IMO, the idea that love should be the deciding factor is any of this is completely erroneous.
As is the idea that love is some magical chemistry between two people. It's neither of those things. Romantic love really is nothing more than a mathematical equation. Spend enough time with someone meeting intimate needs of conversation, affection, admiration, and play time - and you will fall in love or be attracted to that person.
Your H thinking right now causes him to do things that are not in his or your best interest and that hurt other people and destroy what you have worked hard to build in our lives - things like your home and family. He's being incredibly selfish and at least owes you some degree of communication.
You have been terribly wounded, and you’re searching for some kind of meaning to it all.
Everyone does it. "If I had only taken my normal route home instead of trying out this new shortcut…..I wouldn’t have even BEEN here to have this awful auto accident!" is one example of this type of thinking.
We cannot wrap our mind around the idea that bad things happen to good people. So we try to figure out where we went wrong and caused this crushing betrayal of our trust. And the comforting part of the idea that "this is my own fault" is that if we caused it, then all we have to do to protect ourselves in the future is to figure out what we did wrong and avoid doing it anymore!
The idea that this is your own fault is false. On SI, we call this kind of idea: "trying to own someone else’s stuff".
You did not cause the affair. You may be responsible for 50% of the problems in your marriage, but you are responsible for 0% of the affair!
Your wandering spouse owns 50% of the marriage problems and 100% of the fault for the affair.
(((gently))) How do you know that it was only an EA and that it is truly over?
It is a process and one way or another, I promise you will come out the other side.
Look up the 180 in the Healing Library. It may be a good place to start.
Sorry you find yourself here. We care and wish you well.
Hugs and prayers.
[This message edited by 1Faith at 1:06 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]