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LadyQ posted 8/20/2013 22:23 PM

Come to find out, my middle child (16 yo girl) has figured out why I kicked her dad out. She also figure out he had a girlfriend (saw something on Facebook), but when she asked him about it, he lied to her. So, now that he's introduced the twat waffle, my dd is devastated. She hates what her dad has become, she is worried that he's trying to "replace" me. I will call the counselor in the am, but I'm just at a loss. The timing of her discovery coincides with her nasty change in attitude. I've tried to reassure that I still love her, and that I'm not replaceable (I mean let's face it, who could possibly measure up to my level of awesomeness, right?). But it hurts to see her so upset and know there's nothing I can do. As much as I wanted the world to know what an asshole the x is, I want to save my kids from that pain...

Phoenix1 posted 8/20/2013 22:46 PM

My youngest, DD16, knows why her POS father left as well. The POS has not owned up to it to my girls and outright lied to our DS20, which infuriated me. DD16 wants nothing to do with her father and is completely disgusted by his behavior (as are the older two). On the surface she is handling it well, but she has had a couple of meltdowns and I know she is hurting. I just keep reassuring her that I am here for her and we will get thru this together. There is not much more I can do and I hate that POS for doing this to them. I am hoping the dreaded "time" with my relentless support will see her thru. It is hard to deal with in addition to typical teen angst, and the fucktwit gets to walk away and not have to deal with it or see the pain of abandonment and anger in their eyes.

Just keep trying to be her rock and give her unwavering support while she processes the emotional devastation. Encourage her to talk if she needs to so it doesn't get bottled up inside.

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 1:10 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)]

Chrysalis123 posted 8/21/2013 08:06 AM

Good idea contacting the counselor. If I were you I would answer her questions honestly.

SeanFLA posted 8/21/2013 10:00 AM

I have a 13 year old and one day I'm waiting for the question..."Dad what happened between you and Mom?" Ugh.

My psychiatrist suggested how I should answer this if it ever presents itself (which one day he said it will). He said..."Son that's a good question and I knew one day you would ask me. I think that's a better question to directly ask your mom. Then come back and tell me what she told you and we can talk about it more."

He said this way the weight is on her shoulders to explain her actions. This still remains a consequence of her actions and she is responsible for them, not you. Infidelity does not go away after two years or five years, etc. It haunts a family and a child their whole lives. This way if he comes back with a wacky story from her or she doesn't come fully clean, you can then tell him EXACTLY what happened. He said in no way do you burden hiding it from him because if you do to try to protect him, it will only hurt him more down the road (like TT). Unfortunately it's going to be like Dday to him in a way too. I can't imagine finding out your mother isn't whom you thought she was. And that your Dad was in a horrible amount of pain and grief without her remorse. I couldn't imagine having to be in her shoes when she has to confess that to him.

Phoenix1 posted 8/21/2013 10:54 AM

If I were you I would answer her questions honestly.

This^^^^^. My DD16 told me numerous times how much she appreciated my honesty in answering her questions and how upset she would have been had I hid information for the purpose of protecting her.

why2008 posted 8/21/2013 11:05 AM

I wouldn't answer the questions completely honestly. My dad had an affair and since I was so mature for my age , by the time I was 14 or 15 I knew about everything. My father also died when I was 14, which made for a very difficult adolescence.

No matter what happens between parents, kids always blame themselves and I think that I carried a lot of the guilt and ownership of his cheating for a long time.

Talk to the counselor, assure her that his choices are his and nothing to do with her. SeanFLA is right... it does haunt a family forever, and as much as you want to make it better for her you can't... leave it up to him to explain his relationships or better yet use a counselor to help your daughter. It's too much to expect you to do everything here and based on my experience I would totally be very careful with what I told her.

[This message edited by why2008 at 11:07 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)]

Kajem posted 8/21/2013 11:32 AM

My kids know why the marriage ended. 10 years later, it doesn't really matter to them. What determines the relationship is how they were treated by him. His lies are coming back to haunt him and wreck havoc on his relationship with them. They have been given TT and lies by omission, manipulated etc.

After a couple of sessions with the kids therapist and his "I will do exactly what I want even if it goes against therapists advice AND causes pain to my kids" attitude. It opened the therapists eyes regarding telling the kids the truth WHEN they asked.

My kids know I will tell them the truth, even if it hurts me to do it. They've been lied to enough to last a lifetime .

Hugs,
K

dmari posted 8/21/2013 11:44 AM

My DD17 figured it out herself and was angry that I wasn't "honest" (withheld information) with her. At that point, I decided that I would be honest with whatever questions they had.

Telling her the truth is not the same as telling her your dads a complete asshole. What happened in my situation, the truth + stbx's actions/words towards the kids = they want nothing to do with him.

They both have their own therapist and are dealing with it as best they can. It is so hard to see them angry and hurt which makes stbx the world's largest asshole but continue to love her, support her, let her vent, let her cry. You said "I want to save my kids from that pain...", so true