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Why am I willing to take so much crap from WH

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changedforlife posted 8/21/2013 17:07 PM

What is wrong with me? Why can I not find the strength to just say "I've had enough" - because I have had enough. I don't know how I am supposed to be OK ever again. I haven't confronted him about my discovery this morning yet, but at first I thought I was done, no more. Now, I am wondering if it should be a deal breaker.

This morning I figured out that WH must have been looking at OW's new LinkedIn account based on the other accounts people viewed who viewed her profile. It has been a constant barrage of finding out WH has broken NC of some sort for the last 8 months and I am so exhausted. I cannot keep this hyper vigilance up. And yet, here I am once again thinking I cannot end it.

If I did end it, where would I be? A 40+ year old with a preschooler having to live with my mother without a job or any prospects and so far in debt that bankruptcy is probably the only way out. I've already done the step parent role and I am not about to do that again so I may as well become a nun (except I curse too much).

I feel so useless, weak, stupid, undeserving, name it. Why??!!??

Rebreather posted 8/21/2013 17:26 PM

Well, all that stuff at the end is rubbish, really, isn't it? People rebuild their lives all the time. Not easy, but what's the alternative? Giving up? You don't seem like a giver upper to me.

It looks hard right now because you've been beaten down by him. Once you draw a hard line in the sand, and stand up for yourself, you will regain the sense of self he has stolen from you.

If you fear you do not have the strength, then don't confront him. Begin the 180. Gain your strength back. Detach from him. Focus on your health, your child, your future.

You are 41. Not 91! There are options on the road less traveled.

changedforlife posted 8/21/2013 20:21 PM

Rebreather - I guess it is easier for some to start over. I cannot give up because of my DD. I have never been able to stand up for myself to anyone so I am stuck.

Also, I can add that I am a terrible liar to my list because WH just called and he knows something is wrong but he has to stay at work late to finish a big project due tomorrow. This will also give him time to make sure he has covered all his tracks and make his excuses.

I have no one IRL to talk to and our MC has let us go temporarily since she found out he hadn't ended the affair while we were in counseling.

I guess I will reread the 180 but everytime I have looked at it, I cannot understand how I am supposed to pretend that all of this doesn't have an effect on me. So, I just rug sweep my feelings?!

This is F@#$ED UP!

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