SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

I posted my story a couple of days ago. But basically my husband says we have grown apart, that his feelings for me have changed, and that we don't work. He left 8 weeks ago and I did not see it coming. The last few weeks he was home he was having and EA with another woman. That is over now. He said it was over shortly after he left. That number does not come up in the phone bill anymore.

I am feeling so scattered, anxious and depressed. Even after all that has happened I would still fight for us. I thought our marriage was good. Obv we had our problems and our day to day life got in the way but I always said it'll be better soon. We are young with 2 kids and our dream jobs.

I thought after I found out, he would be remorseful and come chasing after me. He regrets talking to her but still says he doesn't want to be with me.

As if cheating isn't enough... He stabs the knife in a little more and isn't chasing me. I feel unwanted and unloved by the person I want and love. I felt those two things from him not long ago.

Has this happened to a lot of people? How will I move on? Is there hope he will realize what he is losing and come running back? I wanted to be the one who got to decide whether I could forgive him and fight for us or if I couldn't and continue with this separation/divorce.

Dear Tiger

IMO, the idea that love should be the deciding factor is any of this is completely erroneous.

As is the idea that love is some magical chemistry between two people. It's neither of those things. Romantic love really is nothing more than a mathematical equation. Spend enough time with someone meeting intimate needs of conversation, affection, admiration, and play time - and you will fall in love or be attracted to that person.

Your H thinking right now causes him to do things that are not in his or your best interest and that hurt other people and destroy what you have worked hard to build in our lives - things like your home and family. He's being incredibly selfish and at least owes you some degree of communication.

You have been terribly wounded, and you’re searching for some kind of meaning to it all.

Everyone does it. "If I had only taken my normal route home instead of trying out this new shortcut…..I wouldn’t have even BEEN here to have this awful auto accident!" is one example of this type of thinking.

We cannot wrap our mind around the idea that bad things happen to good people. So we try to figure out where we went wrong and caused this crushing betrayal of our trust. And the comforting part of the idea that "this is my own fault" is that if we caused it, then all we have to do to protect ourselves in the future is to figure out what we did wrong and avoid doing it anymore!

The idea that this is your own fault is false. On SI, we call this kind of idea: "trying to own someone else’s stuff".

You did not cause the affair. You may be responsible for 50% of the problems in your marriage, but you are responsible for 0% of the affair!

Your wandering spouse owns 50% of the marriage problems and 100% of the fault for the affair.

(((gently))) How do you know that it was only an EA and that it is truly over?

It is a process and one way or another, I promise you will come out the other side.

Look up the 180 in the Healing Library. It may be a good place to start.

Sorry you find yourself here. We care and wish you well.

Hugs and prayers.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 1:06 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]

Eyeofthetiger,

Your H is probably already seeing other people, even if he did break up with that particular OW.

A wise old friend of my FWH's family told me "A man doesn't leave his W to be alone. He always has someone waiting in the wings before he D's." He told me this because I had told him that FWH wanted to D me because he didn't L me anymore, and hadn't for 5 years, there was no one else (that's what FWH told me at the time.)

Wise old man was right. There was someone else.

He ended it immediately, and I believe part of it was because I didn't beg him. I told him I L him, and I couldn't/wouldn't stop him from D-ing me. He realized he had to follow through with his D plan, or stop the A. He ended the A and called off their M plans.

I'm so sorry for your pain Eott. Mr. Eye is not chasing you because he is seeing someone else (or multiple people).

If there is the chance of him coming back, it will be when he realizes he is really about to lose you forever.

You are still in the power seat, regarding your relationship. You may still be able to be

the one who got to decide whether I could forgive him and fight for us or if I couldn't and continue with this separation/divorce.

Do the 180 for yourself and file for D. You don't have to follow through with it if WH wakes up from his foggy dream and comes back.

You will find the 180 in the Healing Library. It is in the yellow box at the upper left of your screen.

Hugs for you (((((Eyeofthetiger)))))

Eye of the tiger sorry you are here but I know the feeling of hearing that statement and those piercing words . my stbxw did the same , said the same ,and has absolutely no remorse at all . she is actually the abuser . I found out the day after she filed that she had a boyfriend for years behind my back , there is a lot more to the story but I am sure you have a similar one . If I can give you any advice it is to read and understand. That is what worked for me , do not hold the emotion, journal. Concentrate on yourself and kids if you have .I wish you all the best on your journey and I am sure I speak for all SI when I say we are here for you.

I have so many questions. I called him the other day and started asking and he asked to come by because he wanted tell me everything in person (I had only talked on the phone since I found out). He came by and said it was all just someone to talk to and who was giving him attention. He was crying and was very upset when I was yelling/crying. He continues to say that it never went anywhere. He didnt see her outside of him fixing her car. He left that night sobbing.

But you are right there could be others or her still. But how do I figure that out? I have been paying close attention to his phone records. But he doesn't live at home anymore. He says once he left here he knew what he was doing was wrong so he told her they needed to stop talking. He works long hours at his business. I have has the wool pulled over my eyes for so long but I don't feel in my gut that there is someone else anymore. Obv I could be wrong. So how do I find out? Or let go of the urge to know.

With all of the compassion in the world, does it really matter if there is or is not someone else right now? If it really matters, then hire a PI, have him followed, and get your evidence that way. But the reason I put it the way that I did, is that he is lying to you, he has told you he doesn't love you, he has left the family home, and he is unaccountable to you, as to his whereabouts, who he is with, and what he is doing. He had left you and your children to live as a single man.

You have two choices.

You can be his plan B, keep the home fires burning, and eat your soul a little more each day while he carries on pretending that he is single, or you can give him what he's asked for and let him know what the rest of his life will be like, as a single father.

Please go see a lawyer and find out what your rights are. Get child support and spousal support established. Find out what you need to do to start a divorce. Contact him and tell him from this point on, no contact except for communications about child care and finances and work out a custory schedule. He doesn't get to leave you to take care of the children and be Disney Dad he takes HIS children for 1/2 of the time and is fully responsible for them. You are not there to cook, clean, mediate, or otherwise help out they are his responsibility. You go out and to something to nurture yourself work out at a gym, take a long walk, go for coffee with your girlfriends, etc.

You cannot nice a wayward back. You cannot be their plan b. You have to get all of the strength of your name, EyeoftheTiger, and stand up strong and paint a very decisive picture of what the rest of his life will look like, without you and your family life. Throw a bucket of cold water over his little fantasies.

(((hugs))) I know this is overwhelming. I'm so very sorry.