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He says if I leave, he won't see our daughter anymore

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sparklezombie posted 8/21/2013 12:26 PM

So I told WH I'm leaving in October (once rental house is empty) because I caught him cheating again - online sites to find anon sexual encounters with other women while on business travel. This is far from the first DD.

He really doesn't want me to leave. Says he is sorry. Wants to work on it, etc. But then he says that if I leave we can't work on our marriage and if I leave - that it doesn't work like that. Also, if I leave he wants nothing to do with our one year old daughter. He won't even see her anymore. That doesn't sound like someone who is remorseful right? I'm not misreading things am I? It feels very threatening and he keeps saying that him not seeing the baby would be my choice because I'm choosing to move out. It's so stressful and I just can't wait for October, but then there is still that small part of me that wonders if leaving is the right thing. To be fair though, I think that part is getting smaller by the day.

Tred posted 8/21/2013 12:28 PM

Sounds like he is trying to use your daughter as bait to guilt you into staying. I call bullshit.

SadFlower posted 8/21/2013 12:36 PM

See a lawyer at once, if you have not already done so. That is a hideous threat. How low can you go, making a dear little one-year-old a pawn? I agree, that doesn't sound like remorse at all.

Even if he never sees her again--and he may be bluffing just to get you to stay--he will be on the hook for child support. Lawyer up!

confused615 posted 8/21/2013 12:36 PM

So he cheats..over and over..and over again...and then tells you if you leave(a reasonable and expected response to being cheated on)...he will stop being a dad to his child?

OMG. That's blackmail. It's cruel..and abusive.

His being a father should have nothing to do with whether the marriage remains intact. he is her father,regardless.

Honestly? FTG.If this is how he is going to be..I would leave anyway. If that means your DD loses her be was going to happen any way. I don't want that for her,of course. But if he is going to make a threat like this..he will make it again..and again,to keep you in line and tied to him.

This is not a man who is remorseful. This is an asshole who is using his child to manipulate you into staying.

Im a parent. there are NO circumstances possible that would ever..EVER...make me say something like that. I AM their mother. Being their mommy has nothing to do with WH.

Ugh. What a dickbag.

krazy8516 posted 8/21/2013 12:41 PM

Sparkle, this really was a shitty thing for him to do. Anyone who would say something like that doesn't deserve to be a parent anyway, IMO. And he doesn't deserve you. You have put up with his crap for too long.

I hope things get better for you, I really do. ::hugs::

fourever posted 8/21/2013 12:41 PM

You are misreading NOTHING!

Selfish Asshole! Show him the door as soon as you are back from the attorney.
How dare anyone threaten this, especially a self-serving, selfish, jerk who brought this on himself and you and your child.
Good riddance!

Why would anyone want to stay with that threat?

Sorry, I know this is strong, but wow, what a gut punch.
A little REALITY will go a long way with this one.

nowiknow23 posted 8/21/2013 12:48 PM

What an unbelievable jackass move.

(((((sparkle & DD)))))

StillGoing posted 8/21/2013 12:50 PM

he keeps saying that him not seeing the baby would be my choice because I'm choosing to move out.

It's his choice not to fight tooth and nail to see his child as much as possible. Absolute dad fail right there. Not on you.

Take2 posted 8/21/2013 12:55 PM

Of all the f'ed up things I've read here - that is right up at the top of the list!!!

I know there are plenty of deadbeat dads here - but to actually tell you he will disappear from her life? I think I'd look at him and say: "No problem, I'll just find her a new Daddy then!" What an ass!!

ButterflyGirl posted 8/21/2013 12:56 PM

My unremoreseful dickhead of a STBX said basically the same about our 2 sons. That if I leave, he's dropping out of their lives and moving. Said he wants to start a new life in Russia with his brother.

That was, till child support started being figured out. Now, all of the sudden the fucktard wants more time. Honestly, I wish the abusive asshole would just leave. Fuck the money, fuck the support, just get the hell away from my kids with your abusive antics and bullying and manipulation.

I would tell a lawyer right away. I would try to get him to say it again in a text message or email so you have proof. This is manipulation at its finest, and you should get the hell away from him. Children should NEVER be used as pawns like this..


standingonmarble posted 8/21/2013 12:57 PM

He sounds desperate to maintain status quo in his life.

Such a hard lesson for these types to learn; control is just a fantasy.

lynnm1947 posted 8/21/2013 12:58 PM

Well, isn't he the good dad? (Disgusted.)On the other hand, given his behaviour, perhaps not seeing the baby would be a good thing.

I think he is just trying to control you. I'm sorry he's being such an asshat.

Pass posted 8/21/2013 13:02 PM

He's an arse. If you leave, he gets to make the decision to act like a dad or not. Don't let him push that shit on you.

HurtButHopeful? posted 8/21/2013 13:06 PM

Like someone else said, I'd get Mr. sparklezombie to say it in an email, or text, etc. Then when you go to court for custody, child support, etc. they can see what his plans are.

Wow. His love for his baby is really conditional. No matter what my FWH did it would not decrease my desire to be with my would increase it.

Mr. sparklezombie is some piece of work....

Even if he L his baby, but is saying that to manipulate you into saying, he is still messed up in his head.

jjsr posted 8/21/2013 13:10 PM

Gently, but it sounds to me like you and your child would have a better life if either of you didn't see him.

sparklezombie posted 8/21/2013 13:31 PM

Gently, but it sounds to me like you and your child would have a better life if either of you didn't see him

Yes, I think so too sometimes. It's hard because we've been together so long (17 years) and I feel like this is normal or that I deserve it, even though the rational part of my brain says otherwise. I see my IC again today. She has said that he's emotionally abusive and after hearing him yell this stuff at me this morning I would have to agree. I hope he comes around, but I don't have much hope. I also hate the he blames me and says all of this is my fault.

JanaGreen posted 8/21/2013 13:39 PM

If he really means it, he's a shit father anyway and having him around is probably NOT going to be beneficial to your daughter.

What an asshole. That makes me INCREDIBLY angry. How could someone walk away from a precious one-year-old baby?

AStar posted 8/21/2013 13:41 PM

Wow sparklezombie, your H is a piece of work. Your precious child is not a bargaining chip, or to be used to emotionally blackmail you.
He must choose to fully commit to you or leaving in October is the right thing to do for your own well being. Hugs to you and your daughter.

sadtoo posted 8/21/2013 13:48 PM

He is a controlling, manipulative, abusive, JACKASS.

You and your daughter will be better off without him. Stop talking to him and move. Call a lawyer. Make sure he/she is a SHARK. Have him/her do the talking for you.

I hope someday you meet a wonderful man who will be a kind and loving husband to you and a loving and nurturing father to your daughter.

sparklezombie posted 8/21/2013 18:13 PM

Now tonight he says I can leave but that I'm not taking my daughter with me. I guess he figured out that blackmailing by telling me he wouldn't see her wasn't going to work and now he says she can't come live with me. That's crap. She goes where I go and I'm tired of his crap.

And I do have a good lawyer. I'm actually a lawyer although I don't litigate. But I have a good friend who does domestic relations and is representing me. She doesn't take any crap from anyone. I just can't believe he would now say he's going to fight or custody.

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