Ok, so I've had time to think about what I posted and to think about the responses....
It is current dissonance that I'm having to deal with.
The last couple of weeks have been heavily laced with the "can we talk," "please talk to me," "I want another chance," yadayada, texts from him. He's sorry, he's fucked up, he'll do anything texts. All of these have received the "no. you're still the *same* guy" responses from me. Because he is. I KNOW that he is.
I know that NC is the way to go on this type of stuff, but we're in the middle of a D and he is holding shit up because he believes that we will reconcile ("because we love each other").
So in the midst of all of the above-mentioned messages, I'm seeing shit that is happening business-wise. And these are things that I need to address and so I have been asking about them. And this is where I got walked down the path of 'you are a non-entity' and slapped in the face. Very decisively and coldly.
He seriously believes that he has achieved what he has achieved due purely to himself. In a way, he is right. He is very talented at what he does.....although *who* he is plays a big part in that. But no man is an island. I can guarantee that his life would not have been what it was without my support. But my 'support' means nothing to him. Absolutely.Nothing.
He has told me that "the only thing you did was marry a guy that is successful." Really? No I fucking didn't. I married a guy that was getting a stipend from the Navy ($600/mo), who had just been 'invited' to leave college because of his shitty grades, and who had absolutely NO direction in life. But then he goes on to say that I should try to 'do it' without *his* money and see how I do.
What an ass. I wasn't raised to live a 'chauvinstic pig' lifestyle. When we married *I* was the one with the college degree and an eye on an actual 'career.' HE was a floater who sat at our home and played baseball on Nintendo. I was not one of those girls who always aspired to grow up and be a SAHM. The SAHM role was one that I took on because it made the most sense for our lives.....for a few reasons. I really like that my kids know that they can count on me to always *be* there for them....and also because I was supporting 'him' in his quest to build the business. For us (supposedly
). I stupidly thought that I was upholding *my* end of the marriage-partnership bargain. You know, the whole give-take thing.
I just got kind of cold-cocked with this statement from him: "Some man made law will allow you to cash in on the work I do in the future. Some man made law says half this money is yours." I was honestly just stunned. What??? Ok. My response: "Ok. Wow. I have nothing else to say to you."
What the fuck? The dude is (supposedly) so broken up and miserable and remorseful about the demise of his marriage.....but all that we have is "mine, mine, mine!"???
Anyway. I do know that it's HIM and not me. (And RB, you were a BIG help to me in my early days here on SI)
Who drew up his fucking game plan to get his wife back? Because saying all of THAT shit is most definitely NOT the way to try to woo your betrayed wife back. Fucking idiot.
I let him have what he wanted (against my L's advice) as far as placement because I figured that it was futile to take it to court. He is his own boss and makes his own schedule, and could have totally sold that to a judge. But this whole summer has been a total nightmare because what he insisted that he could handle as far as placement? He can't....or chooses not to. And I have received an enormous amount of brain damage over it. He has implied multiple times that I'm a 'bad' mom because I'm not available to *cover* for him and that *he* has a job and "what do I do?". Well sorry dude, I make my plans based on the placement schedule that YOU insisted on.
I just get so tired of having to constantly do the 'positive self-talk' thing because he's so busy telling me that I'm such a non-entity. It's tiring to have to go back through the history of our marriage and remind myself that *I* have always acted in the 'best interest' of the marriage as a whole.
And the whole "it's *his* money* thing?" It's no wonder that I'm sifting through all of the finances with a fine-toothed comb....because if he really sees it as *his,* then what's to keep him from hiding it from me....since I supposedly have no claim to it since it's *his?*