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11 years ago today, it all feels so bittersweet.

Last year, I was so innocent, never would have believed this possible, hell, I still can't believe this is possible.

I will try to be grateful that we have the opportunity for a marriage that I never new was possible. Will we get there? That remains to be seen.

We have the chance though and that is more than we had before.

This hurts, it hurts more than I ever knew existed. I have barely slept, the worst night since dday.

Nightmares, up every hour, night sweats! Haven't had that before.

Today h took off from work to spend with me, a nice surprise. We are going to the beach, he even suggested bringing a book for us to read together. Another surprise.

I bought a card, not the usual mushy, over the top, love you forever, just a simple "we belong together" I wrote a note, this is the hardest but I imagine how we can be sort of thing.

On Friday is the 1 year date of the beginning of his a.

I found a text I sent him on that day last year. "hi baby, where are you? You are just having way too much fun with that phone!"

We had just gotten new phones, he had just gotten an Iphone, we never texted before. He had started texting her on this day. Long phone conversation with her.

Such an innocent comment on my part. Rather prophetic.

All the things that I know now that I wish I didn't. All the days ahead that I have to get through.

I can't seem to help thinking, on this day last year...

The dates all seem burned into my brain. How is this possible? I never remember dates!

I look forward to the first day when I don't cry.

I know how you feel. Mine is this Friday. I don't feel a celebration of our "marriage" is in order.
My WH did a lot of texting to me while A was going on. I look at the texts now and realize what a two-faced jerk he was, keeping me on the hook so he could decide which one of us QUALIFIED for him.
Hard to feel good about an anniversary of that time.

Our 22 anniversary is Saturday. I'm nervous that its going to be a trigger fest. Me and my WH are 6 months out from DDay and doing well most days with R. We both really what this day for us. We both took the weekend off. Planned to go out of town, but low on funds. Good luck to us all!

Anniversaries are so hard because we feel that all the emotions we had before we found out were manipulated and not true.. because if they were true then they wouldn't have cheated and done the things they did....
My anniversary is just a down day for me also.... just like the anniversary of our first date.... the whole month of December (dday month)... February.... hell... I think every day is rough.
Try to make the best of it... most of the time I just try to make it through the day... and they can be good days spent together..... as hard as it is I really do like spending the day with my H... seems contrary... but that's the way life is for many of us now.

Our 11th is just around the corner and I simply don't know what I'll do. I can't see myself celebrating it all because in my mind how can I celebrate vows that he shattered?

My d-day was about two months after our 10th anniversary, so our first anniversary post d-day was our 11th, just like yours.

I remember having a hard time picking out a card as well, and struggling with what to write.

We played it very low-key that day, and things turned out okay.

Sorry to hear you are hurting. I hope your husband makes this day special for you in a gentle way that helps with your healing.

Take care.

I haven't hit our 14th anniversary but i have told my wife already that May 1st doesn't exist anymore; that the 3 month affair negates the years marriage and no recognition is necessary. I said its like a rug that a cats pissed on. You don't sew in a patch you replace the whole goddamn thing.

Of all the things I have said post affiair, this seems to hurt her the most. I think thats a sign how the WS is effective at the pathologic act of mental compartmentalization that allowed affair in the first place.

Anybody else in R refuse to recognize their wedding date?

My 17 th anniversary is coming up in 5 days. Have been feeling so low all week and not sleeping. I didnt want to write or receive a card or gifts this year. He used to always write a few lines in a card and laughed that I was always so disorganised and quickly scribbled something at the last minute. I kept some of my cards, reading them now fills me with pain. Feels a farce to celebrate it this of all years when he completely forgot what our vows meant. We took our rings off soon after DDay too, lot of work and time needs to pass before 'celebrating' again.

Rattus2000, I am with you. Our wedding itself seems like a huge $25K joke. I don't want to "celebrate" the day he stood before God, my family and my closest friends and promised lifetime faithfulness. The ring represents a broken promise (which is why I will never wear it again, even if it is a family heirloom), and the date is now a day of mourning. I will be mourning the death of our marriage, not celebrating the birth of it.

For me, it all has to be new. I have to force myself to look at our new life as if we didn't have a history (which is hard after 14 years of marriage) because it is frankly too sad.

Last year our wedding anniversary was only 8 weeks after D-Day, and we tried to go to lunch (rather than a formal dinner) and I ended up storming out of the restaurant without him.

In my mind, the symbolic part of our marriage (the ceremony, the vows, the rings) is dead. It doesn't exist. The only thing left is the legal status. Maybe we'll renew our vows someday and have a new date to celebrate.

[This message edited by SmallButStrong at 10:31 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]