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soveryweary posted 8/21/2013 14:57 PM

Just a vent. I need to write this down.
In Sept. it will be 31 years of marriage for us, of course there will be no celebration.
Just got off the phone with him, he is livid because he is having trouble refinancing the house. In his words he told them to "F off!!!." And I am sure he did.
Of course it all comes down to being my fault, yadda, yadda, yadda.
Yes, I take my share of the responsibility for the financial difficulty he will be facing when we are divorced. He is taking over all the debt, but when you look at the charge cards and home equity loan, 95 % of it was from his having to try and keep up with his best friend who is a millionaire.
Could I have said no? ABSOLUTELY.
This mess started the Monday after our wedding when we had to use all of our wedding money to pay off his debts he defaulted on.
It snowballed from there. I would raid Peter to pay Paul and I would tell him we couldn't afford things but he always said he could care less about money and you can't take it with you.
It's coming back to bite him in the ass.
I went without a lot of things in our marriage, little things, not big. But things that I feel I had every right to. A manicure here or there, times out with my friends. New furniture or window furnishings.
He on the other hand, continued over the years to buy, buy, buy whatever his heart desired. The bigger the better.
And I could kick myself now for not saying NO!! But I was afraid of his wrath.
I was afraid of him, I see now he truly is a sociopath in general terms. He would bully me and I had no courage to stand up to him.
As I write this, I am dreading him coming home, it's all going to be my fault. So be it. I will not engage, I have been trying my darndest to hold my head high and bite back the scathing retorts in my head.
At the beginning of the marriage it was verbal abuse, that lessened when the kids came and we got busy with our lives.
About 4 years ago, I started on a fitness quest and that is when I started spending some money on me. I needed to for me. I work full time, I don't make a ton but I make a difference.
Four years ago is when he took up with his slunt and various others. I know now that what he put me through the past four years has been mental and emotional abuse.
I am not using it as an excuse for this mess.
I am recognizing the past for what it was and marching forward to a new, bright and debt free future.
He is willing to take on all the debt and give me his 401 K because he is terrified I will share all my evidence and make him look bad.
Still, I dread tonight. In house separation stinks. Not for much longer though.
Warm thoughts to all of you walking this divorce/separation path. Take Care.

Phoenix1 posted 8/21/2013 15:18 PM

So sorry. I know how you feel as I could have written your post. The fucktwit did the EXACT same thing to me, and I kept quiet to keep the peace. My mistake. I did without and lived a frugal existence (living within our means) while he went out and spent, spent, spent. He won't own up to that, and unfortunately, I am getting stuck with half the debt because it was incurred during the marriage. That's fine if it means ending this fraud of a marriage faster.

I am just now able to actually focus on me and what I want instead of walking on eggshells around him and watching to debt spiral out of control. The fucktwit kept spending even when unemployed!!

I envy that you were able to get him to take the debt, but I truly don't envy your in house separation. We did that "unofficially" for the past year and it sucks. Him moving thousands of miles away was a godsend, and now I don't have to hide away at the office until late at night just to avoid him. I had forgotten how nice it was to actually come home at a reasonable hour and relax.

Hope you get out of your in house separation soon! Hang in there!

nowiknow23 posted 8/22/2013 08:01 AM

Sending you strength for the days ahead, soveryweary.