Here's the question, without all the support I've gotten from my 3 closest IRL friends and the abundance of support here on SI and all the research I've done and books I've read, I'd be done for. How on earth can WH get through this without the same? It's all a big secret in his life, his family doesn't know, work doesn't know, friends don't know...how can he fully understand/grow/whatever when in most of his daily life he can just pretend it didn't happen and be normal guy? This is bothering me a great deal.
[This message edited by OldCow18 at 12:40 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]
In some ways, that has been extremely validating for me- that even the people closest to him think what he did was absolutely wrong and that he is discusting pond scum for doing so.
In other ways, I sympathize with him. I certainly know that I am wrong sometimes but I like having friends I can vent to about things even when I am wrong. He doesn't have that.
"What did you expect? I am a scorpion."
So, H went through this whole thing with no support really. He's done MC, IC, read books, weekend retreats, and we've worked through IMAGO together. He's a changed man, and he didn't need anyone to lean on other than me. It wasn't easy, but we made it through.
When I am upset with him, he gets upset and very anxious. His mood is often determined by my ups and downs.
There is another man who attends a christian fellowship 12 step program, but my WH has yet to attend. He just doesn't reach out very much.
My concern is that without support, will he relapse into that dark place in his mind where he spent 3 years with her.
I have encouraged him to post here on SI. I have tried to get him to go to IC. He won't.
He would tell you he doesn't need support,he is just fine.(rugsweeper extraordinaire)
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
When I suggested he may want to talk to them about what was going on during the first round of affairs, he told his mom.
Her response was if he hadn't physically had sex with them, it wasn't cheating and I was just being insecure.
I think our MC, who had us both rolling our eyes at how desperately he wanted to buddy up with WH, wasn't the best support either.
WH prefers virtual friends, so he doesn't really have buddies to go to either.
On his own, he's been reading the stack of books suggested here, so there is that support.
My concern is the lack of sharing her experiences with someone, anyone...is what made adultery an option for her. While she was in the affair she thought she had full control of the situation....so there are some control issues present.
For me change occurs through outward processing in addition to internal processing...lots of reading, SI, communication to my wife.
She is in IC so she has that. A couple of friends she can and does call occasionally...but it is pretty much her.
I do invite her to go to bible study, share what she has read, ask questions, express herself...so I try to engage her lightly. but I don't push anymore.
It's a good thing, I think. She got all the condemnation she could handle from me in the early days, and from herself more recently. We all need support to get through this nightmare.
[This message edited by Sal1995 at 8:41 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]
VD is not Victory!
There is not much you can do for your WS. A truly remorseful WS has to work through the guilt on their own. You can be there to listen "if" you think you can deal with it. When they open up it can be truly painful; however, if your WS realizes they can safely discuss "anything" with you, it helps builds tremendous emotional intimacy and bonds.
How very kind of you to be so compassionate to your WH given everything you have been through. I have found compassion does much more than anger for healing from the affair.
[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 11:09 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]
Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.