Was your WW deeply depressed before she cheated with 3 of her coworkers?
I understand why you want to keep this quiet. But she had affairs with 3 cops..all working at the same place..all in smallish towns the 2 of you frequent. People talk. This would,I imagine,be a hot little piece of gossip(I live in a small town too). I understand not wanting the kids to know. But your WW shouldn't be protected from the consequences of her actions. Depressed or not,she should be held accountable. There are 3 BW's out there who have been exposed..they are the victims.
There are many different things that *could* happen. And many of them are out of your control.
Can you move? That might be the best option..
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
My wife has suffered with deep depression her whole life. There have been periods where I have been concerned with suicide. She is on medication; though, I have been unsuccessful over the years of getting her into counseling.
At this point, I am comfortable with informing them so that they can get tested and do what is best for their families. How they do that is on their conscience.
My primary job is to protect MY family. And, knowing those parties involved, informing these women would only end in tragedy for my family.
It is not ideal. I do feel ashamed. And I have never sacrificed my morals before. But, like I said, I am protecting MY family first...
1) Are these guys going to consider me “less of a man” by not doing this myself? I am not overly worried about what they think of me aside from the way it may affect their actions.
Only if they're completely twisted alpha-male wannabes. Odds are they'll appreciate the back-channel way you've communicated with them as it will make them feel like they''re safe.
2) What are the possible outcomes I should be worried about? I keep having thoughts of some outraged officer with a gun at my door. Or getting harassed on my way to / from work daily. Or our children being tormented at school…
Unless any of them have exhibited any stalker-like behavior I''m expecting they''ll be ghosts. There might be a broken NC in the hopes of trying to take things underground. Be prepared for that possibility.
3) How can I best protect my family in this situation?
Sounds like you''re on the right track so far. I''d suggest you talk to an attorney and be fully up to speed on your rights. Also, make sure all of the evidence you have on her A''s are safe and not where she can access it.
[This message edited by Brandon808 at 11:59 AM, August 21st, 2013 (Wednesday)]
As for the cops, please don't care at all for what they think of you. My ex WBF (almost 5 years ago) was a cop. He only thought of himself, and because of his position, felt he was above the law. The men your WW had affairs with are low lifes. Their opinions don't matter. And honestly, no matter how you handle this, they already have their opinions of you.
You could go to their IA department, but when I did this after my ex put a gun in his mouth, trying to scare me, (it was his issued firearm), they covered it up. Their main concern was protecting the unit. I can guarentee you the supervisors know all about the cheating going on. It's common in law enforcement (unfortunately). If you out them to their IA, be prepared for one of two things;
1. They do nothing
2. They slap the men on the back of their hands, and now you get to deal with the backlash from the ones caught. And by backlash, I mean a couple of things. You may get harrassed in ways the law will ignore. You may also find outsiders will believe those cops because they are cops, and you get labeled as some crazy man who is the one doing wrong.
All I can speak is from my own experiences with law enforcement. You may have a different outcome completely. But I do understand your delima.
I'd recommend letting their wives know, and then focus on you and your marriage. Take care of youself and walk away from them. If they contact you, or your wife, if they harass you in any way, save ALL evidence, take pictures, and then go to their IA and at the same time the newspaper.
And, believe me, if my family is harassed over this, it won't end with a slap on the wrist. I have no issue going to all the local prosecuting attorneys with evidence enough to make them unsuitable witnesses. I have many high ranking friends in their town government (including the mayor). They do NOT want to threaten my family again and they know it!
I would NOT tell her AP's, but their wives. Legally in most states you HAVE to tell sexual partners. There are ways to inform them anonymously through the health department I believe. But I would not trust them to tell their wives. I would find a way to tell them somehow, any how. Who cares about the consequences of people finding out, these women's lives are at risk.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
Most BS won't go crazy and try to shoot up your wife or family. You might be protecting your family from embarrassment, but chances are that gossip will get out anyway. Always does in some way or another. Better to face it head on with a clean conscious and treat people the way you would want to be treated.
If you feel that your familie's lives are REALLY in jeopardy by telling the BW's, you could always expose the affairs to IA and ask for protection from a different police dept in your town because you have reasons to believe there will be reprocussions.
"What did you expect? I am a scorpion."
There are also a lot of BS's here who are severely depressed. Hi..Im one of them. I've been diagnosed with PTSD and MDD. This is not a free pass. I am still responsible for my actions and the way I treat others.
I think,if you read here long enough,you will see that your WW's depression isn't all that unique. We all have are scars. Protecting your WW from the consequences of her actions..based on her depression..isn't helping her. Is she getting better? How long does that last? Without IC,meds are only masking the problem. have you ever taken a hard line with her? Told her IC or divorce? Has she had any consequences for her actions?
I understand..she's your wife..you want to protect her. This is not protecting her.
Also..you say you "know" telling a few of these BW's will result in "tragedy" for your family. How so?
One never really "knows" how they will handle a situation,until they are faced with it. How many of us said they would leave if we were cheated on? Yet many,many,many of us stayed. You just never really know.
[This message edited by confused615 at 12:59 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]
Either send letters to each of the BS's via certified/signature required or ask the Health Department if they could help.
Brad....these guys aren't going to ruin their careers just to get back at you. Your wife was a willing accomplice and probably not the first these guys tagged nor will she be the last.
The herpes is a serious health risk to the BS's and they need to know.
In my opinion, by you NOT TELLING, you are giving THEM control. If I were you, not only would I have informed each of their BS's, but I would have also marched right into their PD's IA department and filed an official complaint.
By you not telling, you are now a part of this whole ugly mess. And now you have to worry about all the crap that goes along with keeping secrets.
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE him.
OC born 2001
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)
Why would you ever want respect from that kind of massive bundle of failure? It'd be like having the respect of a dog that only eats and sleeps in its own shit.
I understand the worry about them making life more difficult. Even if you took them to task and they couldn't fuck with you I'd be worried about other officers trying to get back for their buddies or something. I don't know how it really is and I don't know if that's how that shit really would go down, but I understand the worry of having your life completely disrupted all over again.
Their wives do need to know IMO, but how you go about disseminating that information is something you're best equipped to figure out. I would suggest at the very least consulting with a lawyer to discuss what to do about protecting your family in the event you do pass that information on somehow - I'd do it anyway because if one of their wives does find out, what's to stop them from thinking you dropped that info even if you didn't? Keeping those secrets makes you an accomplice, however unwilling, and you become unsympathetic to the other betrayed spouses involved as well. Legal questions are best answered by legal experts.
Good luck. This sucks but you will get through.
Hope that helps.
I found the following:
(Im not posting the link..not sure that's allowed?)
Birth-acquired herpes is a herpes virus infection that an infant gets (acquires) from the mother during pregnancy or birth.
Newborn infants can become infected with herpes virus:
In the uterus (congenital herpes -- this is unusual)
Passing through the birth canal (birth-acquired herpes, the most common method of infection)
Right after birth (postpartum) from kissing or having other contact with someone who has herpes mouth sores
If the mother has an active genital herpes infection at the time of delivery, the baby is more likely to become infected during birth. Some mothers may not be aware they have internal (inside the vagina) herpes sores.
Some people have had herpes infections in the past, but were not aware of it. These people, not knowing that they have herpes, may pass it to their baby.
Herpes type 2 (genital herpes) is the most common cause of herpes infection in newborn babies, but herpes type 1 (oral herpes) can also occur.
Herpes may only appear as a skin infection. Small, fluid-filled blisters (vesicles) may appear. These blisters rupture, crust over, and finally heal, often leaving a mild scar.
Herpes infection may also spread throughout the body (called disseminated herpes). In this type, the herpes virus can affect many different parts of the body.
Herpes infection in the brain is called herpes encephalitis
The liver, lungs, and kidneys may also be involved
There may or may not be blisters on the skin
Newborn infants with herpes that has spread to the brain or other parts of the body are often very sick. Symptoms include:
Blue appearance (cyanosis)
Flaring of the nostrils
Rapid breathing (tachypnea)
Short periods without breathing (apneic episodes)
Low body temperature (hypothermia)
Skin lesions, fluid-filled blisters
Not all women get tested for STD's when they become pregnant. I've had 4 kids..it was offered,I declined. (Hindsight..I should have done it)
If any of these women become pregnant..and opt to not get tested,because they believe they have a faithful husband,this can be passed on to the child..and as you can see..it can be life threatening for the child.
Im sorry you feel you're getting 2x4'd. As a mother,and a BW, this hits too close to home.
What I do worry about is my wife and marriage and how all of this affects my kids. I know way too many kids who had their entire lives changed by something as stupid as this. Add in the fact that my wife is more depressed than I have ever seen her. Add in the fact that I am not the only one who is worried about her mentally (her best friend has approached me about this). Add in the suicide risks (she has those thoughts). I flat refuse to tell my kids "your whole life is now messed up but, it was the right thing to do".
The fact is that (aside from extremely rare cases) this is nothing more than a nuisance.
I'm sure the people on this site who contracted herpes from their cheating spouse consider it much more than a nuisance. And yes, there have been some of those "rare" cases on here too that suffered greatly from having it.
If you want them to quit stabbing you in the back, then you need to quit handing them the knife.