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Yakamishi posted 8/21/2013 12:36 PM

What would you consider "work" when you ask your WS to do the work necessary to reconcile?

Kelany posted 8/21/2013 12:41 PM

For us it was:

NC immediately
IC
MC
him going to SA meetings
answering my questions truthfully.
Timeline
Reading a few books
COMMUNICATING
Helping me heal by giving me comfort, talking when I needed to talk, giving empathy, allowing me to vent or cry or even be angry without getting defensive.

LosferWords posted 8/22/2013 09:11 AM

Luckily my wife was able to figure out most of this on her own, with a few cues from me. The work she did that helped me the most was:

NC, including working towards "mental NC"
Written timeline
Digging for the "Why", which included:
- IC
- Reading books, including highlights/annotations
- Exploring FOO issues
Listening to me
Practicing empathy toward me
Helping me reclaim dates/locations/acts of intimacy
Transparency with email/facebook/phone/etc.
Supporting me with my mental needs (SI, IC, ADs)

Hope this helps.

PrincessPeach06 posted 8/22/2013 09:17 AM

WS did the "common sense" stuff right away on his own (NC, counseling, addressing FOO issues) but did not read any books. Finally after a big fight I told him I was done asking and begging him to read and figure out how to help me, that he needed to desire to do that on his own.

I explained that if the doctor told him he had cancer *I* would read every book and research everything I could to find out how to help him feel better and get through it. I said this is not a whole lot different - maybe there is no cure but I want to see him want to help me no matter what it takes because he wants to.

He immediately started reading and hasn't stopped. It has started making a huge difference!!