If I write it how should it be worded? What do I say?
I'm sure this info is out there, could someone direct me to the right topics?
Thank you for any help
I'm leaving this open because maybe a BS can give me insight as to why I need to do this.
In The Healing Library there is a related article titled, The No Contact Agreement:
It would have to be well planned and scripted with your wife.
Sounds kind of risky and difficult to control. If it is absolutely necessary to send an NC letter, how about the impartial conduit of a lawyer? The NC message gets there, and it's wrapped in a bag of "we're really f-ing serious about this".
But my gut says at this point perhaps unspoken NC is already in place and unless someone steps out of line, letting sleeping dogs lie might be the better part of valor.
All of this IMHO.
Since you have been NC, as a BW I would not want you to make any kind of at this point. However, if your BS wants an NC written then you do need to do it for her. But you could begin with a letter like I recommend and ask if that suffices. GL
[This message edited by Lucky2HaveMe at 2:22 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]
Your BW has no reason to believe that you will never contact your OW ever again. 2 months is nothing. Not to rain on your parade, but it's going to take a lot more NC for your BS to believe you. And neither you nor she knows whether the OW will contact you. You may think the OW is gone, but you'd be surprised. My H's MCOW was like a boomerang -- she kept coming back...
Keep working at it, fdupbigtime. Look for positive ways to show your BW that you are committed to her. Good luck to you!
I didn't care that he had gone NC according to his word; his words meant nothing and couldn't be trusted at all. He'd already lied so much and had already hurt me so much. I didn't care that he'd claimed he'd gone NC a few months before. That DID NOT matter to me because I felt unsafe with him in THAT moment. The pain was all too real in that moment for me and every moment moving forward, if he truly wanted us to heal and move forward in R then he would do this regardless of whether he had gone NC with OW a year before.
Needless to say, he did it at his pace and his leisure, which is still an area of contention.
You do not want your resistance on her request to be misconstrued in anyway. If its what it takes to help her begin to trust you again then fix what you broke: go NC in whatever way makes her feel safe, loved, cherished and put first. Your feelings need to be second to her comfort and needs in this instance, IMHO. Do not take the stubborn path my WH took because of your personal feelings. If she asked, just do it.
If there is any chance you haven't told your wife EVERYHING, the time to do it is now. In the back of our minds, we know that if our WH hasn't told us the truth or everything, the AP may let it out in retaliation. The bottom line is if you want to R, the right thing to do is listen to your wife and give her what she needs. Nothing else should come before that, at this point.
Two months out is ridiculously recent. Toeing the line? I really hope you haven't said those words to her. She doesn't want you to toe the line. She wants you to 'get it'. You won't really until you stop focussing on fixing 'this' and start focussing on fixing you.
She has told you what she needs - we have this saying around here, "ignore the pretty words, watch their actions". You are showing her loud and clear with your actions (or inaction, as it stands).
Logically it makes sense to NOT send an NC letter.
I mean really, what they hell do they do? They are not some kind of magical protective force field that guarantees NC.
At my insistence X sent a public and quite humiliating NC letter to OW and copied in everyone that was on the professional development course with them. It outlined exactly what happened and how. He threw her under the bus.
He was back in contact with her weeks after S - actually, he was probably in contact with her during False R.
He resisted sending it because he thought it was cruel (it was), because he was worried about damaging his own reputation (I'm sure it did) and he was worried it would hurt his future career (I'm sure it will).
Your wife is looking for something, anything that makes her feel even a little bit safe with you. So we clutch at straws. We do and say some ridiculous things and we ask you to do some ridiculous things. You are entitled to decide where the line is just as she is entitled to decide to walk if you don't do what she thinks she needs right now.
Do you see you are protecting yourself and the OW here? How are you protecting your wife's feelings by resisting this? YOU are certain you won't break NC but I'll hazard a guess that you were also once certain that you would never cheat on your wife. She no longer believes you so is trying to construct some kind a trust structure out of this house of cards.
Of all the work and digging you're going to have to do this part is a no-brainer. If you do get a harassment claim against you it won't be because you've sent an NC letter. It will be because you had an inappropriate relationship with an employee.
[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 9:43 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]
I will start writing the letter.
How about writing a letter to your BW instead? You can reference NC with OW(s), explain what you are willing to do for her to work at R, put in writing what your plan is if an OW contacts you.
With this ready and waiting if needed..........
What if you write the NC letters. Let your wife read them and tell her that if either of the OW contact you again, you will then send a letter to the one who contacted you.
Just wondering if you sent the letter and did it help?
[This message edited by thecosmogirl at 10:00 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]
D-day 14 June 2013
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