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Newest Member: 2ndtimernd (45746)

User Topic: what if?
hexed
♀ 19258
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

knowing what you know now in your NB, How many of you would have wanted R if your WS had been genuinely remorseful.

Its weird...but I actually feel a smidge guilty b/c I'm glad my X wasn't truly remorseful. I was all in for trying to R in the beginning. Looking back I'm relieved that he wasn't genuine.

Anyone else feel conflicted about the fact that you're glad your X wasn't actually remorseful? How weird am I with this?


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8489 | Registered: Apr 2008
lieshurt
♀ 14003
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not me. My exwh was a dick. His cheating was just the cherry on top


A relationship without trust is like a car without gas. You can stay in it all you want, but it won't go anywhere.

Posts: 13838 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
hexed
♀ 19258
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lieshurt --

yeah mine is just a dysfunctional-functional alcoholic

i suppose it would be different if we were hostile towards one another. We're actually friendly. Nothing excuses his cheating but I have to admit I was pretty awful for a good stretch of the M. Very selfish and hurtful to him in a lot of ways. Cheating is his fault. The disasterous state of the M was both of our fault.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8489 | Registered: Apr 2008
ajsmom
♀ 17460
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Remorsefulness would have been a good start.

For me to want him back now, he'd have to have had a full frontal lobotomy and a penal transplant seeing I would have no idea where that thing has been.

In all seriousness (cuz I know you did have a serious reason for asking), I really don't think he would have been able to do the work required. You and I share alcoholic X's, hexed, and as you know, fighting addiction is and of itself a losing battle.

Though for our kids, I wish he had made better choices.

AJ's MOM

[This message edited by ajsmom at 3:30 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21103 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
Amazonia
♀ 32810
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not for a moment.

When I still talked about the divorce regularly, I frequently found myself telling people that the biggest favor my ex ever did was to be a big enough jerk to push me into therapy and then leave me the hell alone.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13871 | Registered: Jul 2011
click4it
♀ 209
Member # 209
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh yeah, I had always wished that my ex-h had been truly remorseful and actually cared that he had FAMILY. I've mentioned before we never had a terrible marriage, so yeah if he had been truly remorseful, and SINCERE about repairing the family, etc. I would have taken him back.

Now, its a moot point. It never happened and its way beyond ever wishing something like that.


Me: 42
Two boys: 17 and 14
Divorced 12-13-05
d-day 10-02-01

Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?


Posts: 25628 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: California
lieshurt
♀ 14003
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he'd have to have had a full front lobotomy and a penal transplant seeing I would have no idea where that thing has been.


A relationship without trust is like a car without gas. You can stay in it all you want, but it won't go anywhere.

Posts: 13838 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
movingforward13
♀ 38405
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would have but mainly because we have a child together.

I wish I got genuine remorse... Mine was hoping I would accept sorry, forget that it happened and let him be "friends" with his AP
He said counseling was abnormal and he wouldn't subject himself to that. Oh how the way wards must protect their ego.


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 644 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
hexed
♀ 19258
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think I made myself quite clear.

I'm glad he wasn't remorseful. I like things better now. If he had been remorseful, well I'd still be with him...yeah...not liking that idea so much.

skip the penis transplant. i got an arm candy transplant with better penis


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8489 | Registered: Apr 2008
click4it
♀ 209
Member # 209
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

whoops, yeah I guess I mis-read your question.


Me: 42
Two boys: 17 and 14
Divorced 12-13-05
d-day 10-02-01

Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?


Posts: 25628 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: California
Crescita
♀ 32616
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don’t really know how to answer this. If he was capable of remorse he would be a different person, one I never met.

I’m happy with my decision to D. Happy with my NB. Happy to have traded some naiveté for wisdom.

I really have no desire to relive any portion of my life. Live and learn. I’m a linear gal, onward and upward!


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3533 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
Newlease
♀ 7767
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like my XWH really saved me a lot more pain by having a very short time between the second Dday and him filing for D.

I know he would not have made the effort required for a full R. I think if we had stayed together I would have ended up being miserable.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7788 | Registered: Aug 2005
wildbananas
♀ 10552
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not me. My exwh was a dick. His cheating was just the cherry on top

This.

But seriously, I wonder how things could have turned out if he'd been truly remorseful and dedicated to R, if it would have been better for the bunch. But like Cres said, that would have made him a different person altogether.

I'm glad we're D. One of the best decisions ever for me and the bunch overall.


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15435 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
hexed
♀ 19258
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just feel some guilt over being happy that he didn't really try to work on 'us'.

life is better now. i don't think it ever would have been with him.

i guess idealized the concept of R. i placed a really high value on repairing our M. each false R was so devestating I can't believe i'm here now, relieved he didn't really want R.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8489 | Registered: Apr 2008
Sad in AZ
♀ 24239
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a bit conflicted about this. What I know now is that he doesn't have it in him to pull himself out of his depression. He will always take the easy way out. He will always be a KISA. I am glad that I will not have to take care of him in his old age, as he will probably have a stroke at some point because he does not take care of his health. That makes me feel like I took the easy way out...


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20453 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
cayc
♀ 21964
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If my xWH had truly been remorseful, then yes, I would still say I would want R despite what I have now. I would not claim to say my life is better now. It's good, but in a different way. Is my life better than with xWH as he was?? Yes, of course. But better than if he had chosen to be real ... I can't say that.


"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

Posts: 3154 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
phmh
♀ 34146
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My life is so much better now, it's almost unbelievable. I'm happier now than I was at any point during my relationship with him. At the time, I thought I was happy, but I realize now how much he was dragging me down...from the beginning.

I married him way too young (20 when we met, 22 when we married) and we are fundamentally incompatible people.

I would go one step further. Not only am I so happy that we didn't attempt to reconcile (he refused to sign a post-nup with favorable terms to me if he cheated again) but I am also happy that he cheated as I never would have divorced him otherwise, and I would have just existed, getting increasingly frustrated with myself and my life. I'm pretty sure I would have become an alcoholic to deal with the underlying stress of living with him.

I do feel bad for him. With the combination of his terrible genes and terrible childhood, he didn't stand much of a chance.

I don't feel guilty at all.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Dec 2011
inconnu
♀ 24518
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am definitely relieved now, and rather happy about it, that R with ex didn't work out. Because I would have stayed married to him for the rest of my life. And there's so much I would have missed out on.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12171 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
Weatherly
♀ 18222
Member # 18222
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've said many times I'm thankful he destroyed our marriage so thoroughly. If I thought there was anything to save, I probably would have kept trying, but he made sure there was nothing.

And, I'm so glad. I'm so much happier now than I ever was with him, and happier than i think I ever could have been.

I knew ex wasn't right for me when we got married, but, I said I do, and I intended to stick it out. He made it impossible, so, in a weird sort of way, I'm glad he cheated. He let me go, with no guilt on my part.


Me-29,Two boys, 10 and 9

It will all be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end

Happily remarried to a wonderful man (Aussie). I think I found the right guy and the right finger this time.


Posts: 4502 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Indiana
gardenparty
12050
Member # 12050
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am grateful that he wasn't. I would have felt obligated to at least try to work on the marriage if he was and would have wasted even more time trying to do the impossible, make him happy with himself.


divorced!

Posts: 2737 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: newfoundland
Topic Posts: 46
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