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Disgust...a new to me experience.

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blakesteele posted 8/21/2013 08:06 AM

Yesterday on the way home from work I came through the traffic light in town and my wifes fAP was in the turning lane, his son sitting next to him.

In times past I would anger, rage really upon seeing him.

Yesterday...I was filled with a new to me emotion....disgust.

Disgust to the point of almost vomitting.

Anyone go through this wierd experience?

As I researched "disgust" it appears some psyhcologist put it in the "primary" category...the same ones that put rage in the "secondary" category.

This is a good thing as I have learned through IC that primary emotions are where real work can be done...they are the cause....secondary emotions are the symptoms. You gain real growth through handling and processing primary emotions.

My next concern is that my experience has shown what I display towards my wifes fAP I eventually transfer it to my wife. I raged towards him, then it came to focus on my wife.

I sincerely would like to NOT repeat my mistakes of the past and try to minimize unnecessary damage to my marriage. Obviously, if I get to this level of disgust at the sight of my wife and not be able to process it or express it in a constructive way it will not be healthy.

Hoping someone on here has had a similar experience.

I am almost 1 year out from DD...sometimes timelines matter here.

Nightmares again last anger is still very much a part of me. Not at all saying I am done with anger and rage....just curious about this new to me emotion.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:07 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)]

LosferWords posted 8/21/2013 08:25 AM

I think disgust is a perfectly normal emotion in this situation, Blake.

Like you, most of my thoughts toward the OM have been of anger and rage.

I find it interesting that you mention you saw the OM with his son, and that's when you felt disgust.

The times when I have felt disgust toward OM is when I think about how he has mistreated his own children.

I honestly haven't done much more exploration into this emotion other than that, but wanted to let you know I can relate to you.

Take care.

rachelc posted 8/21/2013 08:31 AM

well, this is a cyclical thing for me, one I hope there's an answer to.
When I see my husband's fAPs I feel rage. Not at them, at him. I usually text him when I see them and then he tries to calm me down. What I want to do is strangle him.

Is this good? no.
do I mention it to him when I see them?? our MC says for me to do this and then he should offer a, "well that sucks." and then I handle it myself.
Fuck that. Yet, what else is there to do.

You speak about underlying emotions...primary ones. I suppose mine is hurt, hurt that he didn't think enough of me to tell me the truth. I'm worth more than that.

thanks for all your posts, blakesteele.

sable posted 8/21/2013 08:43 AM

I can totally relate to this. DD was about 2 1/2 months ago and the feeling of disgust is really what stops me in my tracks. It is what I talk most about. When I'm not sobbing my eyes out there is this overwhelming feeling of disgust, of grossiness, that is there. It feels like it is clawing at my heart and stomach. It physically hurts.

About a minute after my H admit he had sex with OW I ran to the bathroom and threw up. I feel waves of just nastiness on a daily basis, some days are more manageable than others. For me what really adds to the disgust is things like:

The mind movies.

Knowing that my H talked about me and our marriage with her.

That the OW proudly said she wanted to meet our child and he agreed.

That he made promises to a stranger that he *liked* - which included moving in with her and divorcing me - and in the beginning he felt more guilty not delivering on those promises than he did on breaking the marriage vows he made to me.

The fact that the OW claims she wants to "heal" others and preaches "kindness," "love," and "peace" to others on her FB page while knowing that she not only had sex with a married man but she pleaded with him to stay with her and abandon his family.

It is just those feeling of grossiness, thanks to the cruelty and selfishness of others, that I feel like I can't run from, in fact, I'm drowning in it. I can't imagine making those choices, one right after another, that I know will hurt and destroy another human being's heart and soul, someone that I claim to love no less. That is something that my heart and brain are struggling to come to terms with and I don't if I will ever be able to grasp it.

While I'm working on reconciliation, I wish I knew how to stop these feeling of disgust. I guess it come from the fact that my life is contaminated with sickness and brokeness.

[This message edited by sable at 9:05 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)]

blakesteele posted 8/21/2013 09:10 AM

You are welcome rachelc.

Hurt is a primary is what lies beneath my rage.

Early on I did not recognize that. Early on I thought my wife intentionally hurt me.

I have since recognized that yes this was a hurtful action by my wife. I have also recognized that while it was done by my wife who is married to me, it was not done to me. It is because of her FOO issues that programmed her to avoid conflict and to avoid getting in touch with her needs and trained her that when you express needs it is a sign of weakness....I realize all of this now.
I have new compassion for her because of this new understanding. I dont feel sorry for her, but I do have compassion. We all have FOO issues. Not all of us committ adultery.

This is the primary path I took to remove the responsibility for my wifes adultery from my plate. It is clear that this was the path she was on...regardless of who she was married to.

Likewise, my abandonment issues would have played out in a similar fashion whether I married my wife, or amy, or laura, or whomever. I would have made the same choices regardles of who my wife is or is not. Make sense?

This is why I am so committed to working through my issues. I pray my marriage R but that will require two committed people who are fully engaged and eyes wide open...everything on the table. I can only control myself. So to get to the spot where I think I will NOT repeat MY mistakes of the past I must address my issues...and FOO issues are at the root of this.

I see by your comment that you too wrestle with what ammends your spouse is making towards the damage they have done.

We have the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your wife has inacted some of the steps, but disagrees with some of them so she refuses to do them. Our old MC, I believe, supports her actions on this.

It is a struggle. I am still working on what geniune forgiveness is. Some definitions state that the offending partner needs to make ammends for their hurtful actions...others state that it is independent on the actions of the offending partner.

I think of my daughters when I think of this. Would I expect them to apologize to and try to compensate the person who they wronged or would I tell them "Okay, so everyone involved knows you did hurtful actions. You have done all you need is up to the hurt party to decide if they want to be friends with you or not. You need to nothing more."

Seems like if you go with the latter (and this is the attitude of your counselor and other experts) the offending person does not grow from this experience and are likely to repeat the hurtful action.

If you take out a car loan...dont pay it off but keep the car and no compensation was sought...why would you not go and get a new car every month? There are no penalities, no reprecussions.

Anyway....not Zen about some things....

Peace be with us all.

blakesteele posted 8/21/2013 09:14 AM

Hi Sable,

I went through the same experiences....hearing how special the AP was to my wife, her grieving more of the loss of him then our marriage and family, how she had real compassion for him because he was a "broken man"...all of that I experienced too.

Curious, though, that you threw up so quickly upon discovery...and that I am 11 months out and just experiencing this.

Thanks for posting....have not noticed you before.

Thankfully my wifes fAP appears to NOT be the whole "peace, love, and happiness" type of guy...he is most likely repeating his pattern with another "mom" around town. I think in this regards, my journey is a bit wifes fAP is delusional for sure, but at least he is not thinking he is some sort of saint or something.

'course, on the flip side of THAT is the fact my wife choose to have unprotected sex with him! So who knows whose is "easier",...this all pretty much sucks.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:21 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)]

sable posted 8/21/2013 10:28 AM

blakesteele, that misguided wayward compassion or a kinship with the AP was a component of my H's A as well. I think that is one of the ways they attempted to justify their behavior, they were attracted to each other's brokeness. The OW most definitely sees herself as a good person - after all, she is so "blessed" by her God/Goddess on a routine basis - and touts herself as a therapist to boot (when she isn't). She has a lot of friends that she has fooled into thinking she is a spiritual role model who has a "deep beautiful soul." That level of hypocrisy only fuels my feelings of disgust. Not only do I feel disgusted over the fact that my H betrayed me but that it was with someone who goes out of her way to project herself in a manner that is the polar opposite of her behavior and true intentions.

When my H started to learn more about her that is when the rose colored glasses fell off and his fog lifted. Like how she was married before to someone with the same first name, that their anniversary was the day before, they may not even be divorced ... yuck.

It also knocked down a peg too, realizing that he never had the upper hand with her and just how cunning and manipulative she was. He may have played her for sex, but she played him right back and then some.

Yes, I don't recall anyone else mentioning the vomiting right afterwards but I think it was from shock. It takes a lot to make me throw up too. I didn't even throw up while passing kidney stones (I fought the urge). The only other emotional trauma I can compare this to is my dad's horrible death and a sexual assault and I didn't throw up as a result of either of those.

While I don't throw up every day or anything, I have thrown up about once week or so. Sometimes it is dry heaving or gagging, almost to the point that I feel like my heart is going to pop out of my chest. It is always after something sets it off, trickle truth, thinking about a particular detail, seeing a picture of her, etc.

One day it was because my husband was laughing and talking to someone and I was just.... repulsed and disgusted by it. Like how can someone be so happy and content while I'm so heart-broken. That aspect has been getting a bit better but it is still a struggle. I find myself questioning if what I am seeing is real or a mask.

[This message edited by sable at 11:19 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)]

blakesteele posted 8/21/2013 13:31 PM

A part of me thinks my wife was played for sex. But then I realized she played him to fill her needs as well.....she put his family in as much risk as he did ours. Is filling an emotional need, or providing an "escape" anymore noble then going after a piece of strange? I don't think so.

I pray WS learn to see their actions and the actions of their AP's in the same light. I Pray this so that their families can heal and keep this destructive cycle from repeating itself. It would also be nice for the children of these families to learn more What healthy relationships look like.

LA44 posted 8/21/2013 14:30 PM

Hey Blake, I will let you know in Sept., when I see the AP for the first time at a conference. I wonder if seeing him with his son made the disgust that much more....profound for you. I think my fWH feels disgust with himself when he sees the vulnerability in our boys' eyes.

t/j when you have time: I would like to know more about Primary vs. Secondary reactions.

Can you give an example of 2 or 3 so I get it, please?

crazyblindsided posted 8/21/2013 14:32 PM

I pray WS learn to see their actions and the actions of their AP's in the same light.

^This is all I ever hope for.

I feel disgust quite a bit because of how I was treated post Dday and I usually lash out at WH. I also tend to lash out if MOW brings up anything contact wise or other. It is so awful.

I have gotten to a point where I have accepted that my WH is an EXTREMELY broken man and it is going to take time to fix and I'm sure some of it will never be fixed. What I do expect going forward is fidelity and there is no more gray area on how I feel about that one anymore.

RedRose posted 8/21/2013 16:02 PM

I recently began experiencing disgust as well. Not as much disgust when I think of them together, but disgust at the person WH has turned out to be. Disgust that he would continue the affair after seeing how devastated I was, how disappointed his mother was in him, disgust that the A was taking a toll on me physically yet he still didn't care enough to stop. Around the same time, I also started questioning whether I even still loved him - the disgust seemed to really change my feelings.

I have found that it hasn't caused me to rage against my WH, but instead has made me feel less in general - less love, certainly, but also less interested in making things work, less emotionally attached, which worries me as we are trying to R.

blakesteele posted 8/22/2013 11:12 AM

LA44....I do think there is a very different reaction within me seeing my wifes AP dependent on who is with me and who is with him. One on one...I got it under control for the most part. Add a family member to either of us and I react strongly...sometimes rage out of protection and fear for my family...sometimes disgust out of what happened and all of the reasons they used to make it happen.

If you were asking me about primary and secondary feelings....I dont have a full list. But I do know through counseling that one way to determine whether you are feeling a primary one or a secondary one is to dig deeper.

During my rage stage...I was unable to dig at one point I thought rage was a primary emotion.

It gets complicated in that rage is a BASIC emotion, but not a primary emotion. But that basic emotion was so strong I could not initially dig deeper. See what I mean?

It does appear that disgust is a primary emotion.

Primary emotions, I think, are directly related to an experience. Rage (feeling) is related to hurt (feeling) is related to my wife comitting adultery(fact,action).

Rage (feeling) is related to saddness (feeling) is related to losing my wife and I being "onlies" as she let another man have sex with her (fact, action).

Disgust (feeling) is related to my wife having unprotected sex with an almost stranger, within a relationship built on secreacy and lies (fact,action).

Damn, I hate writing that out...tough enough to think, let alone see it in print.

I use this in lieu of any other ability to explain how I determine primary vs secondary emotions.

I hope it helps.

I gotta tell you....I have parts of wisdom, but not full wisdom. I speak with passion and in earnest I beleive I come across stronger then I am. This is one possible reason why when I discuss a new-to-me thought to my wife she gets mode of operation CAN project that I all of a sudden have THE answer...when in reality I am just trying to process and make sense of this new item. KWIM?

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 11:13 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)]

LA44 posted 8/22/2013 11:33 AM

Yes, I think I understand Blake. I have done this with fWH too (intense with a new thought). I am thankful he does not get defensive but if he disagrees then I get defensive. I have to back off a little.

Thanks for explaining that. I am going to talk to my IC about it bc I don't like Angry LA. She comes out less and less but every now and then there she is.


[This message edited by LA44 at 11:34 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)]

TheRealDeal posted 8/22/2013 11:57 AM

The distinction between primary and secondary emotions is something I'm encountering during IC (for my FOO), too.

Disgust as a primary emotion is certain logical because I can't seem to pinpoint what other primary emotion it would be tied to. I'm no doctor or anything so this is just MHO.

I will outline a conversation with my IC. It's not verbatim but is a generalization of the actual session

IC: how did it make you feel when WSO didn't contact you for 1.5 months
ME: abandoned
IC: why?
ME: because I didn't feel loved anymore
IC: why?
ME: because I don't think he cares
IC: why?
ME: because he hit me with this shit out of the blue
IC: but how does that make you feel?
ME: abandoned and rejected
IC: why do you feel that way?
ME: (silence but then) I don't know
IC: you know why you don't know?
ME: (getting frustrated) No, I really don't know
IC: because you are in pain. But why are you in pain?
ME: (silence)
ME: (silence)
IC: TRD, don't fight your feelings, that is denial.say it out loud and be vulnerable
ME: because I hurt.
ME: I am sad
ME: I am afraid
ME: I am alone
IC: yes! that's the level you need to get to when you are experiencing emotions
ME: (now crying) but its painful
IC: yes but you need to go through it, not around it.

needless to say, it was a breakthrough for me. It relates back to FOO so that's what I'm working on.

he said some of the primary are: angry, sad, hurt, afraid, lonely, ashamed, happy

secondary would be more like: confused, upset, tense, good, bad, irritated....things you feel but don't really explain "why" you feel that way. there is an underlying reason

This is why I am so committed to working through my issues. I pray my marriage R but that will require two committed people who are fully engaged and eyes wide open...everything on the table. I can only control myself. So to get to the spot where I think I will NOT repeat MY mistakes of the past I must address my issues...and FOO issues are at the root of this.

I am on the same journey for myself and wish you peace. It is certainly an eye-opening experience.

blakesteele posted 8/22/2013 17:02 PM disgust is rolling from my wifes fAP to her now.

I dont know how to work through this...I have two young girls I very much want to stay a part of their lives...but my wife and I can hardly communicate kindly about anything at this point.

Her patience is almost shorter then mine. I am out of ideas on how to do this...weekly MC sessions over the past year have been ineffective to actually improve "us"...they have improved me and her..but not us.

A scheduling conflict has us unable to attend an upcoming Retrovaille weekend...was kind of my last ditch effort for strong 2x4's to our I am at a loss and am going to talk to a D attorney.

God be with me.

crazyblindsided posted 8/22/2013 17:46 PM


Sometimes the disgust for me comes and goes as the stages of my grief have gone. Maybe time heals disgust, I'm not sure but I am sorry you are experiencing this.

blakesteele posted 8/22/2013 19:32 PM

(((Crazy blindside)))

I just saw how rage hurts me...hurts my marriage, my wife, my family....dreading a similar round with disgust as the driving force.

I am tired. Thank you for the nudge and suggestion that this too will pass.

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