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Unagie posted 8/21/2013 12:39 PM

Down the rabbit hole of self hatred. Slipping back down a path where looking in the mirror shows me the most horrible person I've ever been aware of. Trying to claw my way back out and I think I just hit an extremely low dip in the roller coaster because I wake up with tears in my eyes every day. I have nightmares with a severe lack of sleep. Constant mind movies and racing thoughts again. I'm on the verge of walking away and not due to his actions but because I have no fight left and I'm slowly losing it again.

[This message edited by Unagie at 12:39 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]

LosferWords posted 8/21/2013 12:46 PM

Hi Unagie,

I noticed at the beginning of your post you started talking about "self hatred", and at the end of your post you were talking about walking away because you have no "fight left".

Sounds like are having a couple of different issues to me.

Why are you feeling self hatred? I've seen you out here pretty much every day, and you've put in a ton of amazing work on yourself, plus you've been continuing your education while you can. How do you feel about yourself now versus six months or even a year ago?

The other issue I see is you giving up the fight. Where are those feelings of discouragement coming from?

Just wanted to throw those questions out, and at the same time offer some words of encouragement. Hang in there, okay?

MissesJai posted 8/21/2013 12:51 PM

what triggered this? where is this coming from?

Unagie posted 8/21/2013 13:40 PM

I'm allowing his actions to effect me more then I should. I'm bringing up all the bad I've done as a justification for his treating me the way he does. I felt amazing about the work I've done and was starting to feel proud of myself. Then I found out about him meeting up with a woman...an old mutual friend who we ended our friendship with 7 years ago when she confessed her love to him. A few days after this I find out he realized that he was in love with her too and wants to keep in touch with her. He feels no remorse for these actions and since he was never physical doesn't understand why I'm in so much pain.

I'm allowing it all to make me feel worthless because if I was worthy then he'd acknowledge his choices and how they hurt me instead of using my actions to justify it. If I wasn't a horrible person he wouldn't treat me horribly. Do I know it makes no sense? Of course I do yet I can't seem to stop hurting long enough to make sense. I truly am trying to claw out of it, going to work, seeing friends, doing things that I enjoy but I feel worse and worse each moment. I think I know I have to leave and by feeling horrible about myself it gives me a reason to stay.

That brings the question why do I want to stay? To be honest it's a mix of fear of my future, fear I will never overcome my past, fear I will never love or be loved in a healthy way and a huge part that still loves him. Although as time is passing I realize I never really knew him.

[This message edited by Unagie at 1:44 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]

CheaterMagnet posted 8/21/2013 14:07 PM

I'm allowing it all to make me feel worthless because if I was worthy then he'd acknowledge his choices and how they hurt me instead of using my actions to justify it. If I wasn't a horrible person he wouldn't treat me horribly.

Wow. Just wow. How did you get inside my head???

I have no advice, just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone. I am struggling with this today also.

Kelany posted 8/21/2013 14:09 PM

Unagie, I don't know that I've ever responded to your posts, but I've read them all.

What I see, is someone who is remorseful, who is trying to own her shit and become a better person.

What I also see is that you are with someone who does NOT deserve you. You are fighting a battle that you will never win, because he is not capable of loving you the way you deserve to be loved.

He has told you time and time again that he does not care about you the way you need to be cared for. He does not care that he continually hurts you. He is using you, plain and simple. He is ABUSING you. He is cake eating continually. He refuses to admit his actions and yet still sees other women. He isn't remorseful, he doesn't care. He is selfish.

Your affair does not define you for the rest of your life unless you let it. Your affair does not give him justification for his actions against you now.

You have control over you and your choices/actions. You can choose to become healthy, which you've been working on. However, I don't think, no, I KNOW, you will never become fully healthy by remaining in a relationship with him. He won't allow you to.

You are worthy of love. You are worthy of a healthy love and life. The love you feel for him is NOT healthy love, it's codependant love. Until you free yourself from the noose around your neck, you will never feel good about yourself though. He isn't interested in a healthy Unagie because then, he would have to respect you, and he doesn't. So respect yourself, leave and get healthy for you. Prove to yourself that you ARE enough and you ARE worthy.

MissesJai posted 8/21/2013 14:16 PM

oh honey (((Unagie))). My heart is hurting for you. I can't remember - are you in IC?

Why are you so afraid to leave him?
What keeps you in this relationship?
What are you getting out of it?

nowiknow23 posted 8/21/2013 14:33 PM

Unagie - I read a lot of guilt and shame in that second post. His actions don't invalidate all the work you've done. His actions are not a reflection on your worth - it's SI 101, honey. His choices are about HIM, just as yours are about YOU.

Don't let this drag you under again. Tie no weights to your ankles, honey.

Unagie posted 8/21/2013 14:42 PM

Thank you guys. I just got told he was in love with another woman 2 days ago. Still trying to grasp that one. I know my choices have no reflection on his actions. I know this but for some reason my mind is in shutdown mode. I'm hurting and blaming myself seems to be my go to. Your support means a lot.

ETA: I was in IC but stopped due to no money and lots of debt from medical bills.

[This message edited by Unagie at 2:43 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]

5454real posted 8/21/2013 14:48 PM

it's SI 101, honey. His choices are about HIM, just as yours are about YOU.

Over and over, I've seen you give this advice to others. Again, he has and is continuing to show you who he is. You, hell, no-one, deserves this kind of treatment. Quit being his victim.

IMO, I'm a BH, as such I am saying to you that you deserve more. There comes a time where you have said and done enough. He is abusing you.

Can you admit that to yourself? What would you're advice to anyone else in a similar situation be?

LosferWords posted 8/21/2013 14:48 PM

I've been thinking about your post a lot today, Unagie. I think part of the reason why, is because you remind me of myself in some ways.

It got me thinking about ownership. Ownership is talked about a lot on this site... "You have to own your own shit", etc.

I think that rings true with worthiness, too. Part of our healing process, part of the work we do, is owning our own worthiness.

You need to own your own worthiness, in part because you don't want anyone else to have a deed to it.

Hopefully that makes sense, and hopefully that helps a little.

trytoforgive posted 8/21/2013 14:50 PM

Unagie, I'm going to bump OU's post on rejection. And I want you to really digest it when you're ready...

(((((()))))))

Unagie posted 8/21/2013 19:04 PM

When I see a post from UO I gobble it down because it resonates with me. Her post on rejection, her post on our choices keeping us where we are as wayward or betrayed say something to me. I've read the rejection one a lot. I also have been reading about codependency, narcissism, and self loathing. I call free hotlines to get advice on how to deal with my own emotions and the fallout from them. I'm exhausted, and I just want to be okay again, happy can come later, just okay would be nice right now. I have some more searching and thinking to do so if I go silent over the next few days it's because I am trying to come to a conclusion where I get to be happy, healthy and smiling again.

trytoforgive posted 8/21/2013 19:48 PM

I'm exhausted, and I just want to be okay again, happy can come later, just okay would be nice right now. I have some more searching and thinking to do so if I go silent over the next few days it's because I am trying to come to a conclusion where I get to be happy, healthy and smiling again.

This isn't going to happen overnight... I know that you have just been dealt a blow to the senses, but how many do you need, sweetheart? How many times do you need to be emotionally kicked in the teeth?

Your happiness comes from YOU- "okay" comes from YOU! Not your revenge-seeking, emotionally-void BF. You can continue to learn and take responsibility your choices. Stop putting his disgusting shit on you. He is not the keeper of your "okay-ness." He is not the keeper of your self-worth. Whether or not he forgives you does not negate the work you continue to do on yourself and it certainly doesn't negate the fact that you are worth forgiveness and love and happiness and okay-ness. You are worthy of so much more than you are accepting...

Good Lord, I just want to hug you....

WoundedOpus posted 8/22/2013 14:55 PM

It's ok to feel the hurt and pain for a bit, doesn't mean all of your hard work was for naught.

I'm a Codependent Caregiver. It's a lot of work to break a lifetime of coping skills and fears. Please try to just feel your hurt right now without adding all of the guilt of a setback on top it. Give yourself a few days, I'm sure you'll realize that the new stronger you is back and ready to work again.

SamanthaBaker is dead on it's worth you rereading over and over again!

What I see, is someone who is remorseful, who is trying to own her shit and become a better person.

What I also see is that you are with someone who does NOT deserve you. You are fighting a battle that you will never win, because he is not capable of loving you the way you deserve to be loved.

He has told you time and time again that he does not care about you the way you need to be cared for. He does not care that he continually hurts you. He is using you, plain and simple. He is ABUSING you. He is cake eating continually. He refuses to admit his actions and yet still sees other women. He isn't remorseful, he doesn't care. He is selfish.

Your affair does not define you for the rest of your life unless you let it. Your affair does not give him justification for his actions against you now.

You have control over you and your choices/actions. You can choose to become healthy, which you've been working on. However, I don't think, no, I KNOW, you will never become fully healthy by remaining in a relationship with him. He won't allow you to.

You are worthy of love. You are worthy of a healthy love and life. The love you feel for him is NOT healthy love, it's codependent love. Until you free yourself from the noose around your neck, you will never feel good about yourself though. He isn't interested in a healthy Unagie because then, he would have to respect you, and he doesn't. So respect yourself, leave and get healthy for you. Prove to yourself that you ARE enough and you ARE worthy.

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