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Newest Member: Giupeppe (46032)

User Topic: How do they do it?...Just a rant
YoungMistakes83
♀ 35869
Member # 35869
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quoting my BH who emailed me this a few days ago...
I find the act disgusting, not the person. I was simply commenting that I would be unable to live with myself if I stepped out of the marriage. I know (based on my reaction to bad things I've done in my past) that I would have nightmare about it for years and my subconcous would wage total war on my mind. This is also a reason that I have a hard time understanding how hardened criminals can seem so remorseless of their grevious deeds.

This has been on my mind since. How do they do it? How do people ever really overcome the bad choices that they've made? No matter what I do, I slammed over and over with bone deep pain from what I've done. I think if I didn't have kids I would just end the torment. I'm also at a loss as to how my parents go on about their life, showing no remorse for being shitty parents...do they even know? Is that the trick? To live in denial? The man who molested me...I know he has a daughter now, does he lay awake at night crying his eyes out for the damage he's inflicted? I feel like I'll never be free from the past.


I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around. (Florence and the Machine Shake it out)

Posts: 107 | Registered: Jun 2012
Steppenwolf
♂ 38140
Member # 38140
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it depends on how they want to live. If a person wants to live with all of that shit on his or her back that is a choice he or she is making, consciously or not. If you want free yourself from obsessing over the negative actions of your past, you have to make a choice to work through them and possibly eventually accept them for what they are and yourself for what you are. Its the work that you do on yourself that gives you the possibility of freedom from resentment.
Denial is probably as far from the answer as you could get. I suspect you know this.


Me: WS- 30s
Her: BS- 30s RockyMtn



Posts: 126 | Registered: Jan 2013
Brandon808
♂ 35619
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe in redemption. I believe it is something that comes from within. That is not to say you will not do things to make amends to others. It simply means that in the end you live with yourself. Acceptance, growth and healing are part of that path towards your own redemption.

You worry you will never be free from the past. I don't think it's about being from from it. I think it's about becoming stronger so the weight of it is no longer a burden. All of us have done things we regret in way or another. Things we could have done better. Things we did very badly to ourselves or to others. Life goes on. Disregarding the past does not free you from it because everything is connected. Your parents do not (or cannot) show no remorse for being bad parents, but it affects you and the way you relate to them. That is not the easy way out because there is nothing "easy" about it. It's harder on everyone.

Keep at it. You will be glad you did.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4118 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
uncertainone
♀ 28108
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The man who molested me...I know he has a daughter now, does he lay awake at night crying his eyes out for the damage he's inflicted?

Did you report him? Dear God, if not please do. They don't stop. I know this so first hand. They do not stop unless very drastic measures are taken and even then it's rare.

We overcome bad choices by making consistent good ones. Patterns build. Remorse and shame do not cohabitate well together. Shame is very narcissitic, actually. Recognizing, fixing, moving forward. That's remorse. The rest is sick mental masturbation.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
YoungMistakes83
♀ 35869
Member # 35869
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, I didn't report him, it was more than 15 years ago, and two states away. I keep meaning to look into it at least, but I don't.

Shame is very narcissitic, actually. Recognizing, fixing, moving forward. That's remorse. The rest is sick mental masturbation.

Thank you for saying this. It's something that's been on my mind when rational thought gets it's time in the sun. I know I have to stop dwelling in the pain. I guess I also kind of feel like

Recognizing, fixing, moving forward.
is all stuff that I've done (it's been 10 years) but it didn't stop my BH from wanting out last summer, so I feel like the work I've done isn't enough, nor will it ever be.


I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around. (Florence and the Machine Shake it out)

Posts: 107 | Registered: Jun 2012
MissesJai
♀ 24849
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it didn't stop my BH from wanting out last summer, so I feel like the work I've done isn't enough, nor will it ever be.
The work you do should be just as much for you than for him. In fact, you should be doing it for YOU first, then him - by being the best possible person you can be, he benefits. Doing the work does not guarantee R - it does guarantee a healthy, whole YOU.


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 6042 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Taurus517
♂ 37958
Member # 37958
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is a question I do ask myself and I dont have an answer which is dragging me down.

I'm also at a loss as to how my parents go on about their life, showing no remorse for being shitty parents...do they even know? Is that the trick? To live in denial?

Realized that a whole lot of my issues comes from childhood and how my parents took their shit out on me, parental karma which passes down to the next generation. We have to be the ones that break that cycle and hoping our kids dont get the same. My BS already said that our little one has started to receive this and I can see it started how our parents did, need to change that.

I feel like I'll never be free from the past.

I can agree on that, I also feel the same that my past will always be here and from this A, it will always be here. The way I feel that we can is to finally forgive ourselves and parents and then become better, easier said than done but I feel like its the best way to do it.


Me: WS 31
A : 17 months
Her : BS/WS 26 (ShockedErica11)
A: 3 months
DD : 3
Relationship : 4
Married : 2
DDay : November 2012
Her DDay : June 2013

Posts: 71 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Chamblee
Topic Posts: 7

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