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Must Survive posted 8/21/2013 10:12 AM

As you all know I had court mediation yesterday, see here:http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=505585&HL=34533

I am more depressed than I thought I would be. I think part of it was seeing STBXH after a year of NC. But it is also the fact that he is still mad at me. Angry that he has to pay half of my credit card debt (I own a business and there are good months and bad months). He says he did not know about them. Thats true, he had been told once and it was left at that. To run my business I never used any family $. He would not agree to it. Of course when he started his own company, he used his retirement plan to fund it!

Anyway I am thinking I still had hope that he would want to come back (not sure that I want him back, but it would be nice to think he made a mistake). But to see him so angry at having to pay cs and ss (both were increased at mediation) and to pay half the bills. I feel like he will never be anything but angry at me.

During the mediation he raised his voice and said he wants to see more of DD(16). I told him that was up to DS, they make plans between themselves. He just glared at me.

So what is my problem. Why am I worried that he is angry at me soooo much, that he would never consider getting back together?

Yesterday really was a setback for me and my healing and moving on. I can't figure out why I would want this man. But then I can't understand why he threw our 20 years away with 1 blink of an eye. Never looking back.

I need to get this figured out soon. I was just feeling normal, then these darn emotions.

PhantomLimb posted 8/21/2013 10:26 AM

((Must Survive))

I'm still relatively new here and don't have a great answer, but I wanted to let you know that I sympathize and feel for you. I imagine I would feel similarly.

My IC once told me that "hope is a defense against grief" when I talked about him feeling regret/sorrow for what he's done. It took me awhile to process that. And it still scares me.

It's hard not to hold on to at least a little hope that they aren't as far gone as they are.

dmari posted 8/21/2013 11:59 AM

I could have written something VERY similar. When I started to feel like you are now, I had to re-read my codependency books. What you are asking for is not greedy, vengeful or selfish. Simply put, divorce is expensive. This is the natural consequences of his actions. What did he think you would say and do?

When I was wrestling with your exact thoughts, my therapist pointed out that my stbx is expecting that I would do what I always did in my marriage ~ let him have his way and be a doormat. How about you?

You have to put yourself first. How are YOU feeling about the situation? He is pissed. He is having a mantrum. Again, what did he expect you to do? You WILL figure these darn emotions out soon Process it and feel it. Hurts like hell but feels soooo much better after. Trust me.

Newlease posted 8/21/2013 14:10 PM

I reminded my XWH that it is just like we always taught our sons, "Every action you take has a consequence. Welcome to the consequence."

Try not to spend so much time worrying about how he is feeling and spend more time on yourself and making your life as good as you can. Even though you didn't ask for it and didn't want it, you get a "do-over."

It can be whatever YOU decide it is.

Sending strength and peace.

NL