife very recently cheat on you? Nothing- and I mean nothing- excuses what you have done.

Do you need to heal a little bit from her betrayal as well? Are you dealing with that at all?

MCJLM posted 8/20/2013 22:47 PM

I can only respond with I know exactly how you feel. My spouse told me that he has detached and to work on fixing myself. After all is said and done, he doesn't feel safe with me. So it doesn't really matter that I feel like I've cleaned up a lot of brokenness in myself and feel stronger. And no doubt I have a ways to go. However, It's not resonating with him, so I live in the same world you do. My choices are either to feel sorry for myself and say that I fear he will never see the good in me (which I've actually said tonight), or go back to the drawing board of me and figure out what more I can do. I'm choosing to figure me out in hopes to make him feel safe again. And I can only hope as he sees more positive changes in me and he feels safe, he may want to be around me more.
All in all, this really sucks.

Taurus517 posted 8/20/2013 22:58 PM

@trytoforgive yes and no I havent dealt with it. I felt I deserved that and it is my actions that pushed her to that point. I still am finding myself and to be better than what I was, but I know what I did and my main focus is her and want to fix us. What she did is small compared to what I did, so I dont feel like I need the time to heal from that because what goes around comes around.

@MCJLM again I can relate very much to what you are going through as well. I'm not safe anymore and I dont know what I can do to get that back. I know I will start going back to IC to find some help and still continue to do better and continue to try.

trytoforgive posted 8/20/2013 23:22 PM

A wise old SI veteran once said that all affairs are "revenge" affairs. Revenge for a shitty marriage... Revenge for what a WS isn't feeling at home, getting at home... Revenge for a shitty childhood... Whatever. It's revenge in the mind of the wayward for a wrong that has been done them- real or imagined.

I understand that you think that you deserve whatever comes to you. And I can get on that page with you because I remember feeling that way... and then I didn't anymore. but believe me when I tell you that the anger will come. Because now you are just 2 people with shitty coping mechanisms trying to sift through all the shit that you have done to each other.

Healing her is important. Healing yourself is much much more imperative. From your choices and actions- and hers.

[This message edited by trytoforgive at 12:03 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)]

Taurus517 posted 8/22/2013 20:55 PM

@trytoforgive thank you and I guess healing myself and forgiving myself will be beneficial. Its just after conversations I end up feeling like shit and everything I did and do now is always going to be just that bad.

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