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OldCow18 posted 8/21/2013 12:39 PM

WH doesn't have many close friends. He's told no one about the A. He does go to IC and he's read a couple of books and articles/postings I've suggested, but that is it.

Here's the question, without all the support I've gotten from my 3 closest IRL friends and the abundance of support here on SI and all the research I've done and books I've read, I'd be done for. How on earth can WH get through this without the same? It's all a big secret in his life, his family doesn't know, work doesn't know, friends don't know...how can he fully understand/grow/whatever when in most of his daily life he can just pretend it didn't happen and be normal guy? This is bothering me a great deal.

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 12:40 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]

AFrayedKnot posted 8/21/2013 12:51 PM

We have an army. All close family and friends know and are supportive. We both have the support from 12 step fellowship including sponsors and networks. We have 40,000 of you. She has IC as well.

BeyondBreaking posted 8/21/2013 12:56 PM

WS told people, I think looking for support. All of his friends AND family sided with me, however. One of his friends even went a step further and not only sided with me, but called him out completely and distanced himself as a friend.

In some ways, that has been extremely validating for me- that even the people closest to him think what he did was absolutely wrong and that he is discusting pond scum for doing so.

In other ways, I sympathize with him. I certainly know that I am wrong sometimes but I like having friends I can vent to about things even when I am wrong. He doesn't have that.

doesitgetbetter posted 8/21/2013 13:29 PM

H told his parents only because he needed a couch to sleep on that night (his parents have offered him zero support since DDay, heck, they've offered me even less than that since DDay), he told a close friend of his only one time and they've never talked about it again. He told a semi close friend who's wife had just cheated on him, the guy turned into a fruit cake, told H he was jealous that none of his customers ever came onto him (H's first A was a customer) and wanted H to help him pick up chicks, and this was a line that H wasn't willing to cross with him so he cut off the friendship. The only other person H has ever told is a close relative of his who's wife also was cheating on him. The relative has called H several times to cry on his shoulder, but has never really asked H about his life and how things are going for him, so H is more of a support for him, not vice versa.

So, H went through this whole thing with no support really. He's done MC, IC, read books, weekend retreats, and we've worked through IMAGO together. He's a changed man, and he didn't need anyone to lean on other than me. It wasn't easy, but we made it through.

Undone1 posted 8/21/2013 15:32 PM

This is a concern I have had. While I have had lots of support as a BS, my WH told no one about the A and has disclosed to his family, our children, and my parents. A few friends know, but he is very private and doesn't talk about it with anyone. He is in IC and I think that is the one place he feels safe, although he doesn't go as often due to work travel.

When I am upset with him, he gets upset and very anxious. His mood is often determined by my ups and downs.

There is another man who attends a christian fellowship 12 step program, but my WH has yet to attend. He just doesn't reach out very much.

My concern is that without support, will he relapse into that dark place in his mind where he spent 3 years with her.

confused615 posted 8/21/2013 16:03 PM

He has no one. Just me..and Im not all that supportive sometimes. I try,but with multiple ddays,lies,TT,etc,it's hard to be supportive of *his* pain.

I have encouraged him to post here on SI. I have tried to get him to go to IC. He won't.

He would tell you he doesn't need support,he is just fine.(rugsweeper extraordinaire)

2married2quit posted 8/21/2013 17:08 PM

yes this is a concern of mine as well. My FWW has a friend or two that know but she doesn't want to share much with them anymore. Her parents are master rug-sweepers (figures). But otherwise, she has no one but me and I'm still healing. It's a mess.

Skan posted 8/21/2013 17:26 PM

I wish to God that my FWH had someone other than his IC IRL to talk to. I wish that he'd come here. But he doesn't. We do have some couples in our marriage group that we're trying to get to 1x a month, but with the summer schedule, it's been just about impossible since everyone is on vacation. This is the one thing that truly worries me about him his isolation.

devasted30 posted 8/21/2013 18:13 PM

I've wondered the same thing. My WS best friend is my brother (and his only question to him was, "was she cute" WTF. His 2nd best friend, is my cousin. Obviously, he has no one to talk to - just me. His family was just him and his parents and they are dead. I really am the only person he has. Imagine that - and he was will to give that up for WHAT???????????? Asshole!!!

OldCow18 posted 8/21/2013 18:47 PM

Devastated, it's the same here. WH's closest friend is my brother, and we haven't told my family because my dad would find out and he'd be crushed. 95% of our social life is my friends and family. I am truly his entire world...and he blew it, who does that?

Reality posted 8/21/2013 19:09 PM

All of WH's support structure is my family. He doesn't associate much with his.

When I suggested he may want to talk to them about what was going on during the first round of affairs, he told his mom.

Her response was if he hadn't physically had sex with them, it wasn't cheating and I was just being insecure.

I think our MC, who had us both rolling our eyes at how desperately he wanted to buddy up with WH, wasn't the best support either.

WH prefers virtual friends, so he doesn't really have buddies to go to either.

On his own, he's been reading the stack of books suggested here, so there is that support.

blakesteele posted 8/21/2013 20:27 PM

Concerned about this as well...but then people process differently...so maybe this is not as big a deal as I think it is.

My concern is the lack of sharing her experiences with someone, anyone...is what made adultery an option for her. While she was in the affair she thought she had full control of the situation....so there are some control issues present.

For me change occurs through outward processing in addition to internal processing...lots of reading, SI, communication to my wife.

She is in IC so she has that. A couple of friends she can and does call occasionally...but it is pretty much her.

I do invite her to go to bible study, share what she has read, ask questions, express herself...so I try to engage her lightly. but I don't push anymore.

Sal1995 posted 8/21/2013 20:40 PM

My wife has received a lot of support from her family and a few close friends who know. She also confessed her sins in very general terms to a women's church group ("I made horrible choices that have hurt my family, especially my husband"), and has received a remarkable outpouring of love and support. I'd like to think its because people can tell that she's a good person at her core. No one who knows her thinks otherwise.

It's a good thing, I think. She got all the condemnation she could handle from me in the early days, and from herself more recently. We all need support to get through this nightmare.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 8:41 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]

HardenMyHeart posted 8/21/2013 23:07 PM

My FWW only had her IC and me. We worked as a team to support her. Seemed to work out fine for us.

There is not much you can do for your WS. A truly remorseful WS has to work through the guilt on their own. You can be there to listen "if" you think you can deal with it. When they open up it can be truly painful; however, if your WS realizes they can safely discuss "anything" with you, it helps builds tremendous emotional intimacy and bonds.

How very kind of you to be so compassionate to your WH given everything you have been through. I have found compassion does much more than anger for healing from the affair.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 11:09 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]