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brokensmile322 posted 8/21/2013 20:41 PM

and then my IC really helped tie it together in a neat bow today.

Basically, when I started IC I had described my childhood as beaver cleaver. Really. You know, that it was really just a great upbringing.

Right before the A, my mom was sick and dying and my dad was not handling it well. Terrible fights with siblings, FOO issues and being disowned were all happening at once. Then the A happened at the tail end of my family nightmare.

Anyway, the IC has helped me to see that alot of how I was feeling about the A was also how I felt growing up. Definitely not a beaver cleaver upbringing. The betrayal from my husband rehashed all these old FOO issues and feelings. I was projecting. And I had basically learned not to trust as a child and this situation just really threw me for a loop.

Huge, huge breakthrough this weekend where this all finally comes out. My husband is actually the one who makes the connection. A huge weight feels lifted when he does.

Today, I shared this epiphany with my IC. Although we touched on it during my sessions, we didn't really dissect it too much. I was always focused on my husband and his betrayal and not my FOO issues. Remember I didn;t think I had any.

Long story short, she made me see on my own that although my husband betrayed me, didn't put me first for a time period, and didn't validate my feelings, he did apologize, own it, and promise to never do it again. She simply said, "He has given you more than anyone in your family has....ever"

What a lightbulb moment. He has. It seems right now that this was/ maybe is the missing piece for me. I will reserve saying it out loud for fear that it is not. But right now, for the last several hours, and even for the last few days since he made the connection for me, my heart feels lighter. I am happy. Could I be ready to forgive? Have I forgiven? Am I ready to let go because of what he has done for me?

I don't know for sure, but I had to share. I had to get it out. Thanks for listening!

catlover50 posted 8/21/2013 20:43 PM

Wow, good for you both!

I hope you can hold onto your hopeful feelings.

Good luck!

rachelc posted 8/21/2013 21:03 PM

Brokensmile, your DDay is so close to mine! I'm so happy for you!
I ask this question myself. How can I forgive my wildly dysfunctional parents and not my husband, who has given me so so much?
Food for thought. Thanks for posting this... Hugs!!!

[This message edited by rachelc at 9:04 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]

Gr8Lady posted 8/21/2013 22:18 PM

This is huge! I am proud of your insight. What is the saying, "we often can't see the forest for the trees.

I hope this is not just a lightbulb moment, but full sunshine for the reconciliation

doesitgetbetter posted 8/21/2013 22:35 PM

It was a huge eye opener when we re-evaluated our marriage after DDay. Much like your childhood, we would both have said our M was near perfect. After DDay, we found out that it was a superficial surface M, and not perfect at all. That realization helped us make it the M we want it to be. And your H can help you fix those wounds as well.

brokensmile322 posted 8/22/2013 08:19 AM

Thank you all!

It is a huge relief, actually. I knew and could say some of the things that happened in my family, the dynamic that often occurred, etc... I never really realized what it did to me as a child. I never saw that how I dealt with the hurt then, was often how I dealt with my hurts later in life too.

My husbands betrayal really brought out all of these buried emotions and they were stronger and more powerful than regularly.

I am finally starting to see my family for what it really was.... It is very healing. It wasn't my fault.

I am hopeful that I can use this insight and let it heal this rift that my WH created. I am hopeful that this was they missing link. I guess time shall tell.

Thanks again!