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How do they do it?...Just a rant

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YoungMistakes83 posted 8/21/2013 20:24 PM

Quoting my BH who emailed me this a few days ago...

I find the act disgusting, not the person. I was simply commenting that I would be unable to live with myself if I stepped out of the marriage. I know (based on my reaction to bad things I've done in my past) that I would have nightmare about it for years and my subconcous would wage total war on my mind. This is also a reason that I have a hard time understanding how hardened criminals can seem so remorseless of their grevious deeds.

This has been on my mind since. How do they do it? How do people ever really overcome the bad choices that they've made? No matter what I do, I slammed over and over with bone deep pain from what I've done. I think if I didn't have kids I would just end the torment. I'm also at a loss as to how my parents go on about their life, showing no remorse for being shitty parents...do they even know? Is that the trick? To live in denial? The man who molested me...I know he has a daughter now, does he lay awake at night crying his eyes out for the damage he's inflicted? I feel like I'll never be free from the past.

Steppenwolf posted 8/21/2013 21:15 PM

I think it depends on how they want to live. If a person wants to live with all of that shit on his or her back that is a choice he or she is making, consciously or not. If you want free yourself from obsessing over the negative actions of your past, you have to make a choice to work through them and possibly eventually accept them for what they are and yourself for what you are. Its the work that you do on yourself that gives you the possibility of freedom from resentment.
Denial is probably as far from the answer as you could get. I suspect you know this.

Brandon808 posted 8/22/2013 09:27 AM

I believe in redemption. I believe it is something that comes from within. That is not to say you will not do things to make amends to others. It simply means that in the end you live with yourself. Acceptance, growth and healing are part of that path towards your own redemption.

You worry you will never be free from the past. I don't think it's about being from from it. I think it's about becoming stronger so the weight of it is no longer a burden. All of us have done things we regret in way or another. Things we could have done better. Things we did very badly to ourselves or to others. Life goes on. Disregarding the past does not free you from it because everything is connected. Your parents do not (or cannot) show no remorse for being bad parents, but it affects you and the way you relate to them. That is not the easy way out because there is nothing "easy" about it. It's harder on everyone.

Keep at it. You will be glad you did.

uncertainone posted 8/22/2013 11:41 AM

The man who molested me...I know he has a daughter now, does he lay awake at night crying his eyes out for the damage he's inflicted?

Did you report him? Dear God, if not please do. They don't stop. I know this so first hand. They do not stop unless very drastic measures are taken and even then it's rare.

We overcome bad choices by making consistent good ones. Patterns build. Remorse and shame do not cohabitate well together. Shame is very narcissitic, actually. Recognizing, fixing, moving forward. That's remorse. The rest is sick mental masturbation.

YoungMistakes83 posted 8/22/2013 16:56 PM

No, I didn't report him, it was more than 15 years ago, and two states away. I keep meaning to look into it at least, but I don't.

Shame is very narcissitic, actually. Recognizing, fixing, moving forward. That's remorse. The rest is sick mental masturbation.

Thank you for saying this. It's something that's been on my mind when rational thought gets it's time in the sun. I know I have to stop dwelling in the pain. I guess I also kind of feel like

Recognizing, fixing, moving forward.
is all stuff that I've done (it's been 10 years) but it didn't stop my BH from wanting out last summer, so I feel like the work I've done isn't enough, nor will it ever be.

MissesJai posted 8/22/2013 17:54 PM

it didn't stop my BH from wanting out last summer, so I feel like the work I've done isn't enough, nor will it ever be.
The work you do should be just as much for you than for him. In fact, you should be doing it for YOU first, then him - by being the best possible person you can be, he benefits. Doing the work does not guarantee R - it does guarantee a healthy, whole YOU.

Taurus517 posted 8/22/2013 21:36 PM

That is a question I do ask myself and I dont have an answer which is dragging me down.

I'm also at a loss as to how my parents go on about their life, showing no remorse for being shitty parents...do they even know? Is that the trick? To live in denial?

Realized that a whole lot of my issues comes from childhood and how my parents took their shit out on me, parental karma which passes down to the next generation. We have to be the ones that break that cycle and hoping our kids dont get the same. My BS already said that our little one has started to receive this and I can see it started how our parents did, need to change that.

I feel like I'll never be free from the past.

I can agree on that, I also feel the same that my past will always be here and from this A, it will always be here. The way I feel that we can is to finally forgive ourselves and parents and then become better, easier said than done but I feel like its the best way to do it.

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