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fdupbigtime posted 8/21/2013 23:24 PM

I've been reading for a couple months now and have really rec'd some good info. I am trying extremely hard to reconcile. Last night my BS asked why I haven't written a no contact letter yet to the OW. I don't think I should write one. First- it's a former employee i dont want her to suddenly think sbout a harassment suit, second-I know there will never be any contact between us, third- d-day was over 2 months ago and I have towed the line completely, absolutely no contact of any kind, if I send her a letter now, no matter how to the point it is, won't it still be some kind of communication and give the impression that maybe I am still interested? Which I am not.

If I write it how should it be worded? What do I say?

I'm sure this info is out there, could someone direct me to the right topics?

Thank you for any help

I'm leaving this open because maybe a BS can give me insight as to why I need to do this.

HardenMyHeart posted 8/21/2013 23:55 PM

Welcome to SI. I encourage you to check out some of the excellent resources available in "The Healing Library" (yellow box upper left corner).

In The Healing Library there is a related article titled, The No Contact Agreement:

UnexpectedSong posted 8/22/2013 08:40 AM

I agree with you, but I don't know the solution to your dilemma. I think silence is the most powerful rejection. But I don't know how to balance that with what your wife wants.

AFrayedKnot posted 8/22/2013 08:49 AM

What about a no contact phone call on speaker so your wife can hear? It might make your wife feel better and not create a paper trail.

It would have to be well planned and scripted with your wife.

JustDesserts posted 8/22/2013 09:40 AM

I defer to Chico's Guide level suggestion, but have to wonder if that phone call is a can of worms wrapped in a bag of all kinds of unexpected could happen.

Sounds kind of risky and difficult to control. If it is absolutely necessary to send an NC letter, how about the impartial conduit of a lawyer? The NC message gets there, and it's wrapped in a bag of "we're really f-ing serious about this".

But my gut says at this point perhaps unspoken NC is already in place and unless someone steps out of line, letting sleeping dogs lie might be the better part of valor.

All of this IMHO.


AFrayedKnot posted 8/22/2013 10:29 AM

That was far from a guide level suggestion. Just an idea and a possible compromise. No true experience. Just a thought.

Josephine01 posted 8/22/2013 11:07 AM

This is just a suggestion too. What if you write the NC letters. Let your wife read them and tell her that if either of the OW contact you again, you will then send a letter to the one who contacted you.

Lucky2HaveMe posted 8/22/2013 11:19 AM

How about writing a letter to your BW instead? You can reference NC with OW(s), explain what you are willing to do for her to work at R, put in writing what your plan is if an OW contacts you.

Since you have been NC, as a BW I would not want you to make any kind of at this point. However, if your BS wants an NC written then you do need to do it for her. But you could begin with a letter like I recommend and ask if that suffices. GL

[This message edited by Lucky2HaveMe at 2:22 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]

StrongerOne posted 8/22/2013 12:42 PM

What Josephine said -- excellent solution.

Your BW has no reason to believe that you will never contact your OW ever again. 2 months is nothing. Not to rain on your parade, but it's going to take a lot more NC for your BS to believe you. And neither you nor she knows whether the OW will contact you. You may think the OW is gone, but you'd be surprised. My H's MCOW was like a boomerang -- she kept coming back...

Keep working at it, fdupbigtime. Look for positive ways to show your BW that you are committed to her. Good luck to you!

ShockedErica11 posted 8/22/2013 21:30 PM

To be honest, this was a serious problem with my WH and I had to explain to him why it was necessary. He did an unofficial NC with OW that I wasn't present for and could not verify. I did not feel safe at all. I could not truly verify if they had truly gone NC or if he was just saying it to pacify me so that I would stop snooping in our phone records. When I asked him to do it, he said some of the same things you did verbatim. The problem was, he was still concerned about HIS feelings and not doing something I asked him to make me feel comfortable.

I didn't care that he had gone NC according to his word; his words meant nothing and couldn't be trusted at all. He'd already lied so much and had already hurt me so much. I didn't care that he'd claimed he'd gone NC a few months before. That DID NOT matter to me because I felt unsafe with him in THAT moment. The pain was all too real in that moment for me and every moment moving forward, if he truly wanted us to heal and move forward in R then he would do this regardless of whether he had gone NC with OW a year before.

Needless to say, he did it at his pace and his leisure, which is still an area of contention.

You do not want your resistance on her request to be misconstrued in anyway. If its what it takes to help her begin to trust you again then fix what you broke: go NC in whatever way makes her feel safe, loved, cherished and put first. Your feelings need to be second to her comfort and needs in this instance, IMHO. Do not take the stubborn path my WH took because of your personal feelings. If she asked, just do it.

TrulySad posted 8/23/2013 20:11 PM

My advice would be to listen to what your BW is saying she needs. I've been the BW and am now a BGF. Just because you've gone no contact, doesn't mean your BW knows this. It helps us to see the NC letter, read it and watch it be sent. We then need full access to the email account, to flag any communication the AP may send after. The AP may not like it, and may attempt to create problems, but she can only succeed if you break, and respond.

If there is any chance you haven't told your wife EVERYHING, the time to do it is now. In the back of our minds, we know that if our WH hasn't told us the truth or everything, the AP may let it out in retaliation. The bottom line is if you want to R, the right thing to do is listen to your wife and give her what she needs. Nothing else should come before that, at this point.

SBB posted 8/23/2013 21:29 PM

If I were your BW I would be more worried about your resistance to sending an NC letter than I would be to you breaking NC.

Two months out is ridiculously recent. Toeing the line? I really hope you haven't said those words to her. She doesn't want you to toe the line. She wants you to 'get it'. You won't really until you stop focussing on fixing 'this' and start focussing on fixing you.

She has told you what she needs - we have this saying around here, "ignore the pretty words, watch their actions". You are showing her loud and clear with your actions (or inaction, as it stands).

Logically it makes sense to NOT send an NC letter.

I mean really, what they hell do they do? They are not some kind of magical protective force field that guarantees NC.

At my insistence X sent a public and quite humiliating NC letter to OW and copied in everyone that was on the professional development course with them. It outlined exactly what happened and how. He threw her under the bus.

He was back in contact with her weeks after S - actually, he was probably in contact with her during False R.

He resisted sending it because he thought it was cruel (it was), because he was worried about damaging his own reputation (I'm sure it did) and he was worried it would hurt his future career (I'm sure it will).

Your wife is looking for something, anything that makes her feel even a little bit safe with you. So we clutch at straws. We do and say some ridiculous things and we ask you to do some ridiculous things. You are entitled to decide where the line is just as she is entitled to decide to walk if you don't do what she thinks she needs right now.

Do you see you are protecting yourself and the OW here? How are you protecting your wife's feelings by resisting this? YOU are certain you won't break NC but I'll hazard a guess that you were also once certain that you would never cheat on your wife. She no longer believes you so is trying to construct some kind a trust structure out of this house of cards.

Of all the work and digging you're going to have to do this part is a no-brainer. If you do get a harassment claim against you it won't be because you've sent an NC letter. It will be because you had an inappropriate relationship with an employee.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 9:43 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]

fdupbigtime posted 8/23/2013 22:47 PM

Then you. All for your responses. This is what I needed to hear. Especially thank you strongbutbroken you put it into words that I can understand. I can see how my inaction could be creating problems. I know 2 months is a very short time, and I know things could get worse before they get better. I want to do whatever it takes to heal our relationship.

I will start writing the letter.

soconfusednow posted 9/1/2013 06:39 AM

I would love to have this...

How about writing a letter to your BW instead? You can reference NC with OW(s), explain what you are willing to do for her to work at R, put in writing what your plan is if an OW contacts you.

With this ready and waiting if needed..........

What if you write the NC letters. Let your wife read them and tell her that if either of the OW contact you again, you will then send a letter to the one who contacted you.

HardenMyHeart posted 9/1/2013 11:36 AM

I will start writing the letter.

Just wondering if you sent the letter and did it help?

thecosmogirl posted 9/3/2013 21:58 PM

I am Fdupbigtime's BW.
He did write the NC and gave it to me.
It has helped issue I have is that it was wrote on a computer and printed out. Which anybody could've done. My point being if it was sent like it was the OWs could think I wrote/sent it without WHs knowledge.
He did sign and date it AFTER I asked him to.
My other issue is he dated it the day after he wrote it, which just so happened to be my birthday.. Yay for me, since that was such a great day anyway... Let's add another memory to it....
Anyway, my problem is if he really has been NC like he says, he would've back dated it....not to Dday but, somewhere soon after since that is when he claims he came out of the fog.
The way it stands, he is claiming NC now....which in my screwed up mind means he has been lying about being NC from Dday....make any sense?
Idk, I'm sure I'm reaching but that is how I feel.

[This message edited by thecosmogirl at 10:00 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]

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