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Remone posted 8/21/2013 12:13 PM

Today my wife hates me for what I have done. This is new but not unexpected. I am so sorry for the choices I made and really want to help her in any way I can. Does anyone have suggestions for what helped when the BS was so angry? I feel like she doesn't want to be near me but I don't want to just leave her alone. I want to respect what she needs while still letting her know I'm here and I understand her anger.

LosferWords posted 8/21/2013 12:32 PM

Hello, and welcome, Remone.

How far out are you from d-day? Have you told her the entire truth.

The anger stage starts right away for some, for others it can start as late as six months out, from what I have seen.

Also, if there has been TT (trickle truth), where new information continues to trickle out instead of being offered up front, the anger stage can extend and intensify.

I feel like she doesn't want to be near me but I don't want to just leave her alone. I want to respect what she needs while still letting her know I'm here and I understand her anger.

Have you told her this? Now is definitely a time to go by her cues as much as you can.

That anger is going to be there, no matter what, it's just a matter of her getting it out.

In the meantime, what steps are you taking to work on yourself to examine why you did what you did, and what you can do to make yourself a safe person?

Again, welcome to SI. I think you'll find a great deal of information and support here.

Remone posted 8/21/2013 12:40 PM

Hi losferwords,
Thanks for your reply. We are 3 months out from the last d day. Yes I have told her everything but there are details that come out when we discuss aspects of the affair that are hard for her to hear. Good advice re telling her my thoughts about being near her, I will let her know this. As far as working on myself I am in IC and working on the reasons and the feelings. Waiting to get into MC.

LosferWords posted 8/21/2013 12:54 PM

Sounds like you are on a good track. When my wife is going through her anger, I find myself saying things like: "You have every right to feel that way. I don't blame you one bit. This is true. I am sorry."

Then I just kind of take her cues and go from there. At times like these, I realize there is a reason why I have two ears, but only one mouth. Really helps more than anything to listen. And I mean really listen to what she is saying, even through all of the anger.

Good luck.

Remone posted 8/21/2013 13:17 PM

Thanks again for your thoughts and ideas. Good luck to you too.

ShellShockedSid posted 8/21/2013 19:48 PM

Yup, as a BW, I remember the 3-6 months out stage...anger, hate, rage...that sucked. For me it was follows by a reprieve of flatness... No emotion at all. That was actually a welcome relief.

Just be there, for her, be totally honest, about all things, and express your remorse, over and over.

1DumbHusband posted 8/22/2013 22:35 PM

I too can sympathize with your situation Remone. When my BS is angry, I try to let her express her anger. It's going to be tough (extremely tough) and you need to find a way to help her cope. I try to reassure my BS that I will work every day to rebuild and regain some sense of trust and that I will learn from my mistakes and NEVER repeat them. This isn't always what she wants to hear, but it's sometimes the only thing you can offer.

noglamour posted 8/23/2013 08:00 AM

I'm 3 weeks out and received a phone call from my wife yesterday. She was yelling at me telling me how much she hates me.

She did most of the talking and every few minutes I would say that im here and listening.

She was texting me today about our business agreement and separation agreement, after we exchanged a few texts I let her know that i begged for her forgiveness and i pray one day she will be able to.

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