(((cantaccept)))
Man, I seem to really relate to you right now.
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=505455&HL=38044
is a link to forgiving yourself. It is a link from me but refers to Janis Springs book....so there is actual useful information within this post.
This is serious trauma.
I have read 20 plus books on infidelity, adultery, betrayal of this nature.
I have read personal accounts of people who were held in concentration camps during the war...later, their spouse cheated on them....by their own admission that betrayal was more traumatic then the camp. This tells you it is traumatic.
I have also read about people who have lost loved ones to cancer, spouses were alcoholics, people who have lost children, been raped, gone bankrupt...lots of really tough trials......and those have said adultery within their marriage was by far the most traumatic event of their lives.
My point is this trauma is real.
WS, I believe, simply cant comprehend this. Because, while they understand our experience of the A is different, in their mind they just were not traumatized by their actions. I think the key being it was their actions....it was a choice they made. We had no choice.
The trauma is made worse if your WS was slow to repent....continued lying, continued the affair, minimized our marriage, etc..
I have not been diagnosed with PTSD, but have uncovered that I do have PTSD tendencies. I think there is some sort of qualitative threshold to have full blown PTSD.
I am struggling with getting through each day. Sleep disturbance, nightmares, waking too soon and repeatedly through the night, not eating well still, intrusive thoughts, panic attacks, avoidance of places and situations, isolating myself.
I think I need help. I will talk to Ic this week.
Yep, I have this too. Once I recognized them for what they are I am taking steps to address them.
Example. Avoidance of places and situations. Everyday on the way to work I drive under the overpass that led to my wifes APs abandoned house in the country...where the sex took place. I decided early on that this was a trigger I will take head-on. I would drive out to this house...sit in the drive...look at the room I knew they had sex in, let my imagination run wild....I would cry, scream and carry on. Each time I did this it felt better. Now I still cry when I see this house...but the anger has faded....a deep sadness that is beyond words has crept in.
If anyone doubts this is not traumatic, is not related to PTSD...I would invite them into my world for just one drive out to this place.
PTSD-like tendencies are keeping me from walking my girls to school or picking them up. Something I liked to do occasionally. But I trigger hard when I see my wifes AP dropping his kids off. They would drop their kids off then out to the country to satisfy their lust.
A bright note on this trigger is that coming home from work last night I saw him in his truck at the stoplight...his son with him in the front seat of the truck. My initial reaction was not RAGE...it was a disgust....a disgust that almost made me vomit.
I say this is a bright side because I have also learned anger is a secondary emotion....something always under anger to make anger happen. I am not sure where disgust of this level comes from...but it might be a primary emotion.
Once I have identified the primary emotions under my reactions I am able to deal with the trigger effectively.
I am 11 months out.
Again, it seems you cant post something that I don't immediately resonate with.
God be with us all.