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bradychu posted 8/21/2013 11:26 AM

So, my wife and I live in a small town. Her affair partners (3 total all married) are Police Officers in adjacent (slightly larger) towns that we are frequently in. She worked as a dispatcher and has left the job to work on our marriage. We have since found out she contracted genital herpes. We had some personal things that HAD to get taken care of before I pushed to disclose this information to those affected. Like I had posted earlier, she suffers from deep depression and is terrified that people will find out and judge her. I am terrified of her possible actions…
I have struggled with how to expose the STD. When I found out about the affairs I made it clear that if I felt like I was in any way harassed by them or their departments I would not hesitate in informing their department and getting IA involved (the affairs were all in their squad cars while they were working). I also let them know that if there was ANY contact with my wife my first call was to their wife, family, friends…I would blow this sky high (I realize that many believe that I should have done this regardless…I had my reasons). Needless to say, I have not been harassed and no contact has been made. In order for me to maintain the “no contact” and honestly prevent me from doing something stupid, my best friend has offered to relay this info to these men. He is an Officer for a larger metropolitan department and feels that he can relay the info as one officer to another in a manner to keep things “calm”.
I am left with questions:
1) Are these guys going to consider me “less of a man” by not doing this myself? I am not overly worried about what they think of me aside from the way it may affect their actions.
2) What are the possible outcomes I should be worried about? I keep having thoughts of some outraged officer with a gun at my door. Or getting harassed on my way to / from work daily. Or our children being tormented at school…
3) How can I best protect my family in this situation?

confused615 posted 8/21/2013 11:36 AM

Their wives need to be told. These men already know they cheated..they know they had unprotected sex..they took that risk..and they had unprotected sex with their wives..and risked exposing them to STD's. They didn't care then...why would they tell their BW's now? They won't.

Was your WW deeply depressed before she cheated with 3 of her coworkers?

I understand why you want to keep this quiet. But she had affairs with 3 cops..all working at the same place..all in smallish towns the 2 of you frequent. People talk. This would,I imagine,be a hot little piece of gossip(I live in a small town too). I understand not wanting the kids to know. But your WW shouldn't be protected from the consequences of her actions. Depressed or not,she should be held accountable. There are 3 BW's out there who have been exposed..they are the victims.

There are many different things that *could* happen. And many of them are out of your control.

Can you move? That might be the best option..

doesitgetbetter posted 8/21/2013 11:45 AM

I agree, the wives need to be told, not the WH's. They likely won't ever tell their wives that their health is at risk. I can't imagine the guilt of knowing that a woman could get or be pregnant and the baby was at risk because I didn't tell her directly. You have got to tell the wives, there's just no two ways about it. In some states, you are actually legally required to inform anyone exposed to STD's that they are at risk.

bradychu posted 8/21/2013 11:55 AM

Unfortunately, moving is NOT an option. Fortunately, the towns these men work in are larger than ours (by a decent bit). I do have issues dealing with the humiliation...but I am holding my own right now.

My wife has suffered with deep depression her whole life. There have been periods where I have been concerned with suicide. She is on medication; though, I have been unsuccessful over the years of getting her into counseling.

At this point, I am comfortable with informing them so that they can get tested and do what is best for their families. How they do that is on their conscience.

My primary job is to protect MY family. And, knowing those parties involved, informing these women would only end in tragedy for my family.

It is not ideal. I do feel ashamed. And I have never sacrificed my morals before. But, like I said, I am protecting MY family first...

sparklezombie posted 8/21/2013 11:55 AM

I also agree that their wives need to be told. There is no way those guys will fess up to their spouses and it isn't right for that secret to be kept.

Brandon808 posted 8/21/2013 11:58 AM

In response to your questions

1) Are these guys going to consider me “less of a man” by not doing this myself? I am not overly worried about what they think of me aside from the way it may affect their actions.
Only if they're completely twisted alpha-male wannabes. Odds are they'll appreciate the back-channel way you've communicated with them as it will make them feel like they''re safe.
2) What are the possible outcomes I should be worried about? I keep having thoughts of some outraged officer with a gun at my door. Or getting harassed on my way to / from work daily. Or our children being tormented at school…
Unless any of them have exhibited any stalker-like behavior I''m expecting they''ll be ghosts. There might be a broken NC in the hopes of trying to take things underground. Be prepared for that possibility.
3) How can I best protect my family in this situation?
Sounds like you''re on the right track so far. I''d suggest you talk to an attorney and be fully up to speed on your rights. Also, make sure all of the evidence you have on her A''s are safe and not where she can access it.

[This message edited by Brandon808 at 11:59 AM, August 21st, 2013 (Wednesday)]

TrulySad posted 8/21/2013 12:12 PM

I agree that the BWs need to know. Their health is at risk, along with their children's.

As for the cops, please don't care at all for what they think of you. My ex WBF (almost 5 years ago) was a cop. He only thought of himself, and because of his position, felt he was above the law. The men your WW had affairs with are low lifes. Their opinions don't matter. And honestly, no matter how you handle this, they already have their opinions of you.

You could go to their IA department, but when I did this after my ex put a gun in his mouth, trying to scare me, (it was his issued firearm), they covered it up. Their main concern was protecting the unit. I can guarentee you the supervisors know all about the cheating going on. It's common in law enforcement (unfortunately). If you out them to their IA, be prepared for one of two things;

1. They do nothing
2. They slap the men on the back of their hands, and now you get to deal with the backlash from the ones caught. And by backlash, I mean a couple of things. You may get harrassed in ways the law will ignore. You may also find outsiders will believe those cops because they are cops, and you get labeled as some crazy man who is the one doing wrong.

All I can speak is from my own experiences with law enforcement. You may have a different outcome completely. But I do understand your delima.

I'd recommend letting their wives know, and then focus on you and your marriage. Take care of youself and walk away from them. If they contact you, or your wife, if they harass you in any way, save ALL evidence, take pictures, and then go to their IA and at the same time the newspaper.

Good luck...

bradychu posted 8/21/2013 12:28 PM

My only reason for being concerned with them thinking less of me is a typical "alpha" thing. If they view me as inferior then they will be more prone to do something. At this stage, I have control over the situation.

And, believe me, if my family is harassed over this, it won't end with a slap on the wrist. I have no issue going to all the local prosecuting attorneys with evidence enough to make them unsuitable witnesses. I have many high ranking friends in their town government (including the mayor). They do NOT want to threaten my family again and they know it!

Kelany posted 8/21/2013 12:38 PM

If your wife was so terrified of people finding out...I mean, really??


I would NOT tell her AP's, but their wives. Legally in most states you HAVE to tell sexual partners. There are ways to inform them anonymously through the health department I believe. But I would not trust them to tell their wives. I would find a way to tell them somehow, any how. Who cares about the consequences of people finding out, these women's lives are at risk.

BeyondBreaking posted 8/21/2013 12:53 PM

The BW's need to know. Not telling them, or trusting a liar to tell come clean with them is unfair. How would YOU want to be treated?

Most BS won't go crazy and try to shoot up your wife or family. You might be protecting your family from embarrassment, but chances are that gossip will get out anyway. Always does in some way or another. Better to face it head on with a clean conscious and treat people the way you would want to be treated.

If you feel that your familie's lives are REALLY in jeopardy by telling the BW's, you could always expose the affairs to IA and ask for protection from a different police dept in your town because you have reasons to believe there will be reprocussions.

confused615 posted 8/21/2013 12:58 PM

There are many WS's on SI who have been depressed for years..some severely. But they are seeking IC,and owning their shit. Your WW NEEDS IC..for her depression(that seems to be controlling your lives) AND for her wayward choices. She doesn't want to go? Again,therre are many WS's here that didn't want to go to IC either.

There are also a lot of BS's here who are severely depressed. Hi..Im one of them. I've been diagnosed with PTSD and MDD. This is not a free pass. I am still responsible for my actions and the way I treat others.

I think,if you read here long enough,you will see that your WW's depression isn't all that unique. We all have are scars. Protecting your WW from the consequences of her actions..based on her depression..isn't helping her. Is she getting better? How long does that last? Without IC,meds are only masking the problem. have you ever taken a hard line with her? Told her IC or divorce? Has she had any consequences for her actions?

I understand..she's your want to protect her. This is not protecting her. say you "know" telling a few of these BW's will result in "tragedy" for your family. How so?

One never really "knows" how they will handle a situation,until they are faced with it. How many of us said they would leave if we were cheated on? Yet many,many,many of us stayed. You just never really know.

[This message edited by confused615 at 12:59 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]

k94ever posted 8/21/2013 13:54 PM

Forget about the friend telling the AP'S. More than likely the APs will never tell their wives because that will just lead them into having to inform their spouses of their infidelities.

Either send letters to each of the BS's via certified/signature required or ask the Health Department if they could help.

Brad....these guys aren't going to ruin their careers just to get back at you. Your wife was a willing accomplice and probably not the first these guys tagged nor will she be the last.

The herpes is a serious health risk to the BS's and they need to know.


sadtoo posted 8/21/2013 14:21 PM

I don't know why you would allow them to have this "on you".

In my opinion, by you NOT TELLING, you are giving THEM control. If I were you, not only would I have informed each of their BS's, but I would have also marched right into their PD's IA department and filed an official complaint.

By you not telling, you are now a part of this whole ugly mess. And now you have to worry about all the crap that goes along with keeping secrets.

StillGoing posted 8/21/2013 14:29 PM

Why do you give a shit what they think? Do you feel ashamed and humiliated because you think they go to bed everynight smirking up their sleeves that you're a loser whose wife they fucked? I get that, but these guys have their own families they have utterly and completely failed. They have communities they failed, they have professions they failed, the have oaths and honors they failed. They have FAILED.

Why would you ever want respect from that kind of massive bundle of failure? It'd be like having the respect of a dog that only eats and sleeps in its own shit.

I understand the worry about them making life more difficult. Even if you took them to task and they couldn't fuck with you I'd be worried about other officers trying to get back for their buddies or something. I don't know how it really is and I don't know if that's how that shit really would go down, but I understand the worry of having your life completely disrupted all over again.

Their wives do need to know IMO, but how you go about disseminating that information is something you're best equipped to figure out. I would suggest at the very least consulting with a lawyer to discuss what to do about protecting your family in the event you do pass that information on somehow - I'd do it anyway because if one of their wives does find out, what's to stop them from thinking you dropped that info even if you didn't? Keeping those secrets makes you an accomplice, however unwilling, and you become unsympathetic to the other betrayed spouses involved as well. Legal questions are best answered by legal experts.

Good luck. This sucks but you will get through.

meplusfour posted 8/21/2013 14:30 PM

In order to protect your family, I would have a lawyer (located outside of your hometown) send a registered letter to the wives of the officers, advising them of their exposure of genital herpes due to the actions of their husbands. In the letter, do not reveal your identity or the identity of your family. Due to solicitor/client privilege, the lawyer cannot reveal your identity unless you allow it. I would bet that your wife is not the only person that they have engaged in an affair with and there are other BS out there.

Hope that helps.

bradychu posted 8/21/2013 14:45 PM

I realize that the morally and ethically "right" thing to do is inform these women. But, like I said, my first priority is protecting my family. I don't need the guilt trip on health concerns. Believe me, I am living with them. If this were truly life threatening I would inform. The fact is that (aside from extremely rare cases) this is nothing more than a nuisance. As far as "legal" requirements. In our area you are only required to notify for HIV and then only if you knew before sex.

confused615 posted 8/21/2013 14:59 PM

Im sorry..I don't think anyone is trying to guilt trip birth to a child when you don't know you have herpes can have devastating results. If any of these women become pregnant, their child is at risk.

I found the following:
(Im not posting the link..not sure that's allowed?)

Birth-acquired herpes is a herpes virus infection that an infant gets (acquires) from the mother during pregnancy or birth.

Newborn infants can become infected with herpes virus:

In the uterus (congenital herpes -- this is unusual)
Passing through the birth canal (birth-acquired herpes, the most common method of infection)
Right after birth (postpartum) from kissing or having other contact with someone who has herpes mouth sores
If the mother has an active genital herpes infection at the time of delivery, the baby is more likely to become infected during birth. Some mothers may not be aware they have internal (inside the vagina) herpes sores.

Some people have had herpes infections in the past, but were not aware of it. These people, not knowing that they have herpes, may pass it to their baby.

Herpes type 2 (genital herpes) is the most common cause of herpes infection in newborn babies, but herpes type 1 (oral herpes) can also occur.

Herpes may only appear as a skin infection. Small, fluid-filled blisters (vesicles) may appear. These blisters rupture, crust over, and finally heal, often leaving a mild scar.

Herpes infection may also spread throughout the body (called disseminated herpes). In this type, the herpes virus can affect many different parts of the body.

Herpes infection in the brain is called herpes encephalitis
The liver, lungs, and kidneys may also be involved
There may or may not be blisters on the skin
Newborn infants with herpes that has spread to the brain or other parts of the body are often very sick. Symptoms include:

Bleeding easily
Breathing difficulties
Blue appearance (cyanosis)
Flaring of the nostrils
Rapid breathing (tachypnea)
Short periods without breathing (apneic episodes)
Low body temperature (hypothermia)
Poor feeding
Skin lesions, fluid-filled blisters

Not all women get tested for STD's when they become pregnant. I've had 4 was offered,I declined. (Hindsight..I should have done it)

If any of these women become pregnant..and opt to not get tested,because they believe they have a faithful husband,this can be passed on to the child..and as you can can be life threatening for the child.

Im sorry you feel you're getting 2x4'd. As a mother,and a BW, this hits too close to home.

bradychu posted 8/21/2013 15:01 PM

I am not overly worried about the guys showing up at our door. I do worry that if I come across as weak it would increase the likelihood of getting harassed.

What I do worry about is my wife and marriage and how all of this affects my kids. I know way too many kids who had their entire lives changed by something as stupid as this. Add in the fact that my wife is more depressed than I have ever seen her. Add in the fact that I am not the only one who is worried about her mentally (her best friend has approached me about this). Add in the suicide risks (she has those thoughts). I flat refuse to tell my kids "your whole life is now messed up but, it was the right thing to do".

lieshurt posted 8/21/2013 15:05 PM

The fact is that (aside from extremely rare cases) this is nothing more than a nuisance.

I'm sure the people on this site who contracted herpes from their cheating spouse consider it much more than a nuisance. And yes, there have been some of those "rare" cases on here too that suffered greatly from having it.

bradychu posted 8/21/2013 15:06 PM

Believe me, I can handle some 2x4s...but, I try to analyze things from all angles and make my decisions based on what I think is the best for my family. I agree with everyone and would offer the exact same advice they are. But, I honestly don't think it is the right thing to do in this case.

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