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Reconciliation when there is no justice?

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41andthankful posted 8/21/2013 11:21 AM

Is that really possible? I am on the road to d. But this is something I have struggled with from day one. For me I could not see it lasting without resentment creeping in. What was the reparative justice that got you to a place of wholeness to r?

Rebreather posted 8/21/2013 11:26 AM

If you need justice, I don't think you can reconcile. There is no justice. You find acceptance in that fact and move on from there.

The closest you can get, I have found, is finding hope and peace in the changes in your former wayward spouse. Their work, their effort, their remorse, their utter anguish at the destruction they caused. I respect him for this work and it is a defense against resentment.

confused615 posted 8/21/2013 11:27 AM

There is no justice. None. I think we have to learn to let go of the resentment.

Not sure how to do that yet...

2married2quit posted 8/21/2013 11:33 AM

I've struggled with this a lot. However, love is a choice and if you're going to love your spouse you're gonna have to love them and let go of what they did. Sure, it's not going to be easy and there's a rough path ahead, but it is doable. According to many, it takes at least 2 years of R. I'm looking forward to year 3.

HardenMyHeart posted 8/21/2013 11:37 AM

Reconciliation when there is no justice?

It is possible if you learn to accept that change is inevitable and nothing stays the same forever. This holds true even for our spouses that promised to always be faithful.

You also took vows of "for better or worse". Now you know what "worse" is referring to. R is also a time for testing your resolve to protect your marriage. Whether to stay or leave, there is no right or wrong answer.

Jrazz posted 8/21/2013 11:43 AM

As with a lot of other struggles I have faced in life - I've learned that I have to let go of the idea of "fair."

At first it seems that there is a horrible imbalance in the relationship as our spouses got to go out and "have fun" and left us to all that faithful-business and whatnot. The thing is, if you look at it from a karmic scale then you are still very much on the fuller side.

Try not to look for justice/punishment so much as improvement. Crazz is a better husband and father than he was before DDay, and I'll take that over him suffering for what he has done any day of the week.


doesitgetbetter posted 8/21/2013 11:48 AM

There is no justice in a good marriage. I can't deny my H affection because he didn't take out the trash, that is wrong. My H can't not take the kids to school because I didn't make him lunch, that is just wrong. There is no room for tit-for-tat in a healthy relationship. And after all, healthy is what we're all in the R forum looking for right?

Sal1995 posted 8/21/2013 11:49 AM

My wife had sex with another man 2-3 times a week for more than 10 months. If justice was a factor, we'd be going through a divorce. The problem is that divorce would be "unjust" to our children, and being separated from them more often than not would be unjust to me. So justice in most cases like this really is not achievable.

I understand the sentiment, but if R is the goal then justice can't come into play. And if you are divorcing your spouse (as you indicated)...there's your justice!

LA44 posted 8/21/2013 12:02 PM

41+thankful, hugs to you. I think we signed up around the same time trying to make sense of the ultimate betrayal.

I don't think justice comes into play here. That is for the court room. This is a matter of the heart. I now know that I will never be able to draw a straight line from what my fWH did to having it all make sense, fall into place. It just won't and I only came to accept that last week as a matter of fact.

It's been 8.5 months for us. I have seen his remorse,seen his determination to repair and know that he is a better man, a better husband and father.

I am chosing to let go of my resentment every day. And hey, I would have had to do this even if we went our separate ways.

If this is the route you go, try reading a bit from Affairs/repercussions of infidelity by emily brown. She has a good passage about good endings mean good beginnings.

I wish you well

AFrayedKnot posted 8/21/2013 12:03 PM

The real justice is seeing the look in their eye when they have that lightbulb moment realizing that they whored themselves out for cheap validation.

The pain they caused themselves is way worse than any justice that could come from from my hands.

sable posted 8/21/2013 12:04 PM

Me too. I'm personally of the mindset that what goes around, come around. I supposed some may call it karma but I think it is basically the result of cause and effect. Actions have consequences and they often have ripple effects far beyond what we see.

I don't believe that there is a "get out of jail free" card for cheaters or their APs. Those that don't make amends and atone for their destructive choices they are doomed to repeat them because they have not learned from them. Which means their deeds will eventually catch up with them at some point.

And yes, Chicho, very well said. Justice may just boil down to them having to look at themselves in the mirror.

[This message edited by sable at 12:07 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]

41andthankful posted 8/21/2013 12:12 PM

Thank you all your responses give me something to think about. I was asking because my WH is asking for 1 year and is offering a post nup. I think about it for my dd (4). I just don't know that I could without resentment. I don't want to punish him but at the same time i don't think that i could love and care for him as i should. Thanks again, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

OldCow18 posted 8/21/2013 12:13 PM

I also struggle with the fact that in this situation there is no justice, nothing is fair. WH and OW did the crime, but I am paying for it. But, instead of demanding justice, I am trying to get to a place where I will accept the injustice and move on.

I told WH that the ONLY justice in this would be divorce, but do I want "justice" or do a want to heal and fix my family? It's kind of like Dr. Phil's famous question, "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?"

Boy, I sound so healthy, don't I? HA, keep in mind this is my goal, I am no where near there yet. The fact that OW is having a great summer KILLS me. This hasn't affected her AT ALL. Meanwhile, I'm a complete disaster and will be for a long time to come. Most definitely not fair.

AFrayedKnot posted 8/21/2013 12:23 PM

41at- My fWS also begged for another chance and asked for a year. Thinking of my kids, I figured a year was the least I could do. I hoped for and expected her to fail. And for the first 10 months she did. She had that moment that I mentioned at about 10 months after dday and our path changed.

I am grateful everyday that I gave it a year. And I am even more grateful that within that year she actually got it.

SisterMilkshake posted 8/21/2013 12:27 PM

The real justice is seeing the look in their eye when they have that lightbulb moment realizing that they whored themselves out for cheap validation.
Love that, Chicho.

I am one that struggles with the whole justice thing, too. I agree that you have to accept the fact that there will be no justice if you want to have a healthy reconciliation.

If you have gained a great marriage in reconciliation and it continues to be so, I don't feel that I would allow that resentment to creep back in, it just wouldn't be there. KWIM?

rachelc posted 8/21/2013 12:53 PM

I'm not sure about justice. There would be nothing he could do to ease the pain of what happened anyway, and I had an affair myself first...

but consequences, yes. I regret not enacting some consequences - like kicking him out or something - but I understand why I did that.

Looking at yourself in the mirror? I truly believe that he looks at himself and thinks, "well if she hadn't of done what she did I wouldn't have done what I did." and lets himself off the hook. I think the shit sandwich was too big for him to chew so he had to act out.

I don't know how some BS live through this. They are the spouse with the moral high ground but I bet that doesn't mean much to them when they're trying to pick up the pieces of themselves after a betrayal. At least not at first.

If a wayward is truly truly remorseful, they'll get their justice. Digging through all that crap, FOO issues, everyone hating you, that's not fun. But, it's the only way out. I just don't think many waywards really do this. I'm still not there myself. If I was, I'd have a little more understanding and humility for what my husband did....

myperfectlife posted 8/21/2013 19:11 PM

If a wayward is truly truly remorseful, they'll get their justice. Digging through all that crap, FOO issues, everyone hating you, that's not fun.

I've thought of this as well.
The question is are you looking for your own justice or justice for your WS.
You make this situation worth it by how you act. If you get your issues fixed and can move on (through R or D) with a clear conscience that you've taken the high road-that is YOUR justice. And knowing that you were faithful to your marriage even when the chips were down and you really did have justification to invalidate those vows.
The justice for your WS on the other hand is quite different.
If you D, then you release the debt and allow life to pay the karma to him/her. That's why D seems like the only "fair" option. It seems fair because you don't have to keep score anymore, it's not your battle. You leave it to karma.
If you are in R, justice is served differently. If R is healthy and successful the justice is that your WS fully realizes the harm they have done to you, your family and themselves. If they are capable of realizing justice they will be served it tenfold. It will be evident in their eyes, their actions, their voice, the way they hold you and the way they strive to become worthy of the life they threw away.
If they are not capable of realizing justice it will become evident with the passage of time. They will never get it, never apply the lesson. In that case, I truly believe it's a lost cause, and the only option is the BS allows life, once again-to become the great equalizer by taking themselves out of the picture.
Sorry if that seemed esoteric, I tried to explain the way I feel, but it is truly complicated!

webmistress posted 8/21/2013 20:00 PM

Interesting that you posted this, as I was just thinking about justice today too. Maybe not justice so much as accountability; it seems like XH and I have piled up our losses during this mess, including the loss of our marriage, while OW (from what I can see) hasn't missed a step. I just don't think you should be able to contribute to so much heartbreak without paying the price.

So I guess I agree that at the end of it all, there is no justice. Part of the price of R is accepting that and still being able to move on. It's not easy.

still-living posted 8/21/2013 21:07 PM

This was a big struggle for me until the two year point when acceptance started finally kicking in. I was still in pain and began to realize justice would not take away the pain. Acceptance and forgiveness takes away the pain, along with a remorseful spouse.

niaveone posted 8/21/2013 21:43 PM

I felt the same way for a long time. At times I still do. I HATE the fact that we were in false R for a short time, but on the other hand, I think it was a little sweet justice for me. Showed WS the true person MOW was, not the butterflies and fairy tales she showed him the first time around. Don't get me wrong, she still said all the right things and was sweet and told him she wanted to be with him...but after finding out so much negative stuff about her and not believing it...only to go back to her with new eyes...he saw the disgusting world he was putting himself into. He saw the lying, manipulation, selfishness that he didn't see before *in her*. That was a wonderful gift to me (of course I didn't see it that way), because he realized what he had at home.

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