Last Friday was a very bad day for me and SAWH. He is military and there was a family PT day at his base. The kids had fun and it was nice to see him interact with them. His job is a major trigger for me as I feel that his life long career has been a huge factor in his addiction.
As we were leaving, a big trigger came up for me around a female trainer that he had previously disclosed fantasies about. Much to his credit he handled this trigger vey well with me. He addressed it I was leaving with the kids and he called me later and discussed it thoroughly. He really seemed to get all the feelings of hurt and insecurity it brought up and he was very reassuring. I felt like it was a really good step forward for us in that he showed appropriate remorse, compassion and empathy.
Things fell apart when he came home. When I left with the kids earlier, he told me he would be home around 2pm. I took the kids to the park since were out and thought I'd be home long before him. He called around 12:30 and said he was home. When we got home he was eating lunch and I was playing with the baby.
He kind of laughed and said that they were supposed to have a farewell lunch for one of the guys at his work at, catch this.... Hooter's.... But he "fell asleep at his desk while everyone was leaving so he didn't go".
I was immediately thrown into a tailspin. So many things were off here.
A) he always tells me about his upcoming lunches/ functions because I have asked him to... Trust building since his whole job makes me nervous... He didn't tell me about this one at it was at a place I would obviously have an issue with
I said this to him immediately and he became super defensive, saying he knew I would have an issue with it although "he didn't know why because people bring their kids there". So he fell asleep so he wouldn't have to go.
B) why wouldn't he just discuss this with me and why would he present it to me as " I fell asleep, so I didn't make it"? Instead of saying he didn't want to go so he made an excuse.
He also said that he never had any intentions of going because he was uncomfortable with it himself.
C) if he never had any intentions of going than why did he say that he would be home at 2pm which is when the lunch would be over?
I asked him if he had thought of going and then changed his mind. He said he " was never going to go"
So then, why the falling asleep story and saying he was going to be home at 2?
By this time he is angry and I am upset and I say I am just really confused and wish he would be straight with me. He offers two more statements as "evidence" that he never meant to go:
The first was that if he had really just fallen asleep and missed them leaving he could have met them over there instead of coming home.
The second bothered me the most. He said that I "had to know that he hadn't planned on going because he hadn't packed civilian clothes and he would've if he had planned to go. I called him on this immediately. He has been to so many of these farewell lunches since I have lived with him and he has never once packed civilian clothes. When I confronted him on this, he looked confused and said, " you know, you are right... I'm one of the only guys that gos in uniform".
By this time I really disintegrated because I felt like he was throwing out one "explanation" on top of another regardless of if there was any truth at all in any of it, just to see what would stick. This has been a pattern of his when there is a lie or something he is hiding or even some part of himself that he doesn't like and doesn't want to come to the surface.
This whole exchange made me feel so confused. He clearly didn't go. He was clearly uncomfortable about the whole situation... But it does seem like he was going to hide the fact that it was going on... Perhaps justify that I would "get upset for no reason" etc. it seems like he thought about going. In the end... The REAL problem isn't the going or the not going... It is the complete lack of full disclosure and openness... It is all the trappings of deceit even if he truly wasn't trying to hurt or deceive me.
It is the feeling that I can't believe what he says and that he will throw out anything or present things in crazy ways to try to avoid any potential arguments or uncomfortable discussions. I spent the whole rest of the day crying and being devastated and lost so much confidence in the process.
Plan to discuss it in MC today. Any thoughts from the wise folks on SI? Appreciation in advance....