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User Topic: feeling overwhelmed with lots of issues
Lonelygirl10
♀ 39850
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am feeling overwhelmed. I've been trying to not post on here as much, because my WS reads my posts. Everything has been building up for the past week though, and I feel like I'm close to an emotional breaking point. My WS wants me to post in a journal instead of here, and I've tried but a journal just doesn't help me feel better like posting here does. Not sure why. Anyway, here are my issues that keep building up, and thank you for listening

1. My parents were in town last week, and I finally worked up the courage to tell them that I had decided to R with WS. I don't have the best relationship with my mom, and I was scared of her response. So I finally just sent it in a text message Friday night. I know that's not the best way to handle it, but I thought it would give her an opportunity to think before she spoke. I was wrong. She replied that I was dumb for deciding to R, and that she doesn't like him at all. She then said that she would accept him the way she accepted my sister's ex. My sister's ex physically beat her while she was pregnant. My parents hated him. So, to me, that means she doesn't plan on accepting him at all. I was expecting her to dislike him, so that wasn't a huge surprise. But it was really hard to deal with on Saturday, because she's very passive aggressive. When I saw her Saturday, she didn't bring him up at all. It was like our conversation never happened. But, she talked a lot about how much she didn't like my sister's ex. She never asked me how I was doing or feeling, and she basically ignored me the majority of the trip. She's also best friends with a girl my age at home, and she calls this girl's kids her grandbabies. It irritates me, because I feel like she has replaced me with this girl since I chose law school over having a family. And to make it even worse, this girl has the same name as OW. So I was having to hear that name over and over by my mom all weekend. My WS doesn't know what to do. He has offered to send them an email apologizing. I doubt it will be very helpful, as my mom holds grudges forever. I'm worried about this though, because I don't want to have to keep him separate from my family forever. What do you suggest?

2. I've been facing a new trigger lately that I'm not handling very well. My WS is great at keeping me updated with his location and what he's doing. However, Saturday night he texted me at 6:30 that he was going to take a nap. I instantly felt suspicious and worried. Who takes a nap at 6:30 on a Saturday night? I started picturing him with some girl, and the thoughts made me sick to my stomach. I felt like I had a knot in my chest the whole two hours. I tried doing what my IC suggests, and just focusing on breathing and relaxation techniques. Nothing worked though. I felt like I was in a panic, and all I could think about was him in bed with someone. He texted me two hours later when he woke up, and came over later that night. I don't actually think he was with someone else and I believe that he's serious about R. But I don't know how to handle when he's taking a nap. He used to tell me he was taking a nap during the A when he was with OW. So now, how do I know if he's really taking a nap? I've considered putting a GPS on his phone, but I know that he could just leave his phone at home, so that doesn't make me feel safer. How do you handle the WS taking a nap, and how do you trust that he's really just taking a nap?

3. We are having some communication problems lately. When we were in MC, he acknowledged that he sometimes gets distant on purpose to make the girl try harder. He told me that I should call him out when I notice that he's being distant, and he'll try to stop his instinct to do that when I call him out on it. Well, I did this for the first time last week and it didn't work. He was upset about me not listing us as in a relationship on facebook and about me not inviting him to dinner with my parents that night (because they didn't know about R yet). I could tell he was being distant, because I know the signs. I was feeling really anxious all day, and kept trying to get him to talk to me. Finally, I sent him an email calling him out on it, and saying that I needed him to talk to me. He responded, and said that he would email me with his feelings. I felt reassured, and went to dinner. While at dinner, he texted that he was taking a nap. I never got an email, and I went home feeling very anxious again. I didn't do well at controlling it that time, and fussed at him. He said he had no idea I was feeling that anxious, and then finally talked to me about his feelings. Once we talked, I felt better. But I'm angry that I had to lose my temper before he would talk to me. I'm not sure how I could have made it more clear that I needed him to talk to me, and I don't know what to do differently in the future to have a better outcome. It leaves me feeling very frustrated.

4. I am struggling between wanting him to share his feelings with me, and then feeling hurt when he does. I want him to share his feelings because I care about him and want to be there for him. But then some of the things he says really hurts me, and causes an argument. As an example, I could tell that something was bothering him Friday night. I asked what was wrong, and he said he was fine. I didn't believe him, so I kept asking. He said that he was feeling sad because he felt like I was excluding him from my family. I had also put a picture on facebook that night of me and a friend, and he said that he thought I did it to show him that I could have fun without him. It felt like a slap in the face to me. I had been agonizing all week about telling my parents the truth, and had actually told them that night. I was feeling hurt at my mom's response. I told the truth because I wanted to take away his hurt, and wanted to make him feel better. And he thought that I put up a picture intentionally to hurt him? I just couldn't believe that he would think that about me, after all the crap I've put up with following his A. I stayed with him after he cheated on me with two girls, and I worry so much all the time about not hurting him... yet he thought that about me. It caused a fight, and he pointed out that the reason he doesn't share his feelings with me sometimes is because he knows it will cause a fight. He's right... so I'm not sure what to do. Am I supposed to ask about his feelings? Should he keep them from me? When he tells me his feelings, should I be more understanding? How are we supposed to talk? I want him to be honest, but then his honesty causes fights.

5. He feels excluded a lot. He felt excluded from my parents, and he feels excluded from my friends. I've been taking baby steps, and letting him back in my life a little at a time. I feel guilty for excluding him. I feel bad when he's sad about it, and I want to take his hurt away. But then I also want to yell at him that it's all his fault. Yes, he's excluded from my family because they don't like him because he cheated on me. It's his fault. Not mine. But I feel like the bad guy. I'm not sure how to handle this.

6. My best friend invited me to her husband's birthday party this weekend. I struggled on whether to go or not. I haven't seen her at all since Dday. I want to see her very badly. But I wanted to go alone, and I knew that would upset WS and make him feel excluded. Also, I was terrified to leave WS alone on a weekend while I knew he was feeling excluded. I am terrified that he will cheat on me again. I don't know how to deal with these feelings. When I realized that I was leaning against seeing my best friend because I was scared to leave WS alone, I decided that I had to go. I can't let the A control my life. I know I'll feel anxious when he's not with me that day. So part of me still doesn't want to go. I just don't know how to deal with this fear of him cheating again. I know I could invite him to go with me... but I'm scared to do that too. I want to go and just be with my friend and forget everything for a few hours and just talk girl stuff. If he's there, I'm scared it will be awkward since he's not her favorite person right now. I just want to escape for a few hours. I want to not think about the A. I want to have a glass of wine, and talk about shopping and stupid fun stuff. But I feel so guilty for excluding him. And so scared.

7. My sadness is starting to overwhelm me lately. I was in the parking lot of the grocery store this week, and just burst into tears. It was so embarrassing. I had been thinking about the A, and all of a sudden the image of him kissing her popped in my head. And I just started crying in front of everyone in the parking lot. I can almost deal with the images of them having sex now. He's told me that the sex wasn't very good, so I just try to turn the "passionate" images in my head to something more gross or funny or whatever. But the images of him kissing her are killing me. I also recently found out that she slept with her head on his shoulder, and that image torments me. I love kissing him. But now when I kiss him, I just feel sad. I feel sad that he kissed someone else when he was supposed to only love and want me. I feel sad that another girl slept on his shoulder. I feel hurt and betrayed, and I feel so sad all the time. It's also like the more I start to love him again, the more sad I feel. I'm okay when I feel angry, because anger is an easier emotion to deal with for me. But the sadness is just overwhelming me. I look at his freckles, and I think about how much I love him. And it just kills me inside that this man I gave my heart to was kissing someone else. Was sleeping with someone else. Was dating someone else.

8. I'm still struggling with the question of whether he loved me. I talked about this a lot with my IC today. Looking back at the past, I see now that I had opportunities to be unfaithful. At the time, I didn't see them as challenges or opportunities or anything because I was so much in love with WS. He was the only person I wanted, and it was never a question of "should I do this or should I not." If someone had tried to kiss me, I would have pulled away. But, I never even put myself in a situation where that could happen because I was so in love with him. So, how did it happen then? If he loved me, how did he end up having sex with OW? How could he love me, and go out with her for a month drinking before they had sex as "friends" without telling me? How could he love me, and kiss her? How could he love me, and have sex with her? How could he love me, and break up with me and start dating her? Did he really love me? I have this fear that he didn't really love me, at least not the same way I loved him. And I have this fear of settling for someone that doesn't love me. I loved him. I still love him. I love him so much it hurts. But I want to marry someone who feels that same way about me. And how is it possible that he loved me and did all those horrible things? How??? He says that he loved me more than he's ever loved anyone, and his FOO issues and fog caused him to do stupid things. But I just don't understand. I can't seem to connect the dots in my head. I want to be with him so much, but I'm terrified that he doesn't actually love me.

9. He won't go to counseling, and I'm not sure why. I think that we've reached the point where I finally really believe that he's remorseful. He's doing great at talking to me more, and not being defensive. He's transparent. And I think he understands some of the issues that caused him to cheat. However, we had to stop MC before he really learned to deal with those issues in healthy ways, because he couldn't afford it. We learned the why I guess, but not the solution to prevent it happening again. We only had 4 or 5 sessions with MC. He says that he's aware of his issues now, and that it won't happen again. That he'll stop it. His words are "I know what I did wrong and how I felt and how I would respond in the future if it happened again. I'm treating you the best I can and I won't put myself in a situation to cheat again." But, that does not make me feel safe. I don't think he ever intentionally planned on cheating on me the first time, and I think he honestly thought a year ago that he was not the type of person to do that. But it still happened. So, I really want him to go to IC. But he says he can't afford it. I believe that, because I know he has money problems. He doesn't have health insurance. But, I also wonder if he just doesn't want to go. He also said "You're dealing with some sort of PTSD where I am not. I understand you wanting me to talk to someone about myself but I feel I've already done that and I won't learn anything else. I would be willing to do group work with you though to work on us." So what should I do? Should I insist on it? I really think that in order to feel safe in the long run, I need him to go to IC. But if he can't afford it, what should I do? Would MC be enough, and I could pay for it?

10. He has started online classes this week, and he plans on applying for a physician assistant program next year. I think it's great, because I know this is what he has always wanted to do. But it terrifies me. One reason he listed for the A is that he had never "partied" before, and she was a party girl. He wanted to experience that before getting married to me. Well, I know he was married to his ex-wife when he was in college, and they were very straight edged. He did not have the typical college experience. I know how graduate programs are, because I went to law school. Everyone drinks a lot, and all my classmates slept with each other. I'm terrified that he'll get there next year, and want to experience the normal college life. He says that he'll make sure good boundaries are in place, like no female study partners. But how will I know? The school is an hour from where I live. How would I know? He could tell me that he was in the library studying, and I would have no clue if he was cheating on me. I honestly just don't know if I can handle him going to school. But I want him to go to school because I know it's what is best for his future.

I think those are all the crazy thoughts going through my head. I just feel sad all the time, and I don't feel safe. Things that I used to take for granted, I don't anymore. I feel very overwhelmed, and I wish I could wake up and realize that this isn't my life.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1339 | Registered: Jul 2013
myperfectlife
♀ 39801
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate to you on several of these issues.
The napping...my WH has also said that a few times. I don't think he's doing anything wrong but it's caught my attention. I just remember how tired I was when all this blew up and I try to cut him slack. He's just now to the point where I was 4 months ago. He's just now processing what he did.
Feeling excluded-my 20 year reunion is coming up and I am not taking my WH. He definitely feels excluded. However, it was his choice to cheat. If not taking him to my reunion is the worse thing I do in 18 years of being together, I have a clear conscience. I have spent a lot of my life trying not to hurt his feelings. Today I am concentrating on ME.
If his feelings are that hurt, he can talk to his therapist about it.
How could he do this and still love me? I had this EXACT SAME conversation not an hour ago with my WH. I used the exact same words. Love is an action, not a feeling. How could he do those things with her and say he never stopped loving me?
I don't understand this.
I told him "I have never betrayed you BECAUSE I love you."
But that wasn't enough for him to not do it. So, how could it ever be enough?
The betrayer has to fix that thing inside them that allowed them to rationalize the cheating even though they still loved their spouse.
I hope someone else comes along with better advice. I just wanted you to know I understand where you're coming from.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
showmetheway
♀ 26242
Member # 26242
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, I can't give advice, but just want to let you know that I, too, can identify with so much of what you have said.

I haven't told my parents ANYTHING because I'm afraid of the consequences of telling them .. their reaction, their emotional response, the turmoil it would cause. I don't want to have to deal with it.

I also understand the trigger of your H taking a nap. If my H does or says anything that reminds me of how he acted during A, it's a major trigger. It just takes you straight back there and stirs up all the thoughts, feelings, doubts. TBH, I think that a truly remorseful and self-aware spouse would do ANYTHING to avoid triggering their loved one and work really hard not to repeat behaviour that is associated with their A. Unfortunately, I think my H just doesn't 'get it'.

Why would your WS act distant with you to make YOU try harder???? Surely he's the one who needs to try harder!!! To me, that doesn't make sense and almost sounds like an excuse.

He said he had no idea I was feeling that anxious, and then finally talked to me about his feelings. Once we talked, I felt better. But I'm angry that I had to lose my temper before he would talk to me.

I can relate to this. This has happened to me so many times. Doesn't sound to me like he's doing the hard work - only when he's really pushed into it does your WS respond. My H is very much the same - I don't know if he just doesn't see it/understand or just doesn't want to confront it - but many times, it has taken me getting very upset before he will actually step down from his pedestal and talk. Then he can make me feel better and reassured. BUT is he just saying what he thinks he needs to say in order to get the result he wants??? Somehow I think he does.

I can identify with your conflicting emotions as I struggle with this constantly. Sometimes I think I CARE TOO MUCH. In spite of all the pain he has put me through, I don't want to see my H hurt, unhappy, distressed.

My H was very reluctant to go for any counselling himself - thinking I was the one who needed counselling, not him. I finally persuaded him to go, but he only went for a couple of sessions before work commitments and money constraints got in the way. He told me he'd done enough self-analysis himself so he knew where he'd gone wrong and how he's now a better person. BUT I think he didn't want to confront issues, he wanted someone to validate things for him, not confront him. If he was 100% remorseful, he could have found a way. He could have read more, done more research... He could and should have done ANYTHING and EVERYTHING... not make excuses!

Oh yes, and I notice you say your WS doesn't like you posting on here - my H is the same. He HATES this site. I think it's because he feels threatened by it - it exposes him to others and he hates the fact that I get the benefit of other people's opinions (which more often than not are exactly in line with my own judgement). This means he has a harder time trying to convince me (and himself?) that he is right. He feels that this site is completely biased against him. I think it's a control issue.

I, too, feel consumed by my thoughts, my doubts. I don't have any advice, sorry. But just know you're not alone.

[This message edited by showmetheway at 10:46 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]


BS Me 50
FWH 43
Married 9 years (together 13yrs)
D-day June 09
In R

Posts: 175 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
SmallButStrong
♀ 40128
Member # 40128
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH also used to text me to tell me he was taking a nap so I wouldn't try to contact him, just so he could turn on some porn and have phone sex with the OW!! I always wondered why he was still so tired all the time even though he took all those naps.

I hear your pain, all of it.


Me: BW
Him: WH
Married 13 years at time of D-Day, 2 small children
D-day 1: 8/16/12 (told it was EA only)
D-day 2: 9/22/12 (the OW confessed to the truth and exposed the PA)
12 month affair, 10 months PA
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jul 2013
heforgotme
♀ 38391
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still struggling with the question of whether he loved me.

Fwiw, I am a full blown believer in the fact that they did not. It is a complete contradiction. I am not sure if they just tell themselves that to make themselves feel better, or if they actually feel that in their foggy, messed up minds. But the fact of the matter is.....

This is not how you treat someone you love. Period.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1091 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
doesitgetbetter
♀ 18429
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would bet my last dollar that he didn't get to his "why" in 5 short MC sessions. It takes many WS's several months or even a year or more to get to the real root.

Why did he think it was ok to cheat? Because he'd done it very early on in your relationship and you let him stay that time, so why NOT do it again? In his mind, he had no consequences other than hearing you gripe a bit, so why not have sex with other people when the mood strikes him?

You say he is great at communicating with you, but then you have 3 other paragraphs full of him manipulating you, pushing you away, sulking when you don't do what he wants you to, pouting like a child, and yelling at you when you point out he's detaching from you to get you to chase him. He's NOT great at communicating with you, he's great at manipulating you. Why do you think he wants you to just post in your journal instead of on the board where other people will call him on his garbage? Because he doesn't want you to worry your pretty little head about growing a backbone and actually demanding the treatment and respect you deserve as an intelligent amazing wonderful human being. This guy doesn't deserve you, and he knows it, so he's trying every trick in the book to manipulate you into staying. He's stopped MC because he wanted to, if he wanted to fix the relationship he would take a second job to pay for the MC instead of napping all the time (is he 2?). If he really wanted to fix things, he would give you space with your friends and family and understand that he has to EARN his way back into the folds of your life, rather than stomp like a child (again, 2?) and pout that you are excluding him and acting like a jealous tween because you put a pic of you and a friend on your FB page. If he really wanted to fix things, then he would get off his butt and get help and take action to make this better.... not work at trying to drive a bigger wedge between you and he and everyone else by essentially guilting you into making a choice... them or him. Your family is still talking to you (albeit passive aggressively) even though you are still with him, why can't he allow you to keep them separate until he deserves to be included?


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
hotcoffee
♂ 39700
Member # 39700
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LG10, I am glad you are still posting here. Your WS doesn't want you to because he knows you'll keep getting good advice like doesitgetbetter's.

So much of what you write describes you trying to please your WS, trying to read his mind, trying not to exclude him, trying not to hurt his feelings. There is not much about his efforts towards you.

You are working so hard on this. Is he putting in half the effort you are?


Posts: 59 | Registered: Jun 2013
Lonelygirl10
♀ 39850
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for all the replies. All this kept building up last night. We got into another mini-argument, which led into a huge argument. I cried all night, and then called out of work sick today. I never call out of work sick, even when I'm actually sick. I just feel overwhelmed. I slept until noon today, and I already feel like I just want to go back to bed.

Myperfectlife--do you know why you're excluding him from your reunion? I keep going over and over with my IC why I can't invite him to things with my family or friends, and I just can't figure it out. I do want to be in a relationship with him. And before the A, I wanted him to be with my friends. I honestly don't know why I'm excluding him now... but I am. I keep taking baby steps and inviting him out with a friend here and a friend there. But each time is hard and scary, and I'm not sure what is creating those feelings in me. I don't like those feelings. I just want things to be normal again.

Showmetheway: Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It really does help to see I'm not alone in feeling all these things. The things you said your WS said about counseling and SI are identical to what mine has said. It's so frustrating. I know I need counseling to deal with the depression that his actions caused, but he needs counseling to deal with all his messed up issues that led to this. How can they not see that?

Why would your WS act distant with you to make YOU try harder???? Surely he's the one who needs to try harder!!! To me, that doesn't make sense and almost sounds like an excuse.

This goes back to his FOO issues. He will feel insecure sometimes, and pull back to make the woman try harder so that he'll feel wanted or whatever. He has gotten a lot better after MC with this. It used to be worse before the A.

It seems like everyone here has heard the nap excuse. It's really a great excuse because there's no way for me to verify whether or not it's real. How do you handle naps if you're not with him? My IC says I just have to let go and trust... but that seems impossible right now.

Why did he think it was ok to cheat? Because he'd done it very early on in your relationship and you let him stay that time, so why NOT do it again? In his mind, he had no consequences other than hearing you gripe a bit, so why not have sex with other people when the mood strikes him?

I did not know about the ONS when it happened. It came out as TT after Dday when I learned about the A a year later. He has definitely had consequences since then. I haven't let anything go, and I keep having an emotional breakdown once every three weeks or so.

I get what you're saying though. I think I post mainly about the bad stuff, because I need help with the bad stuff. He has many moments where he's good and supportive. Like last Saturday, I told him that I really needed him to help me since I was spending the day with my parents. He was there for me all day. He didn't once tell me that he was feeling sad for being excluded. He just listened to me, and was supportive. He put my feelings first. He came over later that night, and made me a drink and let me cry and talk to him about my mom and the A and everything. So, he has a lot of good moments too, and that's why I put up with the bad stuff.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1339 | Registered: Jul 2013
myperfectlife
♀ 39801
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Myperfectlife--do you know why you're excluding him from your reunion?

At first I wanted him to go, obviously before all this happened he would have gone. We were both looking forward to it.
Then it became a matter of logistics, the tickets were only on sale until a certain time and frankly I wasn't sure we would be together.
Some days I wish I'd gotten him a ticket, some days I don't.
I feel like he needs to see he did this. He can't just come to my reunion and act like the past 5 months haven't happened. He has said before that I am his "trophy wife" and that he's very proud of me and what I bring to him. So him going to the reunion is his chance to show that he still has me. But I am not yet willing to give him that.
Also, I will be hanging out with 3 close friends who know the situation. They've known him a long time and they are very disappointed in him and worried about me. I shouldn't have to spend my weekend defending him or myself.
I just want to have a good time and not worry about him, being responsible for his feelings and trying to keep it together for the sake of others.
On the other hand, it does make me very sad that it has come to this. Never would I have imagined going alone. Never.
He did this.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Scubachick
♀ 39906
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 3:33 AM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You guys need security camera's at home. I have them all over the place. I can log in online and see if he's home and what he's doing. I never used them for that purpose until he cheated. Allthough i think he kept an eye on me from work using the camera's.

As for your family & friends. I would say that you respect their opinion and understand their concern but it's your choice to R and they should respect that. My mom knows what my husband did and she's knows it would be out of line to hold it against him. My marriage is my business. If they want to be a part of my life they have to respect my husband. They don't have to like him though.


Posts: 849 | Registered: Jul 2013
Scubachick
♀ 39906
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 3:40 AM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Myperfectlife,

My 20 year is coming up too. I'd prefer my H not go too but as far as I know, he's going. He's so jealous of my high school boyfriend that there is no way he'll stay home.


Posts: 849 | Registered: Jul 2013
JustDesserts
♂ 39665
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, he has a lot of good moments too, and that's why I put up with the bad stuff.

Lonelygirl: WS here. I feel sad reading your thread. A "good moment" wrapped in a turd taco is still, primarily, a turd. Sorry. You're 28. Is putting up with this "man" your life plan? It sounds to me like he's a curable cancer and although you have a clear diagnosis, you're refusing treatment.

Bluntly...I'd jettison this loser, create clear and firm boundaries with your mom, then dig deep to define who you are and what you want from life. Then, go out there, find it, and live it!

I hope he reads this. He sounds like a boy, and I'll skip the string of adjectives he's earned. And you sound like someone who deserves a chance at happiness. Deep down, what does your gut say? Put fear and pride aside and be brutally honest. What does your gut say?

And what are you going to do to take charge of your own happiness and destiny?

You're 28...and as much as you hurt right now I feel the gods of destiny have given you an opportunity. What are YOU willing to do to find the happiness you deserve!?!?

All of this is IMHO. Sorry to be blunt. JD


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
myperfectlife
♀ 39801
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You guys need security camera's at home. I have them all over the place. I can log in online and see if he's home and what he's doing. I never used them for that purpose until he cheated.

I understand the logic behind this...but are you truly happy that your life has come to this? That this is the standard of living you're willing to accept to be with a certain person?
This is one thing that is hard for me to get past. I have lived a life of always looking over my shoulder and I don't want to live that life again.
This is a huge concern for me in deciding R or D.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Scubachick
♀ 39906
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand the logic behind this...but are you truly happy that your life has come to this? That this is the standard of living you're willing to accept to be with a certain person?
This is one thing that is hard for me to get past. I have lived a life of always looking over my shoulder and I don't want to live that life again.
This is a huge concern for me in deciding R or D.

I've always had the security camera's because of the type of work my husband does and he works nights. No, I'm not happy at all that it has come to this. It's not a long term solution but until I can begin to trust him again, it works for me. Like I said, i never used it to check up on him before. Maybe I should have though.


Posts: 849 | Registered: Jul 2013
myperfectlife
♀ 39801
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Scubachick,
I get what you're saying. Ironically today my WS mentioned (totally randomly!) that he wished there were cameras in the house so I could see how freaked out and stressed he is, how remorseful he is and scared he is that he will lose me.
So, I guess there could be an advantage to having those cameras.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Lonelygirl10
♀ 39850
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, I will be hanging out with 3 close friends who know the situation. They've known him a long time and they are very disappointed in him and worried about me. I shouldn't have to spend my weekend defending him or myself.
I just want to have a good time and not worry about him, being responsible for his feelings and trying to keep it together for the sake of others.

Thanks for sharing. I think this is partly it for me too. If he's there, I feel like I have to make sure that he's feeling comfortable and part of the group. If it's just me, I can let my guard down and relax some.

Justdesserts: Thanks for your comment. It's interesting hearing that from a WS. My WS seems to think that most of the advice I get to leave the relationship are from people who have been hurt, and he thinks that other WSs would understand or agree with him.

I've been reading another thread on here titled how to heal yourself first, or something like that. After my emotional breakdown last week, I realized that I can't keep going down this path. I don't know whether he's trying hard enough or not trying hard enough, or whether he'll do it again or not do it again. I do realize though that I'm not happy. And the only thing I can really control is myself. I've been a lot better since I posted this last week. I've just been trying to put myself first. Like last Friday, I invited him over. He responded with something like he didn't feel like I really wanted to see him and that he thought I was just inviting him because I felt obligated. My gut reaction was to reassure him and tell him how much I wanted him. But I fought that reaction, and just told him that I wouldn't have invited him if I didn't want to see him and that I was done reassuring him all the time. Then I said so let's start over... would you like to come over? He said yes, and that was that. I felt a lot better about myself in that interaction.

I'm sure this will last for a few days, and then I'll start getting depressed again though. We'll see how it goes.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1339 | Registered: Jul 2013
JustDesserts
♂ 39665
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Justdesserts: Thanks for your comment. It's interesting hearing that from a WS. My WS seems to think that most of the advice I get to leave the relationship are from people who have been hurt, and he thinks that other WSs would understand or agree with him.

Lonely,
I would hope any WS who is trying to heal, change, and be the type of person their spouse/significant other deservs who reads what you wrote would feel similar disgust for your WS...as we will relate to having felt (or is feeling) that same disgust when we've looked in the mirror.

I did mean to come back and edit my post to include something along the lines "If he gets a clue, and starts to do earnest work on himself, then perhaps you can decide to reinvest in a longshot hand". But I'm sure the BS's here will add the caveat that you could risk that only after working hard on your own healing, self-love, and boundary building - in other words becoming a strong, confident you first.

I'm a WS who has been moved deeply by venturing to look at the "non-WS" side of SI...and experience via the words of strangers just how deeply betrayal hurts, and lingers, in a BS's life. And I'll be rooting for you, as I am for so many others here on SI who help me with their honesty, and willingness to share (both WS's and BS's). JD

[This message edited by JustDesserts at 9:13 AM, August 26th (Monday)]


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
Lonelygirl10
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Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JD: I think it's great that you look at the pain that BSs feel. And I am very, very slowly working on myself. My IC says that she sees improvement in me since the first time I saw her right after Dday. It's very slow though.

I'm curious to hear your opinion about why you said that you felt disgust reading my thread, if you're willing to share. You are the first WS to comment on any of my posts I think. So much of my struggles is how to know when my WS isn't doing enough versus when I'm expecting too much. There are some days where I get completely discouraged with the relationship and think that it will never work, and then there are some days where I feel lucky for him putting up with my wide range of emotions. I know that he caused this in me, but I have been acting crazy lately. I'll be happy one moment, and then crying the next, and then yelling at him the next. He does do a lot... he texts me with a program that shows his location, he shows me his phone anytime I ask to see it, he answers questions about the A, he gave me a timeline, wrote an apology letter to my parents... there are a lot of good things that he does. But I still have days where I feel overwhelmed. I don't know whether it's my fault or his fault, and how to deal with everything that I'm feeling. So I'm curious to hear from you, a WS, why you said what you said. What you see in him or don't see in him, and where he is compared to everything that you went through. I occasionally will read the WS threads to just see the other side of it, and try to understand better. I want to understand my WS better.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1339 | Registered: Jul 2013
JustDesserts
♂ 39665
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lonely,

When I wrote this:

I would hope any WS who is trying to heal, change, and be the type of person their spouse/significant other deservs who reads what you wrote would feel similar disgust for your WS...as we will relate to having felt (or is feeling) that same disgust when we've looked in the mirror.

...the feeling of disgust i mentioned was the disgust my "healthy me" feels for "my not healthy me". In other words, now that, as they like to say on many WS threads, my head is out of my A$$, I can begin to look at myself and make honest assessments regarding my choices, my actions, and especially how easily I self deluded...using rationalizations and justifications.

And when, as a WS, I read a thread where another WS is behaving in a way that I can relate to which if I was doing it the "healthy me" would find disgusting, then I feel that same disgust for them and their "not healthy them"....and empathy for their BS.

You've just started the new thread today, with the new revelations you've just received, and are now reeling again with uncertainty, pain, and betrayal. Not betrayal of body with an AP, but betrayal of the "attempting earnestly to heal" you, and the betrayal of your fragile marital state, AND, most importantly, your WS's betrayal of himself because he just won't get his head out of his A$$ and get real.

You mention in your new thread this:

I also think that I'm partly scared of being alone. Not so much being alone, but having to do the whole dating thing again. After reading SI, I feel like infidelity is in every relationship. So if I'm going to have to deal with it anyway, I might as well deal with it with him.

...to which I say you are selling yourself, and marriage itself, short. Reading SI, yes, most every marriage here on this infidelity site has infidelity in it. That is NOT the case in real life. Does not have to be. You don't have to "deal with it" if you CHOOSE not to. Your life, your boundaries, your happiness, your choice.

Reading you writing that does make me sad. In my first post above I mention turd tacos, and if you put frosting on a turd taco, it will still, deep down, be a turd taco...not a piece of cake.

Your WS is a crossroads. And so are you. You seem willing to reflect, struggle, share, and try to heal. Is he? Count me as skeptical. And trust me on this...at 28 you have a HUGE slice of your adult life just sitting in front of you. DO NOT be afraid to contemplate that in an alone state if you have to....in order to find the love and happiness we all deserve if it is what we are willing to give to another human being ourselves.

JD

Edit to add: I keep referring to you as spouses, but realize you are BF/GF.

[This message edited by JustDesserts at 5:23 PM, August 26th (Monday)]


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
Lonelygirl10
♀ 39850
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...the feeling of disgust i mentioned was the disgust my "healthy me" feels for "my not healthy me". In other words, now that, as they like to say on many WS threads, my head is out of my A$$, I can begin to look at myself and make honest assessments regarding my choices, my actions, and especially how easily I self deluded...using rationalizations and justifications.

This makes sense to me. Thanks for explaining.

He made his first post on the wayward forum here, so I'm hoping that that's a sign that he's ready to start focusing on himself. And he's agreed that he needs IC. I'm hoping that the light bulb has finally gone off, and he gets help.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1339 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 24
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