[This message edited by Imessedup97 at 3:28 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]
When i reread your post i think you had a lot of justifications you told yourself to make it ok in your mind to cheat. until you let go of that and own what you did and realise NOTHING justified your behavior. they were your fucked up coping mechanisms in play!
Think about your responses to him, could you be minimizing the thought that he may leave you? Or are you self sabotaging yourself? You need to leave all the resentments in your m for now and own up and stop being defensive and angry!
I am TRYING to implement the strategies that are recommended by dr. Rosenberg in the book non violent communication ppl recommend on here, but it is a work in progress. I was going to say good luck but luck has nothing to do with this!
The answer to why you did it is not going to be that he did xyz. The answer to why is what made YOU think you could cross that line.
I always thought that cheating was a personality defect until I became a cheater. Now I realize it is the result of bad choices, but you need to get to the root of why you made bad choices.
Finally, you should show some remorse. You are being so mean to him, why? Do you not feel bad for what you did? Does your resentment not allow you to feel bad for him?
2002/3 (him) EA
Tog. 14 yrs, Marr. 13 and counting!
I love him so much! I never want to hurt him ever again!
I must confess that I have had a very hard time showing my BS just how sorry I am.
When he gets upset and tries to tell me what's hurting him, I have gotten defensive. I shut down and don't talk because I am angry
I on the other hand, have turned into quite the yeller
There were things done in the marriage that your husband did that contributed to your resentment of him. However you should not compound the anger at yourself for the affair with your anger because of his temper.
Your husband has appeared to have recognized how his temper caused resentment in you. He appears to be changing that, do not use this for an occasion to put your foot on his neck while he is down.
The affair was all your fault.
I may be mistaken but I don't think your husband told you to go out and include a third party in your marriage.
You do recognize that you shouldbe remorseful. The question is;
Are you really sorry you did it?
Words say so. Actions do not.
Last time I checked, actions speak louder than words
[This message edited by Imessedup97 at 4:59 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]
[This message edited by Imessedup97 at 11:55 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)]
Are you showing remorse?
Do you make him feel safe when you are not with him?
No one is judging you
We are merely commenting on what you posted.
There is lot of anger there which needs to be controlled.
If you feel attacked you react quite defensively.
You are going to read posts you may not like, but there is a rule of thumb;
If a post gets you worked up you should investigate why, even if the post is wrong.
When we stuff and ignore that it turns to rage. Rage is destructive. It needs to be worked through and dissipated.
You acknowledge your choices were horrible. So now identify what internal processes you had in place that enabled you to consider those choices and make them. Get rid of those and (this is important) put new ones in their place.
Acknowledging your actions with another doesn't equate to an attack. It's a part of the process. If you become defensive you're posturing to position yourself. You don't need to do that. Talk about it calmly and set emotion aside. Being wrong is simply a fact. There doesn't have to be anything more to it than that. We tend to attach all sorts of future condemnation to it. That's just chatter.
What he said about moving forward shouldn't scare you at all. It's a healthy statement. He will. You will too. We all move forward. You make yourself safe and then decisions can be made by both of you. You're not helpless. You have control of yourself, which is all you ever had control of anyway.
Don't panic. Panic is a horrible state to make any choices in. Take deep breaths and start looking internally. As you find a break, crack, fracture fix, repair, replace.
When I'm angry I rug sweep, can become how I can communicate my anger and take steps to change my circumstances without making bad choices. When I'm hurt I withdraw can become I communicate my hurt and process my role in the problem. I own what's mine and hold accountable who I need to whats not mine.
We can absolutely decide how we're treated and how we treat others. Unless you're a hostage you've always had that control.
All those steps are positive and lead to health and safety for ourselves and others.
No need to be defensive. You're solving problems and need a level head. It can be tackled together but it must be for yourself regardless. You don't want to be in this place again and you won't have to be if you take the necessary steps.
'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth
What have you been doing so far?
Are you being patient?
Are you adhering to his love language? (does he like affirmation, physical touch, gifts, acts of service, conversation etc.)
Are you being empathetic?
Do you make him feel safe when you are not with him?
If a post gets you worked up you should investigate why, even if the post is wrong
I do not recall saying anything about anyone's post that made me feel "attacked.