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User Topic: Attempting R makes it harder to leave...
♀ 26242
Member # 26242
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've spent the last 4 years desperately trying to R with my WH. Virtually every minute of every day has involved some sort of effort to try and salvage our relationship. So much time and energy (emotional and physical), not to mention a massive financial investment has been devoted to repairing our life together.

So all this makes it even harder to finally say, "I've had enough" and walk away. There seems even more to lose now.

As much as I think I owed it to myself to try and R, sometimes I wish I had followed my gut and walked away right at the start. It would have been easier and a cleaner break. Now, if I were to say I've had enough, there would be all that guilt over the amount of investment that has gone to waste. The time, the money, the personal and material resources; the support we've received from my parents (who know nothing about the A). I would feel so bad to have to tell them that the SIL that they think is so wonderful, who've they've treated like their own son, showered with gifts etc, is a liar and a cheat.

It's such a heavy burden.

The trouble is, the longer you spend trying to R, the harder it is to leave.

BS Me 50
FWH 43
Married 9 years (together 13yrs)
D-day June 09
In R

Posts: 175 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
♀ 19911
Member # 19911
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate to this very well, but when/if the time comes that I feel there is nothing more to be done, I will know that I threw my heart and soul and bank account into the R.

You can take solace in knowing you gave it your all, that there really is nothing more you can do, and when you walk away you will have no niggling "what if" doubts.

To live with regret, IMO, is about as bad as guilt.


Me: The faithful one
Him: WS
4 incredible, grown kids
Married 32 years, together 39
D-Day: April 1, 2006 (yep, April Fool's Day...)
Aaaaaas Yoooouuu Wiiiiiish...

Posts: 693 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Here & There
♀ 35758
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Show me the way)))

Gently, the time, the money, the resources etc..., they are all rationalizations you are feeding yourself. Telling yourself these things, makes it possible for you stay.

I read your past posts.

You know what you need to do. Nothing will change, if you change nothing.

What do you want for your future? Do you see yourself spending it like this? Why are you assuming that if you leave, you will be unhappier? You may have less money, true, but will you be more unhappy and sad then you are right now?

Only you can answer this for yourself. ((Hugs)) I wish you peace, strength and courage.

Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."

Posts: 2038 | Registered: Jun 2012
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly, I don't relate with what you are saying, Sinking money into something doesn't make it worthy. Even if I invested 100,000 in my marriage, if it isn't going to work, then so be it. You only get one life.

me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 3520 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
♀ 38391
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know exactly what you mean. But try to use this to your advantage. Yes, you've put a lot of time into this, so it's hard to give up now. But think of it this will you feel in TWO more years when things still haven't changed. Then there will be that much more time wasted.

Four years is way more than reasonable to see changes. If you haven't, you know what you have to do. Do it before you waste any more precious time.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1162 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
♂ 32258
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What Brokensmile said...

In my case, attempting R made it easier for me to leave. I gave it everything I had trying to rebuild the M but at some point I realized I was the only one putting forth effot. Did that invalidate everything I did, not at all. In my mind it just meant that I left everything on the field so to speak. I could walk away and know I tried everything before filing. I still mourned the M and had some tough times after making the decision but it was the right one for me. The alternative was to remain in a broken M and not living my life to the fullest. The money, time, and energy I spent trying to R wasn't wasted at all. I learned alot about myself during that time both good and bad and came out stronger for it. I walked away with no regrets, no guilt, and knowing I did what I could. I know I couldn't change her so I changed me and moved on to live the life I choose to live.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:43 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)]

D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 2211 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Topic Posts: 6

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