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Why is sex so hard now?

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SmallButStrong posted 8/21/2013 17:13 PM

I'm 11 months out, and I'm having a harder time than ever with sex. The HB is over, so maybe this is just another part of the process as we settle down into our old routines?

The mind movies are stronger than ever while we have sex, and I'm pushing pictures of them out of my mind the WHOLE time. I feel almost dirty now when we're intimate. I feel no emotion except disappointment. I feel sexually dead.

I've been turning my WH down or stopping in the middle of sex lately. Why is this happening NOW? The first 6 months post D-Day was the best sex of our marriage.

I wonder if it's because I've been telling myself that "sex is just sex" to help myself recover from their A. It's hard to believe that and also believe it to be something special with your spouse. I'm disillusioned. What's the difference, really? If it were that much more special with me, why did he need if from her at the same time?

crazyblindsided posted 8/21/2013 17:17 PM

I haven't had 'intimate' sex yet. I am having really great sex and plan on just enjoying myself for a while. I don't know what the answer is to this, but anytime a thought of her and him come to mind I think, "Well I AM f**king him now " and MOW gets to think of our mind movies.

Nohopeleft posted 8/21/2013 22:01 PM

Glad to see I'm not the only one having this issue. For me it has gotten to the point where I can't even tolerate it. The last few times I've cried through it because of all the thoughts going through my mind.

It is a double edge sword for me. It is torture for me to do it then I stress about not doing it because there is the fear of him going else where.

Hate this!

sodamnlost posted 8/21/2013 23:19 PM

Not sure but same here and I am also 11 months out from initial Dday. I'd love to have sex and not cry after.

thecosmogirl posted 8/21/2013 23:50 PM

I'm not that far out and already to this point. What a bummer.
Mind movies are the devil!!!
Every single time he opens his mouth (during any form of closeness\intimacy), I think about how he said the same things to OW. And I can guarantee that he did.
I pretty much just shut down. I've never been good at faking it. He must realize this because he now says nothing. That's how I get through it.
Still flip out afterwards sometimes.
Hate this for all of us. Wouldn't it be nice to have some playful bed talking again without the visions of them doing the same with OW?
Just hoping the books and experts are right and that it does come back :\

[This message edited by thecosmogirl at 11:50 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]

SmallButStrong posted 8/22/2013 00:53 AM


Oh my gosh, I feel EXACTLY the same way about what he says and the sounds he makes, etc. I know exactly what he says in bed after being with him for 16 years, and I simply can't hear it now. Today I couldn't look into his eyes while having sex; I just thought about him looking in hers and I was like "WTF!!" Wouldn't you think that would be a "what-the-f**k-am-I-doing" moment for him to make him stop?

[This message edited by SmallButStrong at 12:54 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)]

blakesteele posted 8/22/2013 07:31 AM

11 months out and sex life wife cries, I feel flat...sometimes I cry too. Orgasms are good at times. Initiation of sex is getting harder, not easier. When sex is declined by one of us it feels okay....maybe a relief?

I also hope books and counselors are correct....that this will improve.

I do miss playful spontaneous sex.

Mind movies suck. We never had HB sex.

Two minutes into most conversations regarding any topic surrounding the affair and we are both defensive.

No answers here....

God be with us all.

bionicgal posted 8/22/2013 08:16 AM

I am not too far out, so you guys can remind me of this when and if I hit this spot in a couple of months. But, what has helped me with mind movies etc., is a combination of not allowing the OP to come in on my time. . that this is my life and my husband and I do not need to feel conflicted about having sex with him.

Also, I must admit I have a bit of the "I'm the OW" narrative going on, too. In other words, she can envy me, because my H and are having some pretty amazing sex. (sorry if TMI).

We all deserve to have a satisfying sex life, and it is hard to do if you are emotionally withholding in any way. Most of us are, which I think is normal. For most of us, it is necessary. So, try to cut yourself some slack, and work on building the relationship so that it is fertile ground for good sex.

blakesteele posted 8/22/2013 08:25 AM

The whole "the AP can envy me now" thing just isn't working for me. He broke it off with my wife....he did not respond to her NC breaking email. He was looking for a piece of strange, got it, and has moved onto another woman now.

Doing that also has flavors of our fWS being some sort of prize, that this is some sort of competition. I just don't have any relation to that line of thinking. I work with some men that their goal in life with regards to sex is to lay as many women as they can...I am not turned that way...I suspect my wifes AP is turned that way.

How men and women view sex is very different...perhaps this is why I differ in my views of how to work through this. I see my wifes AP as out to get strange, once that happened he "won" that game, now onto the next. Womens perspective might be more long term, more deep...that they win when their husbands give up the other woman and come back to them.

A comedian once joked about sex and how men and women view it differs....he said "Women need reasons for sex, men just need a place".

Maybe a WH coming back to the wife fills her with hope because he is displaying reasons to why he came back. When a WW comes back to her husband their is less hope in him because of this differing perspective on sex...and he knows what other men think...there was no emotional bond there, he was interested in her body, he got what he wanted.

In my case the main reason my wifes affair died was that her AP rejected her. I know she thought she was just seeking closure by sending the email that broke NC...but now she realizes it was playing with fire. It is highly likely that if he had responded to her she would have had sex with him again. Her "reasons" for sex with him, while not factually correct but emotionally driven, were INCREDIBLY strong and powerful.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:54 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)]

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