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Newest Member: Else (61873)

User Topic: Wayward work?
♂ 38230
Member # 38230
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What would you consider "work" when you ask your WS to do the work necessary to reconcile?

Me: BH
Her: WW Mrs.yaka
Variouse clues to EA. WW promised it would stop.
D-Day of EA 9/13/2012 2:01PM found 2 yrs of text messages, confessed to EA
D-Day of PA: confessed on 9/22/12 11:53 PM. Worst moment of my life

Posts: 248 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Massachusetts
♀ 34755
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For us it was:

NC immediately
him going to SA meetings
answering my questions truthfully.
Reading a few books
Helping me heal by giving me comfort, talking when I needed to talk, giving empathy, allowing me to vent or cry or even be angry without getting defensive.

BS - Me
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking

Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
♂ 30369
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Luckily my wife was able to figure out most of this on her own, with a few cues from me. The work she did that helped me the most was:

NC, including working towards "mental NC"
Written timeline
Digging for the "Why", which included:
- IC
- Reading books, including highlights/annotations
- Exploring FOO issues
Listening to me
Practicing empathy toward me
Helping me reclaim dates/locations/acts of intimacy
Transparency with email/facebook/phone/etc.
Supporting me with my mental needs (SI, IC, ADs)

Hope this helps.

Posts: 30662 | Registered: Dec 2010
♀ 39588
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS did the "common sense" stuff right away on his own (NC, counseling, addressing FOO issues) but did not read any books. Finally after a big fight I told him I was done asking and begging him to read and figure out how to help me, that he needed to desire to do that on his own.

I explained that if the doctor told him he had cancer *I* would read every book and research everything I could to find out how to help him feel better and get through it. I said this is not a whole lot different - maybe there is no cure but I want to see him want to help me no matter what it takes because he wants to.

He immediately started reading and hasn't stopped. It has started making a huge difference!!

Me (BS): 36
Him aka narcissistic psychopath (WS): 36
Married 17 years 6 kids ages 16-7
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

Filed for divorce 5/8/15

Posts: 326 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 4

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