"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

noglamour posted 8/21/2013 06:44 AM

3 weeks ago my wife found out that I had been having conversations with women. Mainly through IM, email and texting. It started in 2006 for a few months and stopped. Then I started doing it again around Nov 12 - May 13.

My wife says that I crossed her line and this it for her.

I have done some other things in the past that have hurt her and did not communicate with her.

We have been married for 9 years and have a 6 year old son.

She is really angry with me and says she does not want to save our marriage. She just wants to forget me. It comes and goes. We are able to "get along" when we are doing things with my son. But when he is not around, in be a roller coaster.

I want to save my marriage and taken ownership of this and I keep apologizing.

She doesn't want to save the marriage, she doesn't want go to therapy with me.

I have been to a marriage counselor 2 times, but I'm not sure how much it will help since she does not want to go.

I have not been in living in our house for the past 2 weeks. We have a successful business and I have been staying there on an air mattress. I still go to our house every couple days to see our son, take a shower etc.

I cannot stay at our business forever, and I feel this is something that will take time.

I'm thinking about renting a house in our neighborhood so I can still be close to my son.

She stopped wearing her wedding rings and now we are in the process of having the utilities put into her name and separating expenses.

Am I doing anything right?
What am I doing wrong?
What else should I be doing?

authenticnow posted 8/21/2013 07:09 AM

Hi Noglamour,

Welcome to SI.

Does your BW know the whole truth or is there more? She is hurt and frustrated right now and in self preservation mode.

Not sure if that will change but maybe she needs time. For some, infidelity is a dealbreaker.

Have you been to IC to work on your own issues and why you chose to cheat on your wife for all these years? Right now you need to work on fixing yourself. You can't control her actions, only your own.

Good luck and keep posting. You will find a lot of support here.

AN

noglamour posted 8/21/2013 07:39 AM

At first I lied about it, but she was able to get access to my yahoo account and see the conversation history.

I came clean and told her everything and have been answering her questions honestly.

I have gone to IC twice. She is a MC. Can I still see the MC?

I feel that I chatted with these women because I was not getting what I wanted from my wife sexually. It started when she was pregnant with our child.

It stopped for 6 years and started up again.

authenticnow posted 8/21/2013 07:53 AM

Right now IC is more important, IMO.

I feel that I chatted with these women because I was not getting what I wanted from my wife sexually. It started when she was pregnant with our child.

Dig deeper. This is blaming your wife. Not getting enough sex from your wife doesn't justify cheating. If that was your reason you need to figure out what made that okay for you in your mind. If you don't get what you think you need from your wife physically, emotionally, you go outside the marriage? Not okay. So...that's what you need to figure out.

You need to learn what to do when you get uncomfortable in a situation that aren't destructive.

Right now, related to saving your M, this all might be a non issue. The point is fixing you, no matter what the outcome is. And if you're lucky, your BW will see the work you're doing and reconsider her position on R.

noglamour posted 8/21/2013 08:40 AM

Thank you again for replaying back.

I will continue with IC.
How often? Every 2 weeks?

Trying to dig deeper.
I have addiction. I quit smoking cigs 1/2006, I quit drinking 3/2012

How do I figure out why? Could it be another form of addiction?

I should have communicated with my wife and told her what I thought I needed from our marriage as far sex and what satisfied my sexual desire.

tired girl posted 8/21/2013 09:43 AM

NG,

Welcome to SI.

Going deeper with what you did, why did you think it was ok to cross boundaries and go outside of your M to get what you needed from other women?

As waywards, there are usually thought processes that we use to justify doing what we do. These are the things that you will need to start to identify. How did you justify it to yourself that this was ok?

As AN said, this may be a dealbreaker for your W, being totally hones and not defensive with her will go a long way with her right now. Do not hold back details. Let her know what you are thinking in terms of renting a home. Talk to her, if this isn't what you want, let her know.

Good luck, stick around, this is a great place to figure out why you did this.

noglamour posted 8/21/2013 10:31 AM

Thank you tired girl.

Going deeper. I felt that is was sexually stimulating and I didnt think I would get caught.

Most of the conversation was "time passing" conversation while I was at work. There was sexual talk to. I did not have any feelings for this person.

I have been selfish and have done what I wanted and when I wanted. I did not communicate with her.

I didnt think I would get caught. I didn't justify it, I just did it.

She wants me to rent a home and get my stuff out of our house. She feels it will be easier for us to move on if things are separated.

tired girl posted 8/21/2013 10:41 AM

You mention twice in your post that you thought you wouldn't get caught.

Has that been an issue for you? Doing things that you knew were wrong but did them anyway because no one would catch you?

noglamour posted 8/21/2013 11:08 AM

Yes,it has been an issue.
When I think back at it, I don't understand what I was thinking at the time.

In 2006 I wanted to buy a house to fix up and flip.

I was able to a 2nd house with a hard money loan since I have good credit. I used the equity in our house to pay for the renovation costs.

I did not tell my wife I was going to do this. She found out a few days before I was getting ready to close on the house. I did not tell her I was going to do this because I knew felt she would say "NO" and it was something I wanted to do.

I was not able to sell the house and it is rented out now with negative cash flow each month. I wish I never did that.

uncertainone posted 8/21/2013 11:31 AM

I don't understand what I was thinking at the time.

Sure you do. You wanted to do something and didn't want to deal with opposition. Pretty normal. That's where things like morals, values, respect for other's and self comes into play. If you're weak in those areas that override is "just do it". Why do you think commercials have that as a catch phrase. Because it's a foreign concept? Nope.

If your sense of self isn't impacted by complete dismissal of how your desires and obtaining them risks pain and instability for a loved one not sure how you'd tackle this problem as it would always be forensic. Your acceptance of risk would prevail and consequences dealt with when and if they hit.

Is this who you want to be?

tired girl posted 8/21/2013 11:31 AM

These are the kinds of things that you need to be looking at.

The fact that you were or weren't getting enough sex at home has little to do with your decision to go outside of your M. You have betrayed yourself as well as your W and your M.

Taking a good hard look at the kinds of decisions and the thought processes you have always used is going to be the key to figuring out why you chose to do this. Then you can start to change those things and become a different person. Someone who would not betray himself and the people he loves.

noglamour posted 8/21/2013 11:51 AM

uncertainone,

Thank you, I'm trying to dig deeper and be honest with myself. You are right, I didnt want to deal the opposition.
I wanted to do what I wanted and when I wanted. I did not value her opinion and was being selfish.

I'm very that I'm very impacted and im trying to understand why I would do something like this to hurt someone I love with all my heart.

No, that is not where I want to be. I realize our M might be over. I want to be a better person for myself, wife and son.

tired girl,
I will need to spend some time trying to figure this out and make changes and to become a better person.
I'm lost as to what I should do now with my wife. Within the next 1 to 2 months, I will be renting a house in our neighborhood.
Should I be telling her everything about what is going in my life? She might not even care.