So my question...do folks have suggestions on ways to talk about those effects or ideas on possible effects? I don't have the language to describe what the effect is. What did her affair take away from the kids
Kg201,
The damage to the kids is much worse and far more reaching than most know or acknowledge.
The damage can hopefully be minimized by a wayward spouse who grows up quickly and fully and authentically realizes what they have done and do everything possible to change their behavior.
Adultery/infidelity absolutely guts any and all trust within a home. This is the ultimate betrayal from the one you least expected to ever betray you. Where there is no trust, questionable trust, or trust with fear, the children will not feel "safe". Where within a home there is trust, honesty, and loyalty - there is safety and children will sense that.
One of the greatest lessons imparted to children in growing up in a faithful, yet imperfect family, is the ability to compromise and work through the differences that are within EVERY family. They must be able to SEE the action of their parents persisting and overcoming the hard times that reality brings to EVERYONE at some points in life. This prepares them to deal with and relate to people in a well-adjusted social way. The ability to function socially with others in a healthy way is a big determining factor in whether a child will grow to be successful and happy or not.
It is ok for children to see that if two people, who have HONESTLY tried and worked at, yet were ultimately unable to overcome differences or extenuating circumstances, end up getting divorced. It is understandable and the marriage should be and can be ended like adults.
On the other hand it IS NOT ok for children to have to go through betrayal from within the family. It can devastate their ability to trust or cause them to accept behaviors or situations that should never be accepted.
My children are boys. My XWW is their mother.
Their mother - whom they love very much.
The one that completely and ruthlessly lied, deceived, and betrayed their father in the most painful, cruel way.
Their father - whom they love very much.
At some point in the future when my sons are adults, they will probably be together talking about the divorce and how "mom was fucking around on dad".
And then, it will strike their minds:
"If my very dear mom would fuck around on my very dear dad, then what woman WOULDN'T fuck around on me?"
It sets them up to have trust issues and relationship issues as well as the possibility of them becoming doormats and gravitating towards people that treat them like shit.
The bottom line is that the kids get hurt the worst. They can't divorce their deceitful mom/dad.
After D-day, I offered reconciliation once - to show my kids that I believe in forgiveness. She deceived me again and took it underground. After that, I divorced her, even though she then wanted to reconcile, to show my kids that you DO NOT accept that shit in your life. To show them that if they are honest, trusting, and loyal, that they deserve to be treated better.