SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

My H has said a few times, "When I go out and I see other girls out, I always think to myself, 'You can't cheat with one of them, or else you'd wind up back like that. The only reason why I look so good is because of this [meaning his marriage], because I cleaned up'."

I thought it was an interesting thing for him to say for a lot of reasons. For one thing, what will happen as he gets older? Will he accept these changes and embrace them, or will he begin to feel self-conscious and will his boundaries fall? Only way to know that is to be around to see it and see how he (and we, if he'll have my support) handle it.

The other thing is, is he saying something about his self-esteem? I always tell him that he was hot before I met him; he talks about the long hair and mustache and sideburns he used to sport. But there are so many other wonderful things about him that have nothing to do with his looks. Yet his looks seems to be something he considers a lot. It's just very strange to see that in someone, that he talks so much about his looks, and acts like he owes it to our relationship that he 'cleaned up'. I may have supported him, but he did these changes himself - so many changes, from building a stable home, to quitting alcohol, to going back to school, not just shaving and cutting his hair, and so many things he always was and had before all this. I hope he can recognize it. We try to remind him.

It's almost like he fears that if he cheats again, he'll lose all this stability. I believe in him. If he were to, goodness forbid, or if we didn't make it, I know he would find stability again. He just needs to believe in himself.

Just an interesting thing he says that makes me wonder.

For your sake, I hope it's not as superficial and shallow as it sounds. Maybe he's just not very good with words.

Hmmmm...

Personalities differ and some things we may not consider that important are, to others, a priority.

I would not be feeling warm, safe and cozy if my husband's appearance was a huge priority, if he didn't dig deeper to understand the root of the infidelity since it still sounds like you get the credit for thriving and "looking good". I would still feel that is shaky ground, what does he need to do on the inside that keeps him faithful to you?

I think he needs some IC to dig into this outward appearance reliance. It is not all there is. You know that, which means you don't feel too secure about things yet.

Well, if he's proud of pulling his shit together and becoming a responsible and dependable adult (if that's what he's saying) I don't see much of a problem with that. Unless he's talking about his physical appearing, but you said he meant the marriage, in which case I could see that as meaning the only reason he looks appealing is because he is behaving honorably or whatever and compromising that behavior for a piece of ass = undermine the entire basis of that appeal.

I can relate to that.

I think by reading this that he meant that the reason he is what he is today is because of the marriage to you and he reminds himself of that when he may be tempted by someone else. I didn't take it as a bad thing, or that he really meant his appearance per say, just that he reminds himself of this. Sort of how we as non-waywards realize that we wouldn't jepodize our marriage for someone else, he may have to remind himself of what he would lose and I think that is a good thing on his part. We have to also realize that men do not think the same way that we do and maybe it is not the best way for him to articulate what he is saying. I could be wrong, but that is the way I would have taken it if my husband said it to me. As BS, we tend to take every word they say sometimes as meaning something else that may be A related or that they are thinking about it. Unfortunately that is a result of what they have done in the past and I don't know if it is something that we will ever get over totally. (((HUGS)))

Hmm. Good thoughts. Thought about it more reading what you guys wrote, because it did seem shallow to care so much about looks... But I think I might be getting why it isn't so shallow after all.

I think that for Mr Silver, his physical appearance ties into gaining control of his life because he used to be homeless. While he does also mean his cuteness, I think he means getting to wear clean clothes, have good hygiene, look respectable. He loves to buy or have new clothes, probably because it means a luxury he didn't always have... Maybe it makes him feel more normal. When he said it the last time, before that, he'd been talking about how he felt to wear a tie (I'd helped him tie it) and how when he was little it was a clip-on (he's been wearing ties out lately), and I'd asked him, "Did anyone say anything nice about your tie? Because you look very handsome." I usually ask that if he's proud of a certain outfit, as a way to show that I think he looks good.

It did seem shallow for a long time, but the more he talks about it, the more it becomes apparent he does mean cleaning up holistically, and he's still thinking back to his homeless years and how far he's come. Maybe one of his greatest fears is becoming homeless again. I've been in some tough places in my life, but I don't think I can truly imagine what it must be like to have nothing, to be completely on your own, homeless, and the few people you know don't have your best intentions at heart. He must be very strong. It's amazing he survived all that.

For a while I did see it through the betrayed lens, TG. I used to be paranoid that he wanted to look so good to get other girls to notice him (and there was a time where this was true). But it seems like it's for himself now.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 1:15 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]

I think this is part of digging dipper than the A to what really went on in their lives to make them do what they did and say what they say now. With that said, we as BS can dig to find the meaning, but until they do that themselves they will not truely get it. Just as your husband looks at his appearance now, he needs to dig and find why he feels this way and how that will help him to be the man he wants to be and can be.

Yep, that's it exactly. It's his journey, so he would need to do the digging for himself. It would hurt me if he cheated again... But I get this sense it wouldn't hurt him personally, except for the possibility of not being able to remain in our marriage (though I believe he would find or make stability again, he's stronger than he gives himself credit for). Cheating has worked for him before, very well. He gained memories and experiences that made him smile and brag later. He liked what he did with those girls, and we're talking in previous relationships too. So it really is his journey. The only way for him to not do it is if he found it hurts him personally, morally, something that is genuinely unappealing to him, and it would be up to him to find that for himself. For now, it's that he doesn't want to lose the stability he's gained. Who knows... maybe that's enough for him in the long term.