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I get it now

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stupidgurl posted 8/21/2013 03:08 AM

I know that those of you who have read previous posts of mine know that I have blamed my H for my A. I have placed the blame of it on him because of his EA, porn addiction and the way he treated me over the years. Well I think I finally get it. His EA and my PA are two separate things!

I have been linking them, giving them a cause and effect relationship. Because he...EA, I ...PA. I was all wrong!

I think somewhere along the way I mistook explanation for justification. I was asked why. So I thought that the answer to why was to explain away what I did then that was that. NO. That was all wrong.

What he did to me may have played a role but the choice to be unfaithful to BH was all mine. Other people could have been treated the way I was and stayed faithful. Some people are treated just fine, and even exceptionally by their BS, but still cheat on their BS.

Why, really means why did I think it was ok to take it to a PA level. I remember when I first started talking to AP, I was watching tv and a talk show was on, the women and men on the show were saying that Affairs were common, that like 50% of all couples experience an extramarital affair and in some cases it had fixed the relationship. It did not convince me completely I was like "that is ridiculous" how could an affair fix a relationship? Fact 1- I am gullible, why would I listen to such bullshit!

Then I talked to a female friend of mine about it, and she encouraged that behavior. But I look back now, and her life is so fucked up! Fact 2- I had bad friends with bad advice, coupled with my gullibility.

Deep down inside I knew it was wrong to cheat on ones spouse. But I never thought about getting caught. I am the person who loves sweets, and would eat them endlessly if there was no consequence of getting fat and diabetic. Fact 3- I will do things I think I can get away with.

Fact 4- I am vengeful, when someone hurts me I want to get them back.

Fact 5- I play the victim card. I was always like "H did this to me, he is such a jerk" while he may very well be a jerk, I don't have to take his crap. I could have left. Why not leave? Because then I would no longer be his victim.

Final Fact- I am selfish. I thought about my needs. But what about my children's need to have an honorable mother. My husband's need to have a faithful wife he could trust. My own need to have dignity and be healthy inside and out.

I took the quick fix. A guy to make me feel "good", a way to get back at my H, yet a huge blow to my honor and integrity.

But I get it now. My life could be so great, but I need to make the right choices, for the right reasons and instead of being passive aggressive, to be assertive.

I have been on here the last few days, searching and wandering like a lost person heading in the wrong direction. It has been exhausting, but I am ready and so glad to finally head in the right direction.

I am sorry sweetie, I don't care if you never are sorry for what you have done, I am sorry for what I have done to this marriage and to you!

I am also sorry if I misled any others, I hope they can come to the right mindset eventually too.

[This message edited by stupidgurl at 3:13 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)]

EvolvingSoul posted 8/21/2013 04:18 AM

It sounds like you are making progress in learning about the true nature of infidelity and your preaffair issues. Untangling this stuff takes time and it doesn't always happen in a logical order. It does feel great when a shift like what your describing happens. Now your brain can build on it. What you might find is that you begin to reframe past events and choices in a way that is consistent with your new perspective. What you're doing is a really necessary process, I think, to make lasting changes to how we evaluate and make choices.

Good job! Don't stop.

stupidgurl posted 8/21/2013 05:25 AM

Untangling this stuff takes time

Thanks that is a perfect way to put it. I like that analogy :)

OK now posted 8/21/2013 07:28 AM

Great post; good intelligent reasoning coupled with a clear explanation as to why you did commit adultery and why it will never happen again. Compromising your honor and integrity; primarily an offense against yourself

It was so refreshing to read. Thank you.

tired girl posted 8/21/2013 08:34 AM

yet a huge blow to my honor and integrity

It is really good that you see this. Ultimately you betrayed yourself first, him and the M second. It will be that betrayal that will be the hardest to deal with. And your right, they have nothing to do with each other, I am glad you see that. Justification and blameshifting is so easy to do and allows us to not look at ourselves. I am glad to see that you are now doing the work of looking at your responsibility in this.

Good luck in your journey.

Kelany posted 8/21/2013 09:29 AM

As a BS this is very insightful.

My husband has given me many of the same reasons minus the revenge part since I never had an affair. But the other stuff is so similar. At first it was so hard for me to accept because didn't the reason have to make sense to make it "okay" to me? Fact is, it will never be okay and his reasons are what he did to justify it to himself. And I've realized he HAS dug deep to figure out why.

I think you're doing great!

uncertainone posted 8/21/2013 09:57 AM

Bravo. Huge huge huge realization! I know just how that feels. Took me six months and a wonderful member's consistent question. "but what about your choices?".

MissesJai posted 8/21/2013 12:53 PM

*applause* - you are on your way.

stupidgurl posted 8/21/2013 14:53 PM

Thanks guys! ((((applause))))

I used to get so mad at you guys like "WTF are you talking about I am explaining why I did, it!" and "Why would I think of myself and my own well being?" "How could it be my fault? Nothing is my fault?!"

But after really digging and really listening to what everyone has had to say on here both BS and WS. I finally got it, and kudos to you guys cuz I am one hard headed girl.

You guys really get it, I say bravo to you guys!

But of course you guys get it, you have been there!

This site has been so helpful, I know I hated it for the longest time for making me do some work on myself. But you were right, the work starts with ME. The blame lays on ME. The recovery process relies heavily on ME. It felt so counter intuitive but now it makes total sense. And really I am not making it about me, I am making it about living a better life, in which I take responsibility therefore I can control my actions.

Something to really teach the kids so they can make healthy choices in life.

I couldn't have done it without you guys though, and definitely not without my BH who brought me to this site in the first place.

[This message edited by stupidgurl at 2:54 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]

tired girl posted 8/21/2013 16:35 PM


It feels good to finally own our decisions doesn't it. Good for you

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